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to think this is odd?

(112 Posts)
rumbletums Tue 14-Feb-17 23:49:52

We had a full time nanny for around 6 months last year for our 4yo and 1yo. She was fine, but not our ideal childcarer, because she didn't really listen to what we or the DC wanted or needed, she just did what she thought was right (which was good enough at the time, considering we were in transition.)

Examples of what she did that we didn't want: weaned youngest early. I was EBF-ing and she was giving him food because she thought she knew best. When he was finally weaning age. she was doing baby led weaning rather than purees (which was what i asked/prepared in fridge.) So I'd come back and there'd be a piece of carrot in his mouth when I'd asked her to use some apple puree. (I have no problem with BLW but purees are just easier for me and don't make me as anxious about choking etc.)

She also used to insist on taking both kids out all day while I was EBF-ing the youngest (he was 4 months) and not check her phone to come back when I needed her to come back for me to BF. Then ignore subsequent requests asking her to come back at certain times but always say she was very forgetful. She would go long periods (6 hours) not being in touch with us asking where she was, while she had both DC out with her.

She took a lot of managing and reminding about very basic things, like returning at a certain time, DC's meals and routines.

She also used to lecture us about bringing up DC and label the DCs (to us, not to them) as "intelligent" and "not intelligent" and "good" and "bad," according to what she observed. She used to sometimes judge us and tell us that we were not doing things in the proper way and were really disturbing our DC (we travelled a lot last year.) But I knew it was a temporary situation with her, so I just tuned her out a bit.

Oldest doesn't like her. Will not naturally go to her, was very reluctant to be left with her. It doesn't help that former Nanny is obsessed with youngest DC, who she spent all her time with, leaving oldest DC - when she was in her care - to wonder around aimlessly. Eldest got fed, bathed, changed, basic needs etc, but by the end did not get any further attention than that.

Christmas last year, former nanny's contract was up. We said that we weren't sure we needed a nanny anymore as oldest was about to start school. She told us that she wanted to go into a different line of work anyway. We helped her with a few applications and parted on good terms.

Yesterday former Nanny said she wanted to come and see the DC. This is surprising as she had no bond with 4yo at all, and 1yo just gets on/will go with everybody. She came to the house. 4yo ran away and would not go to her. She picked up youngest and carried him around. I offered her a cup of tea, like a guest, she said no. She then implied that she had turned down other job offers because she felt her loyalty was with us and she was waiting to see if we needed her again.

I had honestly told her in no uncertain terms that we would not need her again because 4yo is starting school, but she was almost blaming me and coercing me into giving her a job again by making me feel that she'd held out and turned down other offers for us.

Then, she said 1yo needed a bath and started to undress him. I was a bit shock as she took all his clothes off and went into our bedroom to run him a bath but I didn't really know what to say.

She then stayed for three hours. Bathed 1yo, fed him, dressed him, read him a story and put him to bed. shock shock

As she was leaving she said to eldest "shall I take you out next week?" Eldest said "no thank you." She said "come on, we'll make a date,." Eldest DC again said, "no." Former Nanny said to me that she would text me a date about taking eldest DC out.

Dh and I are in disagreement. DH who thinks his DC are the most beautiful creatures on earth, says he can understand someone who has been away from them missing them like this and wanting to be around them again. I feel like she is just trying to get her job back. Am I being a heartless cow? Is this how you're supposed to transition away from a nanny? Gradual withdrawal?

What do you think?

AnyFucker Tue 14-Feb-17 23:52:18

I think this is quite an unusual situation

frogmellla Tue 14-Feb-17 23:52:58

Yes I think it's odd you kept her on for 6 months.

Enidblyton1 Tue 14-Feb-17 23:55:45

Very odd! You just need to be firm and say you don't need a nanny any more. I'm guessing she can't find another job and is desperate to earn some money?

Chippednailvarnishing Tue 14-Feb-17 23:55:52

Yup I think it's odd. You kept a nanny on who basically favoured one child over the other. Not good.

rumbletums Tue 14-Feb-17 23:57:12

like I said, she took a lot of managing and reminding. So every time she did something we didn't like, we reminded her how we wanted it done and she'd revert to how we wanted it and slowly slip back. This is how it was with the favouritism too

luciole15 Wed 15-Feb-17 00:01:12

gin

featherland Wed 15-Feb-17 00:02:01

Your eldest doesn't like her, she is manipulating you, not listening to what you say and making you and your dh disagree. This is not someone your family needs in your lives. Whatever her reasons for coming round (I'd guess she hasn't been able to get another job and is trying her luck) are irrelevant. Just sever ties with her.

