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Aibu, row with mum regarding dd with sn being removed "for the sake of others"

(146 Posts)
UserReuser Wed 15-Feb-17 11:46:40

Dd is autistic, BUT loves ballet. Quite obsessed with watching it on you tube, mirrors dance very well, actually looks rather good. If you put on classic FM she will dance beautifully in time and with real expression and variety.

DS goes to ballet and DD has been amazed and wanted to, so I take her now. Obviously she doesn't follow a lot, but she loves it despite the struggle and is quite desperate to get out the door to it (otherwise hates leaving the house at all).

She is generally mute and doesn't touch others so I'd not seen an issue. Teacher is pretty decent. Basically when they all get up to dance dd joins in, can get a tad confused but smiles a lot. When they sit dd stays at a distance twirling etc. There were meltdowns early on but now she is content mostly and even goes in alone. Teacher leaves her to it it really.

My mum has had to take her for a few weeks due to appointments I have, I've been a bit upset to hear mum takes her out once she is unfocused. So at least missing two thirds. She says it's not fair on others, dd giggles or vocalises quietly at times but generally it's just movement when they should be still. Dd has made massive massive progress to join in to the extent she does and I feel she is now withdrawing again. We've been asked to leave other local activities due to her behaviour (ballet she is calmer). Dd is generally being hard work right now and I don't think she's liked being taken out and is kicking back

Other parents haven't said anything, they generally smile at us and don't glare daggers or anything! The teacher is chilled, I'd guess she knows someone with asd as she's so good, feedbacks if she makes eye contact or follloes an instruction quite pleasantly though we've never had a proper chat. Some children do need extra refocusing when dd is there due to her movement and ways, though this is just mild verbal reminders. They are pretty young so nothing unusual I would have thought. One finds it a bit more difficult not to watch dd, but still joins in ( and would possibly be distracted by anything at all)

Mum is good with her generally, but we've just had quite a row over this. Mum feels over parents are paying and playgroup is better, I think she's both making progress she doesn't make elsewhere plus she loves it so why not indulge her. Mum reckons I am not aware enough, I reckon I may as well take her until the level tops out or she doesn't enjoy it.

As it's aibu
- she doesn't touch others
-she doesn't generally talk at all
-her movements can be quite silly, but largely it's dancing quietly

So, what do others do? Would you care as much as my mum reckons?

VacantExpression Wed 15-Feb-17 11:59:53

I would be chuffed to bits to see how much she is enjoying herself and I would be proud as punch to see her blossoming if she were in my child's class. I'd maybe make the time to chat to the teacher but I think your mother IBU, and very unfair to your DD here. (I have experience of SN with two of my children though which might affect my judgement here).

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed Wed 15-Feb-17 12:01:13

I think your mum is BU. The other parents haven't said anything, the teacher is happy to include your daughter in the class, so there isn't a problem.

drinkyourmilk Wed 15-Feb-17 12:02:48

If the teacher is happy then your mum shouldn't interfere!

yellowfrog Wed 15-Feb-17 12:04:42

Your daughter sounds fab - keep taking her (and f you can, avoid your mum taking her if she is being so negative!)

SootSprite Wed 15-Feb-17 12:06:05

I think you need to have a conversation with the teacher and see what she wants you to do. I can see your Moms point of view, in that if your dd is being disruptive then it really isn't fair on the others. But I can also see your point of view.

I think you need an honest chat with the teacher, letting her know that if she wants your dd to leave then that's okay. Hopefully she'll say it's fine and she can carry on,

Rugbyplayersarehot Wed 15-Feb-17 12:06:23

It's your mums issue here not your dds chat to the teacher and get her view

prettywhiteguitar Wed 15-Feb-17 12:07:02

Ignore your mum she's being self conscious and just bothered about what others think. If the teacher is happy then that's the go ahead! Not whether your mum thinks it or not

UserReuser Wed 15-Feb-17 12:07:39

Vacant- it's been quite nice not chatting! Everywhere dd goes is such a song and dance in paperwork, it was busy the first week. Dd obv was clocked quickly, teacher smiled, we just never chatted in detail. She makes odd comments that make it clear she's on the ball, such as asking if the fan will bother her

harderandharder2breathe Wed 15-Feb-17 12:07:53

Yanbu

If the teacher is happy for her to stay in class then she should stay in class.

JaxingJump Wed 15-Feb-17 12:07:55

There's is plenty of room both physically and figuratively for your daughter in this class. Sounds like not only is she doing no harm but is possibly teaching the other kids a thing or two about Sn.

I'm a little surprised you haven't sat down with the teacher to discuss her participation, check what would be classed as disruption and speak about how she can get the most out of her time there both for dance and for teaching her about participation in social activities. I think that would have been the right thing to do from the beginning both to open the door for the teacher to speak up when she feels it's necessary and to give you the opportunity to help the teacher understand your daughter.

MrsHathaway Wed 15-Feb-17 12:08:07

Is your mother embarrassed by DD? That's the feeling I'm getting from your post. It doesn't seem to be actually about DD's enjoyment or that of the other children and parents, but about your mother's general attitude to DD.

lokisglowstickofdestiny1 Wed 15-Feb-17 12:08:26

The only person that seems bothered by this is your Mum, if she can't handle taking your Dd and allowing her to stay in the lesson then I would try and take her yourself.

