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To think this divorce will financially ruin me and my children

(78 Posts)
financialiasco Thu 16-Feb-17 11:41:52

Have to try and buy stbex out of the mortgage. Application has been referred although I got a decision in principal last year (when I wasn't ready) without it being referred and nothing has changed.

Stbex has nothing. I earn quite well (about £45K and we're in quite a cheap part of the country) but it seems I am never going to be comfortable. I have about £5k I credit cards, mainly built up during the marriage due to useless ex, but all in my name. /They are om 0% deals, but I hate the feeling of anxiety they bring when the deals come to an end - if I can't transfer to another deal they will soon start spiralling. I have another loan of about £3K I had to take when I had to replace my car. it has about 3 years left on it.

I am hoping to pay ex about £11K if the bank allow it and then he wants another £10k when the youngest is of age, so that will always be hanging over me. I am ok at the moment, and have a reasonable amount left in my current account each month (couple of K) but it's not 'real' because the divorce isn't settled, I have all those debts and no savings (do have those trust funds for the dc, each with about £5K in). If ever I think about the dc going to uni I feel sick. What on earth do people do?

I stupidly booked a holiday for this year last summer and still owe about £1200 on it. All these things just hang over me all the time and I feel I will never be straight. I have money in the bank and just want to take the dc somewhere relatively expensive just to get out of the house and have a nice time, but then decide I shouldn't, then just sit around feeling anxious and round and round it goes. I wish I could talk to someone about it but people around me have heard it all before and I can't keep on about it.

Meanwhile stbex swans around with endless debts to his name and, assuming I can still get it, will soon piss away a further £10k of my (I know it's strictly ours, but still stings).

AIBU or will it ever get better?

DeterminedToChange Thu 16-Feb-17 11:47:15

Why are you going to have to give him money? You don't have any money, so why should he get some?

DeterminedToChange Thu 16-Feb-17 11:47:50

Surely your debts have to be sorted before he's paid anything?

BurningBridges Thu 16-Feb-17 11:48:25

It will get better but can you try to get this moved to relationships as people are much more knowledgeable about this sort of thing.

I imagine your position will depend on equity in the house, his income etc., quite a lot to go in to before anyone could answer. And of course, YANBU.

BarbarianMum Thu 16-Feb-17 11:52:56

Read the OP Determined - she wants to buy his share of the house.

OP cancel the holiday and save the money. Being debt free and comfortable is difficult enough on 45k without luxuries.

redexpat Thu 16-Feb-17 12:01:23

I understand why youre anxious but I think if you can put the anxiety to one side, and maybe get some help with planning, then you could easily come up with a doable and realistic plan.

Does your car loan come out automatically on payday? I think you need to decide a figure and start paying a certain amount off the cc every month. If you pay off 100 a month then you will be clear in 4 yrs 2 months.

Is there anyway you could increase your income?

If the kids go to uni then everything is paid for by loans. They pay back at the rate of inflation only, so this debt wont cost them anything in real terms.

Could you cancel the holiday? Thats a quarter of your cc debt right there.

Sunnysidegold Thu 16-Feb-17 12:02:36

If you have a couple of k left at the end of the month could you not use this to start paying off more on credit cards? Although it was on joint stuff, the cards are in your name so are they not ultimately your responsibility? How long is left on your 0%? You can see on money saving expert website which banks have best deals (sorry if this is like teaching your granny to sucks eggs). For me I'd be inclined to keep the holiday) I'm sure it's been a stressful time and a break would be much needed, although I know that financially it might not make sense. Probably why I am crap with money....

BarbarianMum Thu 16-Feb-17 12:05:57

"If the kids go to uni everything is paid for by loans"

No it isn't- each child needs to find and extra 6-8k a year from somewhere to live on. But no need to worry about that yet (unless kids are teens). One thing at a time.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Thu 16-Feb-17 12:06:54

See I completely disagree with Barbarian. Presumably you're intending on working for some years more and your credit card payments are manageable? I take a long term approach to lending - my mortgage is over 25 years, I have credit cards on 0% which I will switch over when necessary - but now I'm on a better wage which I can only expect to increase I'm confident I can pay things off in good time.

I wouldn't cancel a holiday. I would add that to the debt and then maybe aim to pay off the following year with a bonus/not go next year.

Btw I earn a lot less than you and have more debt (well, unsecured at least). Even so, my five year plan includes paying it off.

redexpat Thu 16-Feb-17 12:07:06

My mistake!

Megatherium Thu 16-Feb-17 12:07:52

Do you have to buy your ex out now? He does have a continuing duty to keep a roof over your children's heads, and that should continue till your youngest leaves full time education which potentially is at age 21.

