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to think my neighbour is stalking me?

(47 Posts)
annazr Tue 14-Feb-17 15:50:25

I've wanted to post this for a while but my DH says I'm just being a bit paranoid so I put it off.

The woman who lives opposite me is about 55ish. She seemed like a lovely lady and we've known her since the day we moved into our home (2 and a half years ago). I'm quite a private person so I got a shock one day to she her and her granddaughter walking past one of my windows and then peeking in the open window of my bedroom! I obviously went to the door and asked her if she was ok and she said she thought I left my window open and went off.

Fast forward to now and there has been numerous incidences since. She calls over once a week unannounced, knock on all our doors and look in our windows until I answer (although I managed to cut this in the bud a while ago as I told her if the blind is shut in the living room, toddler is asleep). She makes me feel guilty when she comes in if I wasn't home during her last visit hmm and I'm just so confused by it. We have never discussed that she calls weekly but it seems she's came to this arrangement by herself.

I'm dreading summer as she calls even more frequently to tell me I should be bringing DS out walking in the nice weather, or to ask me why my washing isn't hanging on the line! I work part time at home and I'm quiet busy around then too. She knows this but I get a sense she feels the need to check up on me for some reason. I'm on maternity leave now and I'm feeling a bit tense as I'm waiting to find out if I'm having an elective section. I'm not long home from shopping and as I was parked up in my drive and bringing in a few bags, you can imagine the fright I got when I turn around and she's literally right behind me!! I'm probably being over emotional but the fright made me want to cry. I don't even understand how she made it over so fast.

I apologise for this being so long and probably not even making sense but I feel as if she's constantly watching me (her house is at the opposite side and overlooking mine). There's even more examples and I swear I'm not being paranoid but I just need to find away to give her the hint without telling her to pissoff! The things she says and does are really forward and overbearing but she says them in a nice way so I'm at a loss what to do!

pigsDOfly Tue 14-Feb-17 15:54:50

Wave, smile, 'sorry really busy at the moment' and close the door.

She's lonely and over invested in your life, but she not your responsibility. Would drive me up the wall.

MadMags Tue 14-Feb-17 15:56:57

Personally, I'd be quite rude. I would leave her standing at the door when she calls, say "sorry I'm busy" and close it.

poundinthewood Tue 14-Feb-17 16:09:40

She is not your problem and if being polite doesn't work then you will have to be more forceful and tell her not to call. That worked for me when I had a NDN who would bring her DC round for me to look after without arranging it first. confused

luckylucky24 Tue 14-Feb-17 16:15:00

Time to be blunt. "You seem to be hovering round here a lot, I would appreciate it if you could give me some space. If I need advice I will ask for it".

Splurgle Tue 14-Feb-17 16:18:08

When she snuck up on you i would have actually said "bloody hell you frightened the life out of me, were you waiting for me to get home or something?!" To make the (somewhat hammy) point that you're not comfortable with her suddenly appearing at your door.

She sounds either a little unstable or completely doesn't understand social cues, or people's boundaries.

Either way, not your problem. Keep your replies short and slightly terse so as not to engage in conversation.

BastardGoDarkly Tue 14-Feb-17 16:20:43

I don't think anyone would say that irl lucky would they?

Op I know you don't want to be be rude, but you're going to have to be a bit more dismissive if you want this to stop.

Just.... Can't stop, really busy... Every time.

SecondsLeft Tue 14-Feb-17 16:26:48

And 'do not look in my windows again, I am not OK with it.'

Sparkletastic Tue 14-Feb-17 16:27:12

Yes stop being so polite. 'I value my privacy and I'm finding your habit of dropping by uninvited to be intrusive'

ChasedByBees Tue 14-Feb-17 16:29:47

I would be that rude Lucky if hints and more softer, kinder versions didn't work. I would start with telling her gently but firmly she is calling around too much. If it continues, then you will need to be firmer.

wideboy26 Tue 14-Feb-17 16:31:51

We had a similar situation many years ago. We moved next door to a retired couple who had no children. They had been unable to have any, sadly for them. Imagine their delight then when a 30-ish couple move next door with a 6 month old baby. The husband was fine and didn't impose, delighted though he was with our little boy, but the wife would find any excuse to come out into the garden if we were out there. We got to the stage of not going out if she was around. The crunch point came one sunny afternoon when she appeared in our house unannounced with ice creams for us. We said to her how thoughtful it was of her to buy us all ice creams but that we were not used to people just walking into our house like that. Fortunately it did the trick, but we felt awful having to be firm with her. You may find that a simple statement along similar lines to your neighbour gets the message across.

annazr Tue 14-Feb-17 16:42:45

As much as I really don't want to, I think you lot are right. I'm going to have to basically say it to her!

I've already tried a few hints. I told her when I started my maternity leave that I wanted to spend some quality time with my DS and some time to myself. She picked this up completely the other way around and said that she would call over and do some cleaning and washing while a rested shock

I'm not from England and haven't lived here very long but there's something quite strange she's been doing (maybe it's normal here). She works 3 morning a week in a post office and on several occasions she's called by after work with my parcels and said that the delivery man couldn't find my house so dropped it to the PO and even once dropped by letters that the postman apparently forgot to drop in hmm DH says this is normal and to be grateful she's saved me the hassle! Surely this isn't aloud.

Pengweng Tue 14-Feb-17 16:48:10

Tell her to fuck off! And I would report her to the post office. Surely the postman knows where you live by now. She can not be bringing your post home with her. It's not allowed or I would get my neighbour to bring all mine home with him instead of trekking all the way to the collection office when I miss a parcel

Pengweng Tue 14-Feb-17 16:49:13

Oh and get a big sign for your door stating that baby is sleeping and to come back later and then never take it off.

wideboy26 Tue 14-Feb-17 16:52:52

That sounds really weird. Time to put your foot down. Your husband needs to weigh in too as this woman sounds slightly unhinged.