WickedLazy Wed 15-Feb-17 00:02:17

Is this a spoof thread?

You kept her on for 6 months??

After she bathed the baby (without being asked) I'd have told her I had somewhere (anywhere) to be, just to get away from her. Sounds extremely odd.

Twinkleheth Wed 15-Feb-17 00:02:32

OMG it's like a scene from The Hand that Rocked the Cradle shock this is
very very odd and I would definitely reassure oldest DC that you won't let ex nanny take her out. I would send a text to nanny and say you were caught out when she came over and should really have said there and then. Then I would say that you still don't need a nanny and she should definitely be taking up other offers! I would also say older DC just flat refuses to meet with her. Do not, I repeat, do not let this woman over your door again hmm

junebirthdaygirl Wed 15-Feb-17 00:02:52

I don't think calling back to see the children is odd. But everything else is. I have a friend who was a nanny and left that family when the children started school. Recently she went to the dds wedding as she has stayed in touch all the years. But she was a fab nanny. Yours is awful so l wouldn't engage with her

GangstaRat Wed 15-Feb-17 00:03:25

Wtf would you allow a woman who essentially kidnapped your kids, actively disobeyed all your wishes, undermined your parenting, acted like she was your kids' mother and not you, was verbally abusive and openly labelled them as "bad" and "not intelligent", judged your own behaviour, and is now acting like a total bunny boiler anywhere near them?

I think some women, if the nanny took the kids and vanished for an entire day against explicit orders and didn't answer their phone, would have been on to the police.

She sounds like a psycho.

GiddyGiddyGoat Wed 15-Feb-17 00:05:25

Yes. Very odd. And the nanny...

Neolara Wed 15-Feb-17 00:05:48

I would just be permanently unavailable. She sounds bonkers. Don't inflict her on your dcs.

WorraLiberty Wed 15-Feb-17 00:06:51

What GangstaRat said

With bells on

Chippednailvarnishing Wed 15-Feb-17 00:07:38

What Gangsta said.

Chippednailvarnishing Wed 15-Feb-17 00:07:47

X post!

BillSykesDog Wed 15-Feb-17 00:08:19

That is really strange. I would be sitting your DD down and having a good chat with her to make sure nothing happened that scared her or made her unhappy or uncomfortable when she was alone with the nanny before. It's odd she used to go awol with the children, and wants to get your DD alone plus stripped DS. I would be really worrying about this TBH.

rumbletums Wed 15-Feb-17 00:21:21

Thanks for responses

I said above - she took a lot of managing and reminding. So every time she did something we didn't like, we reminded her how we wanted it done and she'd revert to how we wanted it and slowly slip back. This is how it was with the favouritism too

So that includes the taking them out for long periods, the food choices and the judging them. This was over a period 6 months, where she would stop doing these things at our request and then slowly slip back. So she'd come back at the right time every day for a week, a bit later the next time, even later the next, then we'd have to remind her again.

It wasn't as sensational as gangsta summarises: she wasn't constantly AWOL, didn't "kidnap" them, and she wasn't verbally abusive.

kindermog Wed 15-Feb-17 00:24:10

Why didn't you ask her to leave?

Why did you let her undress and bathe your baby?

PuddleJumper01 Wed 15-Feb-17 00:27:59

Write her a REALLY good reference and make it plain that she won't be getting her job back or taking the elder child out at any future time.

WhyPost Wed 15-Feb-17 00:36:14

OP
What do you think?

I'm thinking weirdo! 😂

SpangledShambles Wed 15-Feb-17 00:41:23

I'm not sure a good reference would be fair to the next family... block her entirely - and as a hopefully paranoid precaution, brief the school that she is not in your employ.

Megatherium Wed 15-Feb-17 00:42:21

I get what you're saying about improvements after you spoke to her, but to be honest if she were my nanny she would have been out of the door the first time she disappeared for 6 hours, if not before.

I agree she's obviously trying to get the job back, but even if she wasn't, this is absolutely not a woman you should trust around your children. If or when she contacts you about taking the children out, you are going to have to stiffen your backbone and tell her that it is not going to happen and that you don't want her to contact you again.

Beeziekn33ze Wed 15-Feb-17 00:51:01

Your family does not need this woman! Her behaviour when she worked for you and now sounds irrational. Please go non contact for your DCs' sake.

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