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AIBU To not want to move?

(14 Posts)
mummylulu Wed 15-Feb-17 17:56:00

Where to start? Hubby and I got together as a long distance relationship but after long discussion it was decided that he would move the 4 hour journey to where I lived with my DD - this was 5 years ago.

We now have a child together and another on the way, plus he has a son with SN back where he is from. He travels every couple of weeks to see him alone, then we all visit during school holidays.

Hubby now wants to move back as he hates the travelling plus hates being away from the family when he goes. DD is in a very good school here and our DS is due to start school in September. All my friends are here, and my mum (a widower) who the children are very close to.

On top of this, I had severe PND after DS was born, so I'm naturally worried that this could happen again (still on medication due to this).

As much as I understand his motivations for wanting to relocate (so we can all be together all the time and the children all get to spend time together more frequently), I can't help but be reluctant to move. We almost moved last year but daughter became ill and plans were put on hold.
Since then I've realised I really don't want to uproot the children and move somewhere I will have no support and feel isolated, and away from everything and everyone they know.

MatildaTheCat Wed 15-Feb-17 18:37:01

Oh dear,this isn't a situation where you can really compromise. Easy to see both points of view. YANBU to not wish to move but then neither is he.

How desperate is he and what about financial implications for you both?

Wigbert Wed 15-Feb-17 18:39:58

I wouldn't move. I'm sorry that your husband is unhappy, and I would try to see if there was more you could do to help him such as all going with him for the weekend or having his son to stay, however he made the decision to move to your area to be with you and if you don't want to move then that is that.

Have you told him that you do not want to move? What has he said about it?

expatinscotland Wed 15-Feb-17 18:41:14

He needs to suck it up. No way I'd move.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Wed 15-Feb-17 18:43:57

Difficult situation. One of you wins, one loses. I'm trying to think of a compromise.

RB68 Wed 15-Feb-17 19:00:12

So he wants to move all of you for the sake of an occasional weekend he has with his other child. He is only thinking of himself here - what about your Mum and her relationship with your children, why does he not bring child over to you guys??

mummylulu Wed 15-Feb-17 19:16:33

Matilda - no financial implications other than possibly reduced mortgage if we move. I'm currently SAHM and he would be able to get a job on similar salary wherever he worked.

Hubby's ex wife is unreasonable (in my opinion) and won't let him come to our house as she thinks it is too far.

I have told him I don't want to move and all the reasons but it is like the information doesn't sink in and the next day he carries on saying we've GOT to move. Rock and a hard place!

Throughthick the only compromise I can think of is somewhere in the middle - but then that means no support at all.

RB are you sure you aren't my mum?! I just think I'm being unfair when I think that it is all about him, but the last few days I'm thinking that I'm justified in not wanting to uproot everyone just to make his life easier. Gah!

anxious2017 Wed 15-Feb-17 19:44:18

Not a chance, no way, nada. I'd never, ever leave my mum behind. I'd never uproot my children for those reasons. He chose to move to you. He knew the situation and it would be extremely selfish to uproot you all. The real issue is the issue of his ex not letting the child come to you. She is being unreasonable. If he addresses that issue, problem solved, surely?

Allthebestnamesareused Wed 15-Feb-17 21:41:49

How old is the DSS?

HarryPottersMagicWand Wed 15-Feb-17 21:45:53

YANBU. Don't move. Sorry but he is being very selfish. This move is all about him. He travels to see his son every few weeks and you all go in the holidays. This is fine. It would be a huge thing to uproot you, your children and leave your mum just because he wants to move back.

Headofthehive55 Wed 15-Feb-17 22:16:09

You seem to be prioritising your mothers relationship with your children over your DH with his child. How would you like him to move and pop back to see your children?

Headofthehive55 Wed 15-Feb-17 22:17:24

Would you be happy seeing your child every other week? Why is that OK for him?

tiredofhavingtothinkofnewnames Wed 15-Feb-17 22:22:21

YANBU. Don't move. Sorry but he is being very selfish. This move is all about him.

No it isn't. It is about his son with special needs. Children with SN are a life time commitment. He may well be caring for his son when the child is in their 40s or 50s. You cant just drop children and move on. Sounds like he is trying to be responsible but maybe he should never of moved in the 1st place.

Imagine if it was posted from the other point of view. I have a child with SN. His dad moved away. Visits every few weeks. Leaves me caring alone almost all of the time with a child with SN etc. Mumsnet would be up in arms saying that he needs to step up.

JoanofNark17 Wed 15-Feb-17 22:27:56

If he cared that much about his son he never would have left. Bit late now to decide that it matters how far away he is, years later and when it would be ahuge ask of 3 other people to move.
I wouldn't (but then I wouldn't have married him tbh)

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