Aibu with my mother(21 Posts)
Long story, sorry
Me and my mother arent the closest, nor are my brother and her. We were bought up by our dad who worked 3 jobs when i was little just to give us what we needed/wanted. She didnt do any of that until my brother had joined the raf, had his own kid & i was about 10. My nan (mams mam) did more for us, but she died in 2011. When our nan died, my mother all of a sudden became daughter of the year. Apparently she did everything for my nan, when in reality all me, my brother and my dad remember her doing is upsetting her and trying to get more money off her. When she did try to make an effort after my nan died, she didnt give my dad help with money or spend real time with us, it was just her taking us shopping half the time and spending hundreds on herself and then moaning when we asked for dinner because "money doesnt grow on trees".
The situation with her making out she was the best daughter ever to my nan made things 10 times worse between her, me and my brother because we saw our nan everyday almost and we saw what my mother was like to her. In an argument once, my mother slammed the door on my nans face and she spent the rest of the day crying to her best friend, i bought that up once a few years ago when my mother was telling her friends "everything she did" for my nan and she made me out to be a liar. To this day, she calls me a liar when i mention it and has even had my uncles/rest of family call me a liar. The only person that believes me is my brother and my dad. Us three hated the fact that when my nan died, she made it all about her being the victim and when we got upset about her passing, even though she was like our mother, she said "she was just your nan, she was my mam". Pitty she didn't realize that before she died🙄 it just made our relationship even worse.
My mother and my dad are still friends, my mother goes to him if i dont answer the phone or if i disagree with her and makes me out to be horrible. I still live with my dad so thankfully he isn't an idiot and he knows me a lot better than her. He knows what shes like.
The main problem is, im 29 weeks pregnant and since i told her i was pregnant, she's been "grandmother of the year". She keeps buying things for the baby, that i've told her i dont really like but she buys it anyway. She bought the moses basket (without telling me) and then phoned me to tell me she was buying ANOTHER one for downstairs..i know im having a big baby so i wasnt fussed on spending so much money on something he might only be in a few weeks, but she wanted to spend a fortune again (shes on benefits) on one for downstairs. I really didnt see the point when he could sleep in his bouncer or his pram if he falls asleep downstairs and when i told her this, she gave me the guilt trip until i eventually caved in.
I've already decided i want to breastfeed and i dont want to express, i know it could be easier i just dont really want to do it, but she wanted to buy a pump. I said no because thats not how i wanted to do things and she said well tough you havent got a choice, ive had two kids i know what im on about. I felt like saying you might have giving birth to two kids but neither of us want a relationship with you and you wasnt there for the first 15 years of my life, even longer with my brother. She keeps saying how my baby is her first grandson and thats why shes spoiling him, but my baby isnt. He's her THIRD grandson, my brother has two boys (one born 4 weeks ago) and she hasnt bothered with them at all. The eldest is 7 this year, so she has no excuse. My nan (dads mam) who im extremely close too, has wanted to buy for the baby and everytime its mentioned to my mam - who apparently has a good friendship with my nan, she doesnt, my nan hates her - she says well hes my grandson your nan already has grandkids. I feel like screaming so do you. It just really infuriates me that she treats my baby like he's her son or she's the only person in his life. And that she thinks she can take over how i want to do things when he's MY son.
I havent directly told her i dont want her in the room with me when i give birth but i discreetly told her who my birthing partners were and that i wouldnt be changing my mind. She had a bazz about that. I told her my midwife advised me not to have a home birth (i didnt really want one anyway but my mother did) and she said "dont listen to the midwives all the time, they dont know it all"..which really wound me up.
Im not even close to her, i just speak to her for the sake of keeping my dads life easy otherwise he doesnt hear the end of it. (Theyre divorced but good friends). I dont want her input all the time, im grateful for it from ANYONE else but her, i just dont think shes in any position to give me parenting advice when both of her kids cant stand her. My dad and my family keep telling me to just be civil and to humor her but shes SO over powering and full on i cant stand much more of it. My brother just tells me to block her which is what i want to do sometimes.
Am i just being a cow?
The more you tolerate, the worse she will get. I dread to think what she is going to be like once your son is born!
No you're not being a cow. Do what is right for you and your baby. You shouldn't be stressing right now. Go nc.