Solasum Wed 15-Feb-17 12:08:32

If the teacher had a problem, she would say so. Let your DD keep dancing, it sounds like she really loves it!

lionsleepstonight Wed 15-Feb-17 12:10:56

Can you organise your schedule to ensure you take your daughter each week, as I think you'll fight a loosing battle with your mum.

Also, have a word with the teacher and have an agreement at what point she would feel it is necessary.

At the moment neither of you know if the teacher is ok with the disruption.

If possible have your mum there too so she can hear what the teacher says, that way you are not tied to the weekly classes.

Could it be that the pair of you are at either ends of the scale - potentially you may be more biased to all more disruption, and your mum on the other end of the scale, being too quick to remove? A chat with the teacher should hopefully find a middle ground.

UserReuser Wed 15-Feb-17 12:11:32

Soot- tbh I don't want to openly offer to leave like it's something we're happy with, when dd would be really upset. We have been asked to leave every other group we've tried, people have never seemed shy of saying it! Gymnastics for toddlers lasted 3 minutes before we were told it isn't for children like her and given a refund/ no eye contact. I actively want her to do it so I don't really want to offer to go so easily when there's so little else for dd out there (and that includes the bloody crap children's centre!). Obv I would if asked. I'm quite ok with toleration

UserReuser Wed 15-Feb-17 12:13:03

Personally I take dd out if she screams or stops taking part at all, seems a sensible bar.

Mum is a tad funny, there is back history

Batteriesallgone Wed 15-Feb-17 12:13:59

The other parents are paying yes BUT crucially here, your child isn't monopolising the teachers attention. Essentially the other children are learning the value in following directions from the teacher, an important skill that is wider than ballet. I'd have no issue with your daughter in the class. I'd only have an issue if she was purposefully disruptive such that the teacher had to spend a lot of time one on one with her. And then it would be the teachers responsibility to take you aside and say it isn't working.

Has your mum considered how disrespectful she is being to the teacher in this? Implying that she is incapable of leading a class that includes an autistic student? It is not your mums place to determine the class size or make up, that it the teachers call. Your mum sounds embarrassed sad she shouldn't be taking that out on your DD. It's her discomfort, she needs to be the one who deals with it.

bumsexatthebingo Wed 15-Feb-17 12:14:10

I'm in 2 minds. If the teacher is happy and the other parents are then on the one hand your mum shouldn't interfere. Presumably the other kids are old enough that the parents can explain about your dd to them and I know my kids would be accepting of the need for different rules. Most children will also be used to children having different needs at school as well.
Another part of me thinks though that if your dd really loves ballet it could be a good way to help her to learn about following instructions. But only if she is able to - if she isn't then it is pointless taking her out at all. I only say that as my son has asd and similarly used to do his own thing at groups and I did take him out when he stopped engaging and he did eventually learn to do what the others did. It very much depends on the child though and as you're her mum it should ultimately be your call. If your mum was only taking her for a short while maybe it won't be a problem now or will she still be taking her sometimes?

SootSprite Wed 15-Feb-17 12:16:02

I just meant that you should let the teacher know that you'll abide by her decision, that you won't be 'that' parent that insists her child stays.

I'm sure it'll be fine, and that way you can tell your mom that the teacher has okayed it.

But, I have to say, if you don't like the way your mom does things then why not just stop asking her to help?

UserReuser Wed 15-Feb-17 12:16:47

I have hospital appts that clash, it's mum goes or no ballet

DeterminedToChange Wed 15-Feb-17 12:16:59

Gymnastics for toddlers lasted 3 minutes before we were told it isn't for children like her

That has really shocked me. What a terrible thing for someone to say.

How old is your daughter?

Hullygully Wed 15-Feb-17 12:17:19

It's about your mum's feelings not your dd's or the teacher's or other children's. It makes her uncomfortable. I'd suggest she doesn't take her if she can't cope.

Notanotherpawpatrol Wed 15-Feb-17 12:19:18

I think you should leave her. The teacher is happy, the other parents are happy, DD is happy....What's the problem? If other parents were complaining you would hear about it, the teacher wouldn't want to loose students so would be asking how to improve the situation, or like you've said, asking you to leave.
Ignore your mother and let her continue.
Fwiw, my DD also has autism and we really struggle with things like this, I'd she was enjoying something as much as your DD I would be fighting tooth and nail to keep her there!
Plus also want to pick up on a point your mum made about the other children paying to be there...I'm assuming you are also paying fees for DD! Ignore your mum, you all have e the same rights to the dance class.

bostonkremekrazy Wed 15-Feb-17 12:19:29

As another parent it wouldnt bother me at all....but i'm a parent with children who have sen.
I would say to the teacher...you may have guessed dd has some aditional needs, please feel free to catch me if any issues arise. Thanks for being so great with her ☺.
I understand you not wanting to explain everything to eveyone all the time, but you've opened a door in case its needed in the future.

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