To withdraw my help / advice and leave him to it?(33 Posts)
I'm frustrated with my DB. He's nearly 40 and to be very honest has appeared never to be able to cut the apron strings.
He lived at home with DP's until about 2 years ago. Every GF he's had has run a mile as soon as they realise he's never going to commit etc. He's always had a good paying job (manual worker) and has always 'talked' about buying a place of his own but never has, preferring to spend his money on his hobbies and cars and himself. Always finding an excuse as to why its not the right time to buy.
2 years ago when my DM died he moved out to live with his GF - all very well but the situation there wasn't your run of the mill - she was unable to work due to illness, owned her own home and had two teenage children so wouldnt 'come off' benefits until he moved in properly, wanting him to 'keep' the househould etc. Instead he would hand over a couple of hundred pounds a month (nothing like he would pay if he had his own place) This, over the past two years has caused nothing but arguing between the two of them - his lack of commitment and his reluctance to step up and be the provider in the family. Ive spoken to him about it and told him he needs to either step up or get out 100's of times before the benefits people catch up with him.
So, things have now come to a head and she's kicked him out - not for the first time - he always goes back after a few weeks as she starts nagging him to go back and he realises he's onto a good thing and so the cycle repeats itself. He's had to go back and live with my father at the moment but he's not really welcome there as my father now has a new partner.
This time I was hoping he'd cut free (lots of other EA stuff goes on between them but they seem to enable one another - she likes the company and money for a few weeks then the rows start up again) and he could get a place of his own once and for all. First few days he was keen, firstly to rent, then all the excuses started about why he didn't want to rent, ok so I said go and see about a mortgage (he has savings for a deposit) and now the excuses have started again. How it was SO difficult for him, that its hard as hes been used to having everything done for him, food, washing etc and how difficult it is to be living out of bags in my fathers. He says Its all up in the air at the moment etc - just buying himself time not to have to make a decision.
Ok, RENT I say - nice and quick, you can get in a place quite soon, it'll help you get used to the idea of being on your own - no thats not happening, its a waste of money. Dither, dither, dither. Not making any moves to go and get a mortgage in principle either, just laying on his bed in my fathers and refusing to actually make a move on anything.
I have actually suspected he's biding his time to see if the GF will take him back again, part of me thinks he's just selfish and unwilling to take responsibility on the other hand I'm beginning to wonder if he's suffering from some kind of anxiety - he's always been the same has never been able to cope with sorting anything out himself running either to me or my father for everything.
My patience is wearing thin now though, its time he stood on his own too feet - do I need to step back and let him get on with it - I suspect he wants that as then he can take the easy option and go back to her (which I think would be a mistake) or should I keep trying to get him to see sense and bite the bullet and sort himself out once and for all.
He is a grown man. I think you need to let him get on with it and let him live his life. If it's a mistake to go back to gf, then it's his mistake to make. You've tried to help, bit he is not listening. Cut the brother-apron strings,,and let him get on with it,
Yes, its the way I'm thinking. I think this is half his trouble, we (parents and myself) have all pandered to him over the years, he has only had to go to work - everything else was done for him - when he lived with my parents and when he went to live with this GF. He's never had to lift a finger or pay his way fully.
The difference is I know the relationship between him and the GF will never be happy. I just want him to see that it's ok to be on your own. I'm not sure whether I want to give him a swift kick up the bum or yet again try and walk him through this latest issue. yet, as my husband reminds me every piece of advice my DB has come to me for over the years he's never taken anyway. I'm just waiting for him to to creeping back to her now the reality has hit that he's finally got to stand on his own two feet. I feel sad for him to be honest.
Yea, that's how it goes, they come to you moaning, complaining, (everything is everyone else's fault and not theirs) and you try try try to help.
Bottom line is you can't.
As 228 says above 'let him get on with it'.
Detach, detach, detach.
Make sympathetic noises when he complains about his life. Aww, that's a shame, too bad, never mind. But do not get drawn in. As it will just wear you down.
Only he can fix it. And even than only when he decides to, not when anyone else 'helps'. Detach. (also don't take on your DF's probs, it's his son let him sort it).
family spent decades trying to fix my DB, once DM passed away realised it is never going to happen so detached
So where does he live when she kicks him out?
I know, this is the result of treating him like a little boy all his life. I'm just as guilty of doing it too. Step back, step back...
When he gets kicked out he goes back to parents. That was all fine until DM passed away - father moved another woman in within months (a whole other thread) so suddenly its not quite so easy for him to go home and stay home now. He's uncomfortable there and rightly so really. He's 40, quite old enough to be buying his won place!
I think his GF would be mad to let him come back. He needs his own place. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms. That would drive me bonkers. He needs to think about his own security long term.
I agree with all of this. I'm starting to get a bit concerned that he's not just being an arse (he's a gentle, quiet man) rather than its some sort of anxiety disorder.
He sounds similar to my db, op. It's hard but you have to detach.
Definitely leave him to it, give advice if you are asked for it, otherwise make no comment at all.
He is an adult.
I know, this is the result of treating him like a little boy all his life
Well, I don't know, imv it's a bit of both. Some men are just lazy and useless (apart from the job they manage to hold down).
Don't go blaming yourself as then you will feel you have to fix it. He is an adult it is up to him.
Why are you doing this to yourself OP, he's a grown man - the only issue is, he isn't doing what YOU want him to do, with HIS life
You need to take a massive step backwards, as this over obsessing about your brothers life is not normal.
He isn't going to suddenly change at nearly 40 years of age, and the way you are going, it'll only cause resentment because each in your own way are ruining each others life. You for moaning at him and him for causing you so much anxiety
You need to accept the things you cannot change, and you cannot change another human being. Stop trying
It does sound as if it's a case of not being able to organise himself because he's always been able to fall back on you and your parents to do it for him. In many respects one of the best things to have happened is your father finding a new partner so that it is no longer so easy for him to stay there. I'd suggest one last kick up the backside to sort things out for himself, after which you leave him to get on with it - maybe also encouraging your father to chuck him out of the nest as well.
so suddenly its not quite so easy for him to go home and stay home now
This is the key..
He is old enough to sort himself out IF he wants to...I get you. I get so frustrated with my Dsis decisions..However I have had to learn.It is her life and she has to find her own way. Do I think if she did what I thought she should she would be soooo much happier..Obviously but I can't make her do anything because she is an adult. I can only advise if she asks. If she complains again about the same thing . I say well you know what I think and move on.
He may go back to this woman but they sound like the deserve each other quite frankly.
So really you're going to fill the gap your DM left, aren't you?.
If you're not careful you will end up living with him.
Ooh what a catch he sounds! I think his GF is likely well rid of him - I bet he does loads to help round the house, cooks, cleans, organises and so on.
Oh god no, I have my own family. My DH is sick of hearing about it and can't understand why I don't just detach and let him get on with it. I feel like a mother hen over him, always have done as we didn't have the easiest upbringing. It has to stop now though.
I'd step back and anytime he vents to you ask him 'What are you going to do to change that?'. Giving him advice is a waste of time, he won't take it. He clearly doesn't respect or value your opinion he just wants someone to complain and vent at.
If you carry on like this he'll be trying to move in with you.
Yeah but think about it, one day the safety net of dad won't be there & the natural progression is to move onto you, the one who's been "lucky" and has a Dh (who sounds like he has heard all this before) to help with bills etc while he is all aloooooone.
He should be flipping loaded if he has no kids & no mortgage to pay.
I have a similar situation in our family, we stay right out of it.
Honestly OP there is nothing to be gained for you out of this situation other than to drive a wedge between you and your OH
You know what it is really easy to say 'just detatch' and in these instances we know what we should do, but emotions are difficult.
I just seriously think he wont change, at his age, he IS the man he was going to become. I really feel for you, cos you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't - however the best thing you can do is to look after number one
He's earning so able to get his own place. If he and the gf cut live together and they're always rowing, surely the simple solution is to get his own place?
I would, however, leave well alone, he's a grown up and should be coping on his own.
Keep away. Your father is the one who may have the power to move things along by issuing a date by which he needs to leave. Whether he wants to or feels able is another matter. I can't imagine his new partner is too thrilled.
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