to feel let down and depressed

[Areasonablegal]

Sorry if wrong topic

Feeling very upset about my family. I have a big family - one of 5 girls, parents divorced when i was 6

I have one dc who is 18mth and one due.

My oh and i argue all the time and im finding myself increasingly lonely.

My family have never been close but i feel so sad that they literally make no effort. My dad has seen dc 4 times, my mom the same. None of my siblings bother....none of them came to the baby shower (including my mom), no siblings came to the 1st bday party despite me always having made the effort for all of their kids.

I feel let down

My inlaws dislike me because i took oh away from them. My oh has told me repeatedly that he is jealous of his sibling as his siblings oh family is the opposite of mine. I get critacised all the time and called names (slovenly, lazy etc. - im not perfect but im not those things)

I feel very angry and bitter towards my family for not caring about me or my child (or the one on the way) and also very lonely in my marriage. All my oh and i seem to do is argue or go through the motions....

I feel very jealous of friends whose family offer support. Ive not been out anywhere alone since dc was born. I feel like ive lost myself - gone from earning £60k in a good job to being a stay at home mum with a £100 allowance each week (all household shopping, spending, clothing for me and dc etc).

Am i being unreasonable to feel let down by my family? Is this some kind of pnd or depression in this current pregnancy or are things genuinely rubbish? I cant think straight

[Areasonablegal]

• ive not invited my family to dc2 baby shower as they made it very clear that mone of them are interested in anything like that (regardless that id like them there).
  

I think planning dc2 baby shower has made me feel shot again because i remember how upset i felt last time when none of them came

I think i just really need the support of my family right now (for lots of reasons) and am very upset at the realisation that they may as well not exist.

It dossnt help that i feel my marriage is in trouble as we just dont seem to get on anymore. Things are good for a while then go shit again. My oh seems to expect everything on a stick but doesnt appreciate that i have zero support and have to do everything on my own. Ive had no break at all since dc1 was born. I am exhausted.

[redexpat]

Yanbu. I dont think its depression. It sounds like a normal reaction to having poor familial support, possibly toxic in laws, a poor relationship with your OH and a change in finances. That is a lot to have on one plate.

Who is calling you lazy and slovenly? That bit wasnt clear.

[Fakenewsday]

Hi op, this would depress anyone. Why did you give up that job, if you don't mind me asking? Did they refuse to let you do part time hours? I had a lot of fights with dh and similar completely absent family support and working helped me keep independent self esteem, know I could support my kids on my own and money to pay for help. I'd like to know more about whether you could re consider looking for work, if you were on that sort of salary you must've been very good.

[Fakenewsday]

I also think you should be angry with you dh - why are you limited to an allowance? Is he on a low income? Why can't you tell him that you are going to stay in bed and he's looking after the toder for a chunk of Saturday?

[MrsDustyBusty]

Whatever you do, go back to work.

[Areasonablegal]

Thanks x x I would usually say im a strong person but i feel so battered down. I was made redundant on mat leave (got a payout as threatened to sue -see, i dont usually take any crap). We agreed i would stay at home with dc as we planned to have 2 close together (there will be 21 mths between them when this lo arrives)

Its my oh that calls me names, sadly. Obviously not all the time but when he does he is horrid.

I know he feels all the financial burden of keeping us afloat financially but he takes it out on me and i believe he thinks i have it easy at home (i used to feel like that about stay at home mums myself, stupidly, until i became one and realised its 24/7 with no appreciation).

[Fakenewsday]

Sometimes we make bad plans, he obviously can't cope (unless he's just downright horrible) you feel worthless, I would honestly look for a new job. I've got new jobs after both my matneroty leaves and it's doable, if you live with an unappreciative dick and you don't think it's worth just leaving, the best you can do is force a more even split by working.

[Fakenewsday]

Like I said too, the arguments can't go on forever, it helped me to feel more powerful knowing I was earning my own money.

[Areasonablegal]

• my job was good but i would have to travel alot and it was very male orientated (my chances of getting back in to it now that i have a family is very low because its very sexist). Also, i dont want to be away from dc (or dc2 when born) all the time - id either be working away or be commuting silly hours so would not see them either at breakfast or bedtime.

