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MIL and other relationships, counselling and NC problems.

(7 Posts)
pootleperkinandposy22 Wed 15-Feb-17 12:23:19

Sorry its a long one!

My counsellor has been very judgmental lately. I used to trust her and she has really helped me in the past (I have seen her for years) but she seems to be going back on some things she has told me in the past.

I am very confused. Initially she told me that my family was dysfunctional (difficult childhood) and that this has affected my relationships with other people including friends and choice of partner.

Lately I have made A LOT of progress and understand more than I ever did, I have been given AD’s which have helped me to see clearly (she did advise me not to take these as she said she has seen people be much worse off after taking them but they’ve been good for me). Now she is telling me that the problem is me.

You see, I am having more trouble with my in-laws as well as my extended family. I think because I am more confident and assertive and they don’t like it. In the past I have tried to be the voice of reason in DH’s disputes with his family but I don’t want to any more. I understand why he doesn’t get on with them more and although it makes me feel guilty I am trying to respect his decision to go LC/NC. (MIL treats our DC differently to BIL’s DC and this is what bothers us most .e.g. sometimes buys presents for BIL’s DC but not ours.)

I have said repeatedly that I am not trying to keep my DC away from her, only that one of us must be present to show the DC how to stand up to her and what to say when she is unreasonable with them but my counsellor seems to think the trouble with his family is my entire fault! She told me that karma will come back at me! Especially as I appear to be having trouble with more people. I just don’t know what’s right anymore.

Last year I was quite ill – it was a really worrying time. Is this the karma she is talking about?

I am wondering about the people I am friends with too. I seem to pick people who just want to take from me all the time or ones who like to critise and put me down. I am trying to be more tolerant of these people without dumping them and learning to say no. I thought this was the healthy thing to do.

Now I am questioning everything. I don’t know whether to say how I feel to my counsellor- will she get angry? Should I just stop going or should I stop talking about the IL’s and focus on my immediate family or friend problems when I go i.e. the stuff she seems more reasonable about?

I wondered if she was siding with MIL as she has GC’s herself and was considering her POV...Also I don’t think she has counselling supervision anymore. She let something slip once and that made me wonder.

So thanks for reading and thoughts are welcome...Is it me or her? If it’s me any advice?

ohfourfoxache Wed 15-Feb-17 12:26:21

Find someone else. She does not sound professional AT ALL

burblish Wed 15-Feb-17 12:36:07

You definitely need to see someone else. She may have been very helpful in the past but is clearly no longer a good fit for you. Don't let any feeling of guilt or obligation stop you - the point of counselling is for it to help you, and your current counsellor doesn't sound as though she is doing that any more. In a way, it actually speaks well for the progress you have made that you are able to identify that this relationship is no longer a healthy one and therefore shouldn't be pursued. You can do this! flowers

burblish Wed 15-Feb-17 12:37:42

Oh, and I'm angry at her saying karma would come back at you - what a load of absolute bollocks and extraordinarily unprofessional of her to boot.

junebirthdaygirl Wed 15-Feb-17 12:41:17

Well l think if she sees a pattern emerging of how you get on with people it's good for you to look at that. If one person falls out with a lot of people they do need to question their own way of handling things. This may come from your family of origin. Is it worth exploring?

ShaniaTwang Wed 15-Feb-17 12:46:28

If you trust her professionalism, she is properly accredited and supervised, then be self reflective and consider if there is a pattern.

If you don't and she isnt, I would be concerned.

Perhaps if you've been working together for years she has lost some professional objectivity, and that is not good.

pootleperkinandposy22 Wed 15-Feb-17 13:03:32

Thank you for the replies so far. It does feel hard to let it go, she has done so much for me. I never thought I'd be the one wondering about stopping it. I always used to be terrified of her suggesting I didn't need counselling anymore but I wonder if she sees me more as a friend now- I would have liked to have her as a friend (under different circumstances).

burblish the karma thing was the one that really made me stop and think about all this. I was quite worried and upset about it. Thanks for the flowers!

junebirthday girl yes-my DM had very off/on relationships with her family and my DF was NC with his brother. They both had difficulty with friendships-this is what worries me. Am I just repeating their mistakes or were they doing the right thing trying to protect themselves? I tried hard not to be like that and in doing so I am acting the same way!
But I see why my DP were the way they were. It does seem justified. DM couldn't cope going NC so tried to put up with it til she couldn't anymore and then they would suck her back in...DF just wouldn't tolerate the mistreatment. I guess history repeats its self.

I'll perhaps try a different counsellor then.

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