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Asking men to sign a consent form before sex - WIBU (slight TMI I suppose)

(157 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

MagentaHalfMoon Mon 13-Feb-17 13:24:59

I have recently have some bad experiences with men during sex in terms of consent. One would keep on doing things I explicitly said I did not like (choking, biting etc), and another would hold me down and have sex with me without a condom, even if I begged him to put a condom on. This has completely thrown me off casual sex. But lately I have wanted to try again. Would I