[Fakenewsday]

To be very clear though, sahp should be valued, but I found you can't make someone value something they don't, fundamwntally. My dh still makes nasty comments about sahp at the school gate when he's in a bad mood. Tbf he doesn't always value my job either but I do not feel trapped anymore. Are you in the SE or an area where £60k pa will buy you a nice standard of living?

[Fakenewsday]

What were you in? I'd post on the back to work section and ask about related jobs - I'm in IT, very male dominated, lots of travel but I used my experience to negotiate a very flexible schedule. I've got friends that consult 3 days a week, so 3 days they travel and the rest of the week they are solely with their dc.

[DonutCone]

I do think it's odd to keep throwing yourself baby showers.. Maybe they just think that's really quite grabby.

Your OH is a much bigger problem than your family not wanting to play silly games and buy you presents before you've even had a baby.

[Fakenewsday]

Well if I was being given pocket money I'd be a bit grabby - 2 baby showers is hardly excessive. What a nice supportive post to an op who'/ habin a hard time donut.

[BillSykesDog]

You do sound depressed. Have you spoken to your GP about it? I've got PND at the moment and your post has that ring about it.

[pallasathena]

Sometimes, we have to just accept that it is what it is with relationships. You can't change people but you can change the way you perceive, react and give head-room to people.
Most people are seriously disappointed with something or someone in their lives. Nothing but nothing is perfect. The trick is to stop wanting other people to be 'better', 'kinder', 'more thoughtful, or whatever and just work on becoming the best version of yourself that you can be.
Cut out the negativity and replace it with a determination to find contentment. If that means changing the rules of engagement with the people in your life and the circumstances of your life, then so be it.

[EmeraldScorn]

I assume your husband agreed with you to have children and further that he was in agreement to have two close together, so why the hell he is casting up aspersions about this, that and the other speaks volumes.

He calls you names? He's a horrible bastard and I don't even know him. What is he, 6? He sounds like a bully! Please don't tolerate that from him, imagine when your kids are older and they hear him. What an awful thought!

You gave up your job to look after the children that you and he conceived together, he has no right to criticise you and you have no reason to put up with it.

I think the anger directed at your family is somewhat misguided when in reality the person you should be most angry with is your husband. Of course your mum etc should be making more of an effort but the biggest issue here is your home life.

You sound miserable (I don't blame you) and what's this about an allowance, do you mean your husband limits you to £100 a week for all necessities? That's understandable if he's in a low paying job (but if that's not the case then there's a problem) although you must find it hard to buy everything on that level of money.

I wish I had some advice for you but I think only you can change your situation.

[SEsofty]

It's your oh who is the main issue. You need to sit him down and have a proper conversation about money, roles and emotional support.

As an aside a lot of people hate baby showers and think of them as distasteful because you never know what is going to happen until healthy baby is actually here. Therefore that is a real distraction from your very real issue with your oh

[DrivingMeBonkers]

Also, i dont want to be away from dc (or dc2 when born) all the time - id either be working away or be commuting silly hours so would not see them either at breakfast or bedtime.

Are you currently happy? The answer to that is no, or you wouldn't be posting. Is being at home making you happy? no. Is your DP making you happy? no. Family? no. Money isn't everything, are you happy on a £100 a week spends? no!

I'm going to be quite brutal. You are well on the way to losing your own identity. I'd straight back out the door and into work. Lots will disagree with me but a working mother who has quality time is far better than a depressed/down mother who is moping in an unhealthy environment. Take control of your life again.

[Fakenewsday]

I completely agree driving. Especially if your d h is unappreciative. Also you got a redundancy payout - what happened to that?

