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To not want Valentine's Day to define my relationship?

(21 Posts)
Doodiidoo Tue 14-Feb-17 00:36:37

I've been seeing someone for three months. Currently on holiday with my parents for DM's birthday.

Man I'm seeing has recently come out of messy divorce. We're taking things slow. Which suits both of us.

My DM keeps dropping hints that if new man doesn't do something "special" for Valentine's Day then I should drop him.

AIBU to think that I don't give a fig about Valentine's Day, and that I want to dance to my own tune? I.e., if and when we do anything romantic and special it'll be because WE want to, not because it's a generic "romantic" day?

Doodiidoo Tue 14-Feb-17 00:37:17

I should add new man isn't with us on holiday.

BonnyScotland Tue 14-Feb-17 00:38:31

Valentine's Day is hardly the basis on which to judge your 'very new' relationship...

Enjoy your relationship as is....

Doodiidoo Tue 14-Feb-17 00:46:22

Thanks BonnyScotland

She's driving me mad! But maybe it's just cabin fever. It's the first holiday we've been on as a family for over 20 years.

Argh! I'm derailing my own thread!

LineysRun Tue 14-Feb-17 00:49:53

Why does she want you to drop him?

I mean she knows, right, that there won't be any grand gestures, so she's setting you up to absorb her supposed disappointment and disapproval. Maybe.

Doodiidoo Tue 14-Feb-17 00:51:36

Good question Lineysrun!

She loved my ex. And I think, is secretly hoping that we'll get back together.

She hasn't even met new man yet!

altiara Tue 14-Feb-17 00:51:57


ScarlettFreestone Tue 14-Feb-17 00:53:40

You are an adult yes?

Your relationship isn't her business.

I agree with you by the way. Substance over style every time.

There are quite a few women on MN who are sadly in miserable relationships with abusive men who occasionally "treat them like a princess".

A card is nice but there are other things more important that expensive flowers and chocolate. (Not that getting them is a bad thing!)

gluteustothemaximus Tue 14-Feb-17 00:57:02

I don't want a man who feels he has to be romantic on a certain day.

I want a man to be romantic whenever the mood takes, on any day.

Enjoy your new relationship! YANBU

Doodiidoo Tue 14-Feb-17 01:02:13

Well, I'm 40 so yes, safely an adult! grin

TBH I don't even care about getting a card. I haven't got him one. Not because I don't like him a lot because I really do. But just because it feels like too much pressure in this particular relationship.

FWIW I've been in relationships in the past where I've been "treated like a princess" on Valentine's Day, birthdays Christmas etc and vice versa. And at the end of the day it meant nadda.

This new relationship feels different. We don't "do" public holidays. Didn't even exchange Christmas gifts (it had only been a few weeks) but have had dates that have been more romantic than anything I've ever experienced before.

Who made the rules that observing "public" dates
mean more than spontaneous declarations?
My dm apparently!

Doodiidoo Tue 14-Feb-17 01:04:20

Exactly gluteustithemaximus! Whenever the mood takes is much better!

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar Tue 14-Feb-17 01:08:15

Talk to him about it. Communicating will make life a lot easier for both of you. He may be relieved when you tell him not to make a fuss smile

Doodiidoo Tue 14-Feb-17 01:26:23

He knows how I feel I think. I don't want the big white wedding (been there, done that), grand gestures or fancy diamonds and mansion. Just a partner who's there when the chips are down, holds my hair back when I've come down with food poisoning and loves me morning breath and all grin

It's my bloody mother who's making me feel like there's something wrong!

Only four more days to go on this god awful "holiday"!

disclaimer I do love her really. But remind me never to go on holiday with just her and dsf again!

user1477282676 Tue 14-Feb-17 01:41:48

I don't feel that my DH NEEDS to do anything on Valentine's day at all. He sometimes (quite rarely) buys me flowers or chocolates just because he thinks of it...buying some card with a heart on because the media tells him to isn't our style.

I don't think YABU at all.

PhoenixJasmine Tue 14-Feb-17 01:51:44

YANBU to politely ask your Mum to butt out - your relationship, your rules.

However - why would a little "happy Valentine's Day" card be too much pressure? Pressure in what way? I completely agree about not feeling forced to 'celebrate' a commercial
Holiday etc - but that's the only thing that stands out as any kind of flag to me in what you posted. If after dating someone for 3 months, you feel comfortable enough talking about what kind of future you might want together etc, why would a simple silly little card be too much pressure.

Doodiidoo Tue 14-Feb-17 01:54:21

Hi PhoenixJasmine I suppose it's because it feels a bit forced. We haven't said I love you yet.

Doodiidoo Tue 14-Feb-17 12:25:27

Now only three more days to go...

SpookyPotato Tue 14-Feb-17 12:43:29

You sound like you have your head screwed on- a nice tonic to all the gutted valentines threads that have/will appear on here today... Ignore your mum, what happens on valentines doesn't have a bit to do with the success of a relationship. As long as you are happy and feel loved most of the time then it's all good. I've had friends who are shocked we don't do anything and have made comments, but we're the only ones still together after ten years.

Doodiidoo Tue 14-Feb-17 14:05:44

Thanks SpookyPotato
In my last relationship, he did the dozen red roses, fancy dinner, jewellery etc.

Frankly I would have done without all of that and had a DH who loved me warts and all instead of a selfish albeit charming prick who thought a grand gesture made up for ignoring me the rest of the time.

StrawberryShortcake32 Tue 14-Feb-17 14:42:25

Make March 14th your own special valentines day. (Official steak and blow job day) You both get a lovely day to appreciate each other and all the valentines day stuff goes into the sale.
Make sure he cooks the steak! grin

Doodiidoo Wed 15-Feb-17 01:01:00

Haha spooky I see what you mean!

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