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AIBU?

To withdraw my help / advice and leave him to it?

32 replies

Artline · 14/02/2017 14:27

I'm frustrated with my DB. He's nearly 40 and to be very honest has appeared never to be able to cut the apron strings.

He lived at home with DP's until about 2 years ago. Every GF he's had has run a mile as soon as they realise he's never going to commit etc. He's always had a good paying job (manual worker) and has always 'talked' about buying a place of his own but never has, preferring to spend his money on his hobbies and cars and himself. Always finding an excuse as to why its not the right time to buy.

2 years ago when my DM died he moved out to live with his GF - all very well but the situation there wasn't your run of the mill - she was unable to work due to illness, owned her own home and had two teenage children so wouldnt 'come off' benefits until he moved in properly, wanting him to 'keep' the househould etc. Instead he would hand over a couple of hundred pounds a month (nothing like he would pay if he had his own place) This, over the past two years has caused nothing but arguing between the two of them - his lack of commitment and his reluctance to step up and be the provider in the family. Ive spoken to him about it and told him he needs to either step up or get out 100's of times before the benefits people catch up with him.

So, things have now come to a head and she's kicked him out - not for the first time - he always goes back after a few weeks as she starts nagging him to go back and he realises he's onto a good thing and so the cycle repeats itself. He's had to go back and live with my father at the moment but he's not really welcome there as my father now has a new partner.

This time I was hoping he'd cut free (lots of other EA stuff goes on between them but they seem to enable one another - she likes the company and money for a few weeks then the rows start up again) and he could get a place of his own once and for all. First few days he was keen, firstly to rent, then all the excuses started about why he didn't want to rent, ok so I said go and see about a mortgage (he has savings for a deposit) and now the excuses have started again. How it was SO difficult for him, that its hard as hes been used to having everything done for him, food, washing etc and how difficult it is to be living out of bags in my fathers. He says Its all up in the air at the moment etc - just buying himself time not to have to make a decision.

Ok, RENT I say - nice and quick, you can get in a place quite soon, it'll help you get used to the idea of being on your own - no thats not happening, its a waste of money. Dither, dither, dither. Not making any moves to go and get a mortgage in principle either, just laying on his bed in my fathers and refusing to actually make a move on anything.

I have actually suspected he's biding his time to see if the GF will take him back again, part of me thinks he's just selfish and unwilling to take responsibility on the other hand I'm beginning to wonder if he's suffering from some kind of anxiety - he's always been the same has never been able to cope with sorting anything out himself running either to me or my father for everything.

My patience is wearing thin now though, its time he stood on his own too feet - do I need to step back and let him get on with it - I suspect he wants that as then he can take the easy option and go back to her (which I think would be a mistake) or should I keep trying to get him to see sense and bite the bullet and sort himself out once and for all.

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228agreenend · 14/02/2017 14:34

He is a grown man. I think you need to let him get on with it and let him live his life. If it's a mistake to go back to gf, then it's his mistake to make. You've tried to help, bit he is not listening. Cut the brother-apron strings,,and let him get on with it,