[Bipbopbee]

Hi Op
I'm sorry things are difficult and you are feeling low. It is not surprising.
I have a few suggestions based on what you've posted.
I understand DC are very young and there is another on the way imminently. Do you have good friends that can support you/that you meet up with also with young DC? Is there any way you can brainstorm with other SAHM and get together a business idea or home childcare opportunity etc to give you a positive focus; earn a bit of money from home until DC are older and you can up the ante with work. Or even set up a mutual childcare type thing with another parent that enables each of you to do something work wise outside the home?
I think perhaps this might give you a positive focus and bit of self identity, even if it was just a few hours a week.. admin work, accountancy etc? Not excusing DH calling you names either, but might take the pressure off him a bit financially.
Perhaps write down all your qualifications, skills, experience etc and come up with a plan.

[Areasonablegal]

Thanks all x

Donut - not helpful at all. I have had losses and so having a babyshower for dc1 and having one for dc2 isnt grabby. Im not asking for any gifts, its just another way to celebrate something very special because i am very grateful. My family go to friends ones....but arent interested in mine as they didnt do that themselves and are a bit green-eyed over it (sad but true). My family, i am sad to say dont like to celebrate happy times mainly due to jealousy but also because they cant be bothered to make the effort (they will take the effort off me though, always have!)

The redundancy payout has helped us be able to manage with me at home. - backstory: we had bought and moved into a bigger house that needed everything doing just before the hr people visited me at home whilst i was 1/2 way through mat leave to tell me i was being let go. If it was cosmetic we'd have left it but there was no central heating, the windows were literally falling out etc. A good amount went on making the house fit to live in with a young baby. The rest is nearly gone now.

My oh can be an arse but then i know he feels immense pressure financially. I can see how it must appear to him with me going from doing the job i had (lots of travel, stress and pressure - which oddly i enjoyed!) to staying at home every day with our dc. If im honest id probably be resentful of him a bit if it was the other way around and i knew know different. He is being a dick calling me names.

The lack of any involvement from my family does upset me, i cant help it. It wouldnt be so bad but for the fact that its all women, with kids, so i had hoped they would know how i felt. I have always supported them and been a great aunty to their children but now its my turn for a family, they cant be bothered. - their kids are all much older as i was the last to have children. I feel a bit cheated and im annoyed that my lo's will miss out.

I feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place re work. I miss the financial independence and having money generally but i think id miss dc more tbh
Id feel so guilty not being with him.

[Fakenewsday]

i don't understand why you feel so guilty - plenty of mums travel part of the week, you just have to limit the amount you do. All parents struggle with guilt it goes with the territory. Also you need a group of non-family mum friends, it helps a lot. Sometimes family relationships just have too much mistrust on both sides. I had luck posting on mumsnet local for a meetup and met some lovely people. If you say your DH isn't generally a horrible arse, then clearly he's also not coping and you both need to re-think your plans.

[Chloe84]

My oh has told me repeatedly that he is jealous of his sibling as his siblings oh family is the opposite of mine.

Tell the idiot you didn't get lucky with in laws either. His family don't like you because you took him away?! He should be pissed off with them, not you!

I get critacised all the time and called names (slovenly, lazy etc. - im not perfect but im not those things)

Financial pressure is not an excuse to belittle you. You're supposed to be a team, OP. He is emotionally and financially abusive.

[Fakenewsday]

you could at least make a plan for how you'll get back to work and at what age, to share with DH so that you both know there is a close point at which things will get better and keep reminding yourselves of that.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

hey, I am so sorry and not surprised you are depressed. you have gone from one unkind family to another. Some very simple advice

you are all your kids have, yes they have a father I guess but you need to get better for them, as for your previous and worthy self.

step 1, book a GP appointment give the high level data on the fact that a weak family network on both sides and a failing relationship is making you depressed, get it LOGGED as personally I think its tough situation and not necessarily PG related. this was maybe after the baby is due, you can get some anti depressents to get you back on the straight and narrow

and this is mega, GET BACK TO WORK . its just amazing that you earnt £60K, you can be financially dependant , many women cant

your children are better off with a tired happy mum than a depressed Mum, I swear that. They period when they are small is very short and I would 100% plan on being financially independent

lastly, your self esteem is rock bottom . It leaps out from your post, what methods to improve this would you consider, a decent therapist could really help but you probably need to pay for it- would you consider that?

also how can you focus on the people that make you feel good, rather than the ones that makes you feel shit

hang on in there OP