Stop beating around the bush and tell her directly that you don't want her at the birth and you don't want anything else for the baby. You need to be tough and stand up for yourself or it's only going to get worse.
To be honest I don't know why you haven't cut contact with her, and I'm not one to generally tell people to go no contact.
There are some threads in the relationship that might give you some good advice.
Congratulations on your soon arriving baby!
Firstly, congratulations on the baby.
You need to get this sorted before the baby is born as the last thing you'll need when your baby is here is dealing with her histrionics.
Perhaps tou could write down what you want to say and give it to her to take hone and read. Advise her if she cant respect your wishes then you'll have no choice but to cut contact.
How big is your baby estimated to be?
You need to set the boundaries now before your son is born. She sounds like a nightmare and is going to damage the good relationships you do have with your Nan etc. Good luck!
Thanks everyone, i dont know why i havent cut contact either. I just feel like a bad person when i dont give people extra chances, but now its getting to the point where i cant take much more of it haha.
PastysPrincess i havent been told how much they think he'll weigh only that he will be a big baby as i've had quite a few growth scans and he's measured at least 2 and a half weeks ahead of my dates on all of them so they said to prepare for a bigger baby. I kind of expected it as his father was a 12 pound baby and he's 6 foot haha x
I think you need to remember that you have tried and tried and tried; it's your mum who is forcing no contact by her behaviour.
Having a large baby can be challenging as nothing is set up for them. Car seats were the worst!
herley why are you still in contact with a woman who brings you grief?
Can you go no contact, or if you feel not, go low contact?
"I havent directly told her i dont want her in the room with me when i give birth but i discreetly told her who my birthing partners were and that i wouldnt be changing my mind. She had a bazz about that. I told her my midwife advised me not to have a home birth (i didnt really want one anyway but my mother did) and she said "dont listen to the midwives all the time, they dont know it all"..which really wound me up."
Tell her now, that she will not be in the birthing room with you, where ever it is. Just go broken record on her. "I don't want you in the birthing room." No arguments or reasons, nothing for her to cling on to or ague you out of.
If yuo need to vary your message just say:
"I've made my choice"
"i've thought a lot about it"
"The decision is mine"
"Im not even close to her, i just speak to her for the sake of keeping my dads life easy otherwise he doesnt hear the end of it. (Theyre divorced but good friends)."
You are now an adult, you do not need to spend time or humour her, or allow her to hurt you anymore. Your dad for whatever reason has chosen to stay friends with this poisonous toxic woman, his choice.
You do not need to speak to her save for hello or goodbye or talk about the weather.
Think about how you can handle this 'relationship' best before baby comes.
No contact, low contact, your call.
" I dont want her input all the time, im grateful for it from ANYONE else but her, i just dont think shes in any position to give me parenting advice when both of her kids cant stand her. "
OF COURSE she is in NO position to give you advice. You can ignore it. you can let her talk and filter it out, or you can say
"I have thought about this and this is how I will do it."
Then go back to your mixer of..
"I've made my choice"
"i've thought a lot about it"
"The decision is mine"
"My dad and my family keep telling me to just be civil and to humor her but shes SO over powering and full on i cant stand much more of it."
Have you seen a counselor, you may be able to do so on the NHS.
You need advice and help to withstand her onslaughts.
Or you need to develop an imaginary irritable bowl or hair trigger bladder so as soon as she starts talking you need to say, "must go to the loo." Then go, in mid sentence, and don't come back into the room until she is gone.
"My brother just tells me to block her which is what i want to do sometimes."
Then do it. Really truly. She might even poison your life with your child.
You owe her nothing.
"Am i just being a cow?" not in a fucking MILLION years.
Get some advice and help, read up on toxic parents and then just cut her out or go low contact.
Filer her words under 'ignore', just ignore her comments, smile inwardly as you see yourself throwing her words in the rubbish bin. Just be plain with her
"my baby my choice."
She had her chance with you, she blew it, she is still blowing it, you owe her nothing.
(PS in case you think I am a heartless cow, I am very friendly and kind in real life, I volunteer at church, help people out etc, and I am very empathetic generally. But I cannot abide cruelty, and she has been cruel to you and you do not fucking need to put up with it anymore.
Look after you first, then your baby, and do not give time to people or opinions that hurt you. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX [hugs]
Can you go very low contact? Make sure the hospital/team know she is not to be allowed near you during labour. Every time she tells you how she wants things to go, just tell her no, I don't want that. Believe me, it gets easier every time you say it. Take no shit, pet, this is your first baby, you will be hands full, you don't need the extra stress.
