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To be upset at hubby watching porn

(16 Posts)
bloobum Tue 14-Feb-17 22:48:57

We've been married 6 years and together 12, with a 3 yr old and 1 yr old with sn

Tonight I went to the loo and hubs iPad was there. Not thinking anything of it I picked it up to look something up while at the loo. A porn site popped up. This prompted me to look at the history and he watches porn every single day.

We haven't had sex in weeks. I feel a bit sad that he doesn't even approach me that much and seems to sort himself out most days?

I don't know what to do here. Do I approach him, or do I just accept that he prefers porn

GoesDownLikeACupOfColdSick Tue 14-Feb-17 22:58:36

Ah, love - if you're feeling sad then you need to approach him, otherwise it will eat away at you. He needs to tell you why he's using it and you need to tell him how you feel about that.

Bahh Wed 15-Feb-17 00:36:25

It's a normal thing a lot of people do regularly, I have massive insecurities around this from a previous relationship where he did what you are describing but for five years. But over time I'm learning to let go and understand it doesn't necessarily reflect anything about me or our sex life. I am not in control of his body or what he does with it.

However having been in this situation before, it is absolutely not unreasonable to be upset or angry at the fact he is choosing this over real life intimacy so regularly. Is he addicted? Is he tired and this is just quick and easy? Are you two going through a rough patch?

I think I'd have an honest conversation with him. Maybe write down what your actual problem with it is and go from there.

Bahh Wed 15-Feb-17 00:37:57

Also flowers for you. Remember the gut wrenching feeling every time I discovered evidence of what he'd been doing. Horrible feeling. X

WorraLiberty Wed 15-Feb-17 00:40:28

Do you instigate sex often and does he turn you down a lot?

BillyButtfuck Wed 15-Feb-17 00:45:04

I've had this in the past.
It made me extremely insecure and I made a decision that I couldn't be with someone who ignored me and my feelings/needs.
He would always say, but porns so easy and quick and emotionless. That always made it worse - it felt like he meant sex with me was effort and not worth the hassle.

You need to decide if you want to facilitate porn within your relationship and if not by all means talk to him but he has a right to choose so you can't tell him what he can or can't do but you can decide to leave.

Sugarlumps333 Wed 15-Feb-17 00:56:43

I think loads of men watch porn - and women. If it was me I wouldn't be upset if I came across it - I know my dp watches it. But I WOULD be upset if he was watching it and also not having sex with me, that seems like the real issue op. Talk to him or try to initiate sex and see how he reacts? flowers

bloobum Wed 15-Feb-17 14:13:08

Thanks all

I think it's more the watching every day while not having sex with me.

I definitely need to sit down and talk to him about it as it needs resolved.

TheNaze73 Wed 15-Feb-17 14:17:29

As Worra said, do you instigate & does he turn you down?

mummypeepee Wed 15-Feb-17 16:37:57

Yanbu this has wrecked my marriage to the point we split up for a while and I still don't trust him. It's hugely disrespectful and damaging. I hate hate hate porn and what it's done to my relationship and hate more that it's regarded as normal activity in today's society.

SanitysSake Wed 15-Feb-17 16:49:07

I'd be devastated. Big hugs coming your way x

SmileEachDay Wed 15-Feb-17 16:51:37

The porn industry is massively exploitative of (mainly) women. It also, in general, perpetuates a very particular view of what is "sexy" in women.

I would be hugely pissed off by this. It would entirely put me off having sex with him.

PurpleMinionMummy Wed 15-Feb-17 16:57:53

Yanbu. It's not normal to watch it every day. Speak to him.

Niloufes Wed 15-Feb-17 17:06:44

I'd quite like to have sex once a night, but my other half doesn't, so I watch a little porn to 'calm myself down' on the off nights. No biggy. I'm sure she knows but hasn't said anything because I keep trying to instigate with her. When they stop trying to instigate with you then you should be worried. But honestly if he's not even bothering to clear his history then he's either pretty clueless or is actually trying to tell you something...

RyanStartedTheFire Wed 15-Feb-17 17:07:34

YANBU. I'd be gutted. OH doesn't watch porn and neither do I, so it's not an everyone does it thing.

haveacupoftea Wed 15-Feb-17 18:13:56

It depends on how you see it and I think the majority of people probably do watch porn, women included. The problem for me would be that he's got lazy and using it as a quick fix.

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