Bahh Tue 14-Feb-17 16:56:22

I think the intentions are good. She's lonely and trying to help. Does she have much family come to visit? Maybe have a word with them.

We used to have a neighbour like this when I was a kid. Lovely woman but very needy, would knock a lot and give us lists of groceries to buy etc. I remember hiding around corners so she couldn't see us through the windows.

In hindsight if my parents had had a pair between them they would have taken some of the advice given here and just told her to back off! You can be firm without being rude.

Montezumasrevenge Tue 14-Feb-17 17:03:19

I could not deal with that. I am a very solitary type of person and really value my privacy.
I have to admit that I might dispatch dh to deal with her though. I think I'd get him to say that I was getting overwhelmed by the attention/valued my privacy or similar and he felt he had to mention it to her because of the pregnancy etc. wink It's very sneaky and of course I could deal with it myself but as an avoider of dealing with people I have to admit I probably wouldn't in your shoes.

eddiemairswife Tue 14-Feb-17 17:16:34

Why would the Post Office be giving her your mail without your written consent? Does the postman not deliver in your road, or do you live in a very isolated area?

Cherrysoup Tue 14-Feb-17 17:55:38

Defo go to the post office and complain. I think you're going to have to woman up and tell her to stop calling round. It would drive me nuts.

poundinthewood Tue 14-Feb-17 18:04:17

This person is stealing your post and then giving it back to you - hopefully all of it. Doing that is totally abnormal and illegal so get that stopped as soon as you can.

HouseOfGoldandBones Tue 14-Feb-17 18:07:27

I think I'd wait until the next time she calls, answer the door with a big grin & say "yes?", but don't let her in. The ball is in her court then to either ask to come in "no, sorry, we're not really up for visitors just now" so she knows that's exactly how you view her , or ask if you're ok, in which case you answer "yes, fine thanks" and close the door.

WRT the post thing. The next time you see her, I would say that you're concerned that some post has gone missing, and due to your postman having a problem finding the address your intention was to call the Post Office direct & just see what the problem was, and could she give you the Posties name because you didn't think it was fair that she was being put in that position. I'm guessing if you "threaten" that, she'll never do it again.

If she ever just peers in the window, and you spot her, I would immediately pick up my phone, pretend I was talking into it & stare her out.

annazr Tue 14-Feb-17 20:02:49

Bahh yes I agree, her intentions are good but I think she might come from a different background than me or lives a different type of life. She has lots of family, her children are in their 20s and up but some still live with her.

eddiemairswife the postman knows where I live and I see him drive by my house every morning so I can't see why, unless he's in a rush or there's an emergency that he would give her the post! She says the delivery drivers (dhl and all them) know her very well and they know I'm her neighbour!

We don't live in an isolated area although we are far into the countryside. I do know that she is originally from the town and moved out to the country about 10 years ago. Maybe it's a town thing? I'm not sure if she does this to other neighbours but I wouldn't be surprised!

nopunintended11 Tue 14-Feb-17 20:59:51

My elderly neighbour was like this until about six months ago, when I was quite rude and put an end to things. He's not lonely by the way, as lives with an extended family, but just likes to think he is entitled to know everything. For instance if I went away on holidays, he would ask why I hadn't notified him or he would knock on the door and demand to come in about once every week.

One day he asked if we had had a good time at swimming?! after we had just come back from a session (hair was dry by the way). I asked him how he knew and he said that he knew everything we did/went, and why I didn't like him watching out for me!

I responded by saying, frankly no, I don't like sticky nose neighbours in my business and he hasn't turned up since.

ohtheholidays Tue 14-Feb-17 21:38:13

Your DH is very wrong it's not an English thing it's a nosey bastard thing!

Please report about your parcels and letters,what she's doing is illegal,she is not a Postwoman so shouldn't be delivering any of your letters or parcels,could you imagine if your had something private sent she'd know before you did what it was,she's not being kind she's overstepped the mark big time!

We had a neighbour like this in the end I told him to get lost and I don't regret it,a lovely neighbour of ours and she was a friend of mine took pity on him,he nearly cost her her marriage in the end,he'd sort they're rubbish and recycling,let himself in,invite himself round for dinner,try to dictate to her,her husband and her children they all ended up hating him,in the end they sold up and moved away without telling him they were going.

When he tried to slag my friend and her family of to me(whilst they were still living here and putting up with him)that's when I told him to sod off.
I told him he was a bloody horrible man and how dare he insult that family when all they'd ever done was be nice to him and put up with his crap,I said they're the only family left that had any time for him and yet he thought it was normal to slate them all the time, I told him I hope they come to they're senses and tell you to get lost.

He's left me alone since grin he talks about me to people I barely know(about me know being disabled and in a wheelchair)and the crap he comes out with(the other people tell me)like he knows me and about me and that we get on,luckily everyone else where we lives knows what he's like.

Booshbeesh Tue 14-Feb-17 21:47:29

I would say to her in a casual drop in the convo sort of way. "I cant waot until the baby is born iv ban all friends/neighbours/relatives from visiting for two weeks so i can spend somw time with my family, its really getting to me everyone popping round and calling ip and doing me favours im pregnant fgs not disabled" then laugh and say "il see u later neighbour i got chores to catch up on" wave and wonder off... dnt give her time to respond. Best case would be to say it when shes done u a "favour" and collected ur post or somethimg

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