Please please right in big letters in your birth plan that you do not want her at the hospital when you're in labour.
Thank you everyone, i thought everyone would think i was such a bitch to think so low of my own mother haha.
Italiangreyhound i dont think you're a heartless cow, you speak a lot of sense. My brother cut contact quite easily but he's quite closed when it comes to feelings, he doesnt really care. I take after my dad though and im quite big hearted so i feel like i wont know if someones truly going to change until i give them chances and if i dont give them another chance, i feel like maybe that would have been the time they did change - just silly thinking i think haha. When i said im still in contact for my dads sake i didnt explain properly - my dad is happy with someone else even though my mother tried to ruin it countless times. When my parents FINALLY got divorced, my mother decided she wanted to stay friends because she realizes my dad was the best thing for her but he doesnt want her back. She could send him 20 texts and he would one word reply but he does it so that we have a mother option if we chose to want her. If it wasnt for him keeping her in the loop, she would have left and he does it so that if we ever change our opinion of her she's there. He gets fed up of her just as much as me and my brother do but he's doing it for us. Im a major major daddies girl so it breaks my heart to think that my mothers making his life hard, i just cant stand the thought of it and nor can my brother. I have turned round a good few times and said "dad im sorry but i dont want to talk to her anymore" but then i've seen how many texts and missed calls she leaves him and she lays the guilt trip on him hard.."you're so lucky you have them and they love you, they dont love me blah blah blah". Its a viscous cycle, one that i dont know how to get out of without hurting someone. Thanks for everything you've said, it really helped xx
You need to think of yourself and your baby now so if it means cutting contact then do so. Your dad has enabled your mum to be there in your life as you've chosen not to cut her out. If your dad sees you're serious about not having her in your lifethen he would probably back you up and not put up with the shit from your mum. Don't worry about him, he can deal with it. He did divorce her after all. I would worry about boundaries with the baby and as baby grows up what kind of nonsense will she be spouting in their ears. You don't need someone like this in your life. Don't take the easy route of giving in and saying it's because you are big hearted. Read you original post back- do you want someone like that in your baby's life? (Sorry a bit jumbled, can't believe you thought people wouldn't be on your side after that Post!)
Harley there is no luck involved in why you and your brother love your dad! He did the hard job of parenting alone.
Can I ask if you are parenting alone?
Do you want your mum to have contact with and potential influence over your baby?
DO NOT allow her in your birthing room of you do not want her there!!!!!!!!
Yes im going to do it alone, i say alone but i have a very very supportive and close knit family so even though his dad isnt involved, i dont feel like im gunna be alone
I've told her i dont want her there, she said she would come down for a few days to help but i know "help" means take over in her world so i said no, she hasnt said anything else about it so i'm going to start putting my foot down more xx
harley, put the foot down.
Only in your case it won't be a disaster, it will be the start of putting you, and your baby, first!
You should probably keep your distance tbh.
My mother was similar when I was pregnant. She became grandma of the year even though we hadn't spoken for 6 months.
Even though we were never close she came to stay to 'help' me for a month after the birth. I had to wait on her hand and foot.
The gifts she is buying aren't what you want or need. They're about her and if you let it continue she'll continue to take advantage.
Good luck and congratulations.
Big hugs to you, OP, I know exactly how you feel. My mother is very similar - she manipulates, plays on sympathies and rewrites history to make herself out to be the victims in any situation. We lived with my DDad from the age of 11 but she still acts as though she knows us best, despite making almost zero effort to see us since. She's not seen my kids in years, because she 'can't do the long drive, due to back pain' and expects my DH to take time off work, my kids to come out if school and drive us all to visit them instead (they're retired). They still go on frequent long-haul flights however so I guess her back pain subsides now and then? 🙄 She's never paid a penny to my DDad in child support or helped us as adults. My brother's gone NC but I'm like you and can't quite bring myself to (the guilt). She's also a big UKIPPER, wants to bring back the death penalty and is a fair bit racist. Reading this back, I'm amazed I even email her once or twice a year! All I meant to say is that there are toxic people in the world, just because you're related to them doesn't mean you have to continue a relationship with them. Give your son the best start in life possible - one without her in it. X
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