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Feel let down by husband

(10 Posts)
4seasons Wed 15-Feb-17 14:11:23

A very good friend of mine died a few weeks ago. Have been trying , with other friends to be supportive to her husband who is devastated by her loss. He's a lovely guy, very positive and chatty and cared for my friend at home until the end.
He came for coffee this morning. My DH was on his computer upstairs so I asked if he wanted to come down to join us or if he wanted me to take his coffee upstairs. He came down and sat in virtual silence for about an hour , hardly bothering to join in the conversation. When my friends husband had left I asked him why he had been like that. He replied that he was a quiet person ( not strictly true as I've seen him in company !) and that this man wasn't his sort of person ! Over many years of marriage I have chatted to / fed / gone out with his relatives , his parents neighbours, his work colleagues and his friends. I have raised my voice ( not something I do a lot ) and called him rude and selfish. His reply ? " Oh go away " ....
I made lunch , he's eaten it and is now acting as though nothing has happened. Meanwhile I am inwardly fuming . Was I unreasonable in expecting him to chat to my friends husband pleasantly..... just as a favour to me ?

DrivingMeBonkers Wed 15-Feb-17 14:16:35

Some people are very uncomfortable with grief and bereavement. Unless you were having difficulty keeping the conversation flowing, I don't know what value you expected your DH to add. I can talk the hind leg off a donkey and I work a room, but I certainly would be bemused at being co-opted in as a spare wheel in that situation.

nigelforgotthepassword Wed 15-Feb-17 14:16:40

YANBU...especially in the circumstances.If it was import to you to have your friend over and offer support then it should also be important to your h to support you in that.Plus he didn't have to come down-you gave him the choice.Why come down and then make it clear he was doing it under duress? You didn't force him to, he chose to.He was being rude and actually could have shown more empathy for your friend who probably doesn't need an awkward hour with silent Bob at this point.

Sisinisawa Wed 15-Feb-17 14:17:33


Your husband was an arse.

LaContessaDiPlump Wed 15-Feb-17 14:19:54

I think it would have been horribly rude for your DH to be known to be in the house and not interact with someone who's recently been bereaved - the very least you do is come out and express your condolences and be seen to be making an effort to show you care. Just being in the room is not sufficient evidence of caring - it has to be accompanied by look, gesture, the occasional word.

If your DH was listening attentively and making the appropriate noises then it's not so bad if he was quiet, but if he looked distracted and disinterested then that is abominably rude.

4seasons Wed 15-Feb-17 18:39:57

Thank you for your responses. My friend's husband had dinner with us 2 weeks ago and DH seemed fine with it ( mind you , after a glass or two of wine he'll talk to anyone !), so I can't understand his attitude today.
He is carrying on as if nothing has happened even though I shouted at him and was very blunt. He does this whenever I try to discuss an uncomfortable subject .... things get quickly swept under the carpet and life goes on as usual. Anything for an easy life on his part. Everyone thinks he's so kind and helpful .... and he is ! I sometimes think though that he secretly likes the kudos this brings.
He has said he thinks my friend's husband just needs " to get on with things ".... even though his wife only died a few weeks ago. I must admit it makes me wonder if he would get over my death quickly !!! Not a comfortable thought really....

paddlenorapaddle Wed 15-Feb-17 18:45:34

It's about good manners and doing things with good graces I really feel for you bereaved people need company and support finding their way. Hopefully he didn't really notice and he's lucky to have friend in you

As for your 'D'h maybe pose the question that's truly upsetting you

Ilovecaindingle Wed 15-Feb-17 18:48:06

I would be asking him would he be getting on with things so soon if he was in his shoes!??
And stop making his lunch!

Trollspoopglitter Wed 15-Feb-17 18:49:47

And you still made his lunch?! shock

foxyloxy78 Wed 15-Feb-17 18:56:14

Very rude of him. Yanbu.

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