Theharderitry Thu 16-Feb-17 12:08:26

Debt is only a problem if you can't pay it? If it worries you that much why not remortgage the house further and pay all debt off. Have you the equity to do that.

£45k income with the debt you have is not a major issue in my eyes.

DJBaggySmalls Thu 16-Feb-17 12:12:27

What a shit. How fucking dare he leech off you then take money from your children angry
Can your solicitor freeze the accounts?

PigletWasPoohsFriend Thu 16-Feb-17 12:13:13

Do you have to buy your ex out now? He does have a continuing duty to keep a roof over your children's heads, and that should continue till your youngest leaves full time education which potentially is at age 21.

The house doesn't necessarily have to be kept though. It isn't a forgone conclusion that OP and DC would be allowed to stay. Courts do say that houses need to be sold and if the OP wants to stay then especially she will have to buy him out.

We don't know if the OP is the higher earner.

VivDeering Thu 16-Feb-17 12:15:57

£1200 seems an expensive holiday to me, given your anxiety over the debts.

financialiasco Thu 16-Feb-17 12:16:50

it's a bloody depressing thought to think that on a professional salary I shouldn't /can't have a holiday. If a cancel that's £1000 gone for nothing and me spending the summer thinking 'if only...'

If I don't pay him out now, it will be later, when the house is worth more and he could also go after my pension, which is my only source of security at the moment. I know he is entitled, but it sucks that all the responsibility falls on me while he does fa to improve himself and relies on his family to treat the dc when he has them - which is regularly tbf. I get all the stress and they probably see me as a miserable cow and him as fun dad.

How on earth can everyone 'find' £8K to go to uni with? Isn't it means tested at all?

daisychain01 Thu 16-Feb-17 12:16:55

Given the complexity of your finances, Citizens Advice or a Debt Management company would be able to take a look at your complete picture and help you set priorities. The sooner you can get help with a plan you can stick to, the better.

In principle, your biggest priority is to protect your credit rating, so don't default on any loans especially not the mortgage.

Even if you lose the deposit, could you get a refund on the holiday? Don't get into debt over a holiday you can't afford. It isn't worth it, it isn't a priority even if it feels like it is. Your DC won't suffer, if anything it gives them a sense of reality and that sometimes disappointments happen, love and security are more important.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Thu 16-Feb-17 12:17:12

£1200 seems an expensive holiday to me

That is what is left to pay. OP hasn't said how much the full price is.

VivDeering Thu 16-Feb-17 12:17:28

Do you have a monthly budget where you have a record of all outgoings? That would be step 1 for me.

Secondly, I would try to reduce as many of those as possible (see MoneySavingExpert for how to do this with bills, direct debits, shopping etc).

Thirdly, I would make a long term plan for clearing the debts. This will help you feel more in control and less anxious.

VivDeering Thu 16-Feb-17 12:19:21

it's a bloody depressing thought to think that on a professional salary I shouldn't /can't have a holiday

Nobodies saying that but you. You're saying that you can't afford a holiday of £2200!

daisychain01 Thu 16-Feb-17 12:19:58

If a cancel that's £1000 gone for nothing and me spending the summer thinking 'if only...'

If you've heard of " sunk cost fallacy" you'll know that your £1,000 is gone forever, whether you throw more money at the problem or not.

financialiasco Thu 16-Feb-17 12:21:29

I am the only bloody earner, well when we were together I was. Now he earns a pittance and runs up debts. He left the house and not a huge amount of equity in it, so my solicitor says forced sale would be highly unlikely as still would be nowhere near enough for him to buy outright and he will never get a mortgage alone. He doesn't want the house sold either.

The holiday was about the cheapest I could find for somewhere I would remotely want to be and is all-inclusive (never done that before, very scared) so shouldn't be that much more on top. I don't think £1800 is that much for three people all-inclusive and didn't see much for cheaper. Stayed in Wales last year and didn't spend that much less when you include everything and it bloody rained half the time. I want a nice break with my children.

VivDeering Thu 16-Feb-17 12:22:03

At the end of the summers it's your choice whether you're £1000 down or £2200 down.

daisychain01 Thu 16-Feb-17 12:22:29

When you give your ex his money, get the solicitor to reduce by £600 as 50% of the deposit, at least he can't wriggle out of that obligation.

They're his DC too!

VivDeering Thu 16-Feb-17 12:24:13

I think that you have a choice between splashing out on luxuries and living with debt for longer OR penny-pinching and getting rid of the debt sooner OR somewhere in between and compromising.

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