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Aibu to think dh should be more supportive of my career - wwyd

(26 Posts)
excusemeitrumped Tue 14-Feb-17 12:31:02

So DH and I used to have similar jobs. He has changed career paths a few times but still considers himself an expert in his original field. A few years ago I'd gotten stuck in my job - relentless shifts, constantly covering sickness and no clear way out/path to progression, so I took a sideways step and applied for a job that could be considered within his expertise. DH saw it was a prestigious job and was really supportive of me applying though he pointed out (and I knew) I'd need someone to help me prepare for the interview as even though I know my stuff I'm really bad at showing I do, if that makes sense. He was enthusiastic about it but every time he could have helped there was always an excuse not to, and I ended up prepping alone. I knew it would be difficult and unsurprisingly I didn't get the job. DH seemed upset for me at the time but was quick to tell me 'maybe it wasn't right for me' and it was for the best. I forgot about the career move for a few years and life happened in between (bereavements, children etc).

Last year I saw a similar job advertised, so again I went for it. Again DH told me I'd need his help, never got around to it. This time though I was more prepared and was successful. DHs congratulated me but kept saying things like 'well it's not as prestigious as the other job', 'it won't look good on your cv.' and 'how will you explain your career gaps - no one will employ you after this.' A few months in now and he still says these things, even suggested I go back to my old job as it 'suited me better'. I don't think I've made a poor choice, if the job goes well it's probably a good career move and I could potentially be more 'expert' than him in this field. I do appreciate that it's not without risk and hard work though. The problem is coming home to his conatant negativity about it is chipping away at my confidence, and making me doubt myself.

While he may have a point, aibu to think he should be more supportive? Wwyd?

AyeAmarok Tue 14-Feb-17 12:35:25

I'd tell him to stop doing me down all the time, and ask him why he needs to put me down to make himself feel better, and to stop making his feelings on insecurity or inadequacy my issue.


Penfold007 Tue 14-Feb-17 12:36:08

Sounds like he's trying to sabotage your career. Maybe he is jealous?

AyeAmarok Tue 14-Feb-17 12:36:32

And well done getting the job, especially doing it on your own steam and without The Amazing Man's help smile

Allthebestnamesareused Tue 14-Feb-17 12:48:12

Ignore him. Don't let him question your ability. Do your job well and shine!

Most women have careers gaps because they have maternity breaks - it is quite normal. He seems to be trying to put you down rather than build you up.

I suspect he is insecure and worried that when you are back out there you'll realise you may not actually need him.

If you love him and it is otherwise a good relationship let him know that won't be the case. If he is otherwise a complete twat that you may want to ditch then let him stew!

GloriousGoosebumps Tue 14-Feb-17 12:52:58


It sounds as though he wants you to do well but not too well, hence his offering to help you prepare for interviews but not actually doing so.The bottom line is that you've now outperformed his expectations of you and he's jealous but that's his problem not yours. How you respond comes down to your personality. I'd either keep a very vocal count of the number of negative comments he makes ie that't the 3rd time this week... or I'd respond to each negative comment by saying how much your boss praises your work. He might stop the negative comments just to get away from having to listen to how much your boss loves you and your work! Have you challenged his negative comments in anyway?

FlyWaxSleepRepeat Tue 14-Feb-17 12:55:50

I would have to ask him outright "are you aware of how negative you are about me and my job? Some of your comments and observations are quite nasty and they make you sound jealous. What's the problem here?" and see what he says.

ImperialBlether Tue 14-Feb-17 13:21:25

He's jealous.

He's realised he's messed around in different fields and if he'd stayed in the same field he'd be higher up.

He's trying to make sure you don't do well, so that he will, for always and forever, be the expert in that field.

What's he like in other ways? He really doesn't have your back here, does he?

TiredMumToTwo Tue 14-Feb-17 13:25:35

He's jealous / insecure. Do your best at your job and ignore him - he can choose to be supportive or not and you can choose whether to pay his comments any attention.

hellsbells99 Tue 14-Feb-17 13:28:20

Just tell him to STFU!
And well done on getting the job flowers

Chloe84 Tue 14-Feb-17 13:54:37

I would want to know why he wants to bring me down. He sounds insecure and selfish. What are his good points?

stitchglitched Tue 14-Feb-17 13:57:14

He's jealous because you are now going to surpass him in the field where he sees himself as expert. He needs to grow up.

Topseyt Tue 14-Feb-17 14:07:46

Congratulations, and I am sure you will be fine in your new role

Tell DH bluntly to stop undermining you, and if he can't say something supportive or nice then to STFU and say nothing at all.

My guess is that he has some lingering regret at leaving that field of work and is jealous that you now have the chance to outstrip his expertise in it. So he feels threatened and he is reacting twattishly to that.

Call him out on it and be firm.

excusemeitrumped Tue 14-Feb-17 19:16:37

I can't believe it! My boss asked to see me this afternoon - apparently I've had too many un-authorised absences and I have to go to a special (?disciplinary) meeting to discuss it further. Afaik, I've kept my boss informed of every single absence - prearranged study days/courses and reasonable requests for time off for DC illness. There must be some mistake! (DH wasn't especially supportive there either and I had to take most of the time off with youngest DCs chicken pox but it was only 5 days till they could go back to nursery - I did some work from home and evencame in on my day off!).
I'm so upset - I work so hard to juggle everything, this is not the start I had hoped for. Perhaps DH is right and this IS more than I can handle.

Fishface77 Tue 14-Feb-17 19:58:39

No he's not right op!
I suggest you get your "defence" in order and make sure you know what each day you have had of is accounted for.
I would also advise "d"h to pull up his socks and he will have to do his fair share around the house and with the DC.
Your other half sounds like a bit of an undermining knob.
He wants you to do well but not as well as him.

Batteriesallgone Tue 14-Feb-17 20:02:08

He's worried your going to get promoted above him / be paid more in a few years.

He can probably see you are really good, and instead of building you up is jealous and trying to keep you in your place.

I hope I'm wrong but that is how it sounds. sad

foxyloxy78 Tue 14-Feb-17 20:08:06

He is not right. Don't let anyone put you down. The absences must be a mistake but you go in there with your held high and a clear justification of each day you took and confirmation if you have it. When you requested the leave did you send an email and did you get an approval back? Or was it verbal?

tiredofhavingtothinkofnewnames Tue 14-Feb-17 20:09:14

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Topseyt Tue 14-Feb-17 20:27:23

Sorry to read your latest update.

Write down each absence and the reason for it. Have your defence all thought out and written down.

You have to also make clear to your DH that the children are your joint responsibility, he must do more to support you and should be willing to also take turns to be at home when they are ill and off school.

He is NOT right. This job is not too much for you.

excusemeitrumped Tue 14-Feb-17 21:04:47

Yes, study days were ok'd by email. Sickness was only text though as was busy with the DCs.
I know I've done nothing wrong but can't help doubting myself sad

Well, I didn't believe it when I saw the email so, as unkind as your post is, I don't blame you for thinking that.

Lovewineandchocs Tue 14-Feb-17 21:07:56

Sickness was only text though as was busy with the DCs

Do you have the texts and the replies saved? Absence was still authorised even if by text. And no, your DH is NOT right!

ChicRock Tue 14-Feb-17 22:25:42

Your DH sounds like an unsupportive arse, but you've only worked there a few months and you've already taken 5 days off for sick children and you only notified work by text?

That wouldn't fly in my place and yes, you'd be looking at a warning under the management of attendance policy.

OhWotIsItThisTime Wed 15-Feb-17 08:24:33

Read the company's absence policy. You'll find something about having a meeting if you take a certain amount of days off. It may also say you have to ring in. And it will say what the meeting outcome may be (likely to set you attendance targets).

Get your ducks in a row. So were you made aware of the policy? Were you told a text was unacceptable, etc. Join the union, too.

HermioneJeanGranger Wed 15-Feb-17 08:42:12

I'm surprised management didn't insist on you ringing in - a text wouldn't be accepted as notification of absence in any job I've ever had.

Why isn't your husband sharing sick days, though?

DJKKSlider Wed 15-Feb-17 08:50:53

And you're with this unsupportive, unhelpful, jealous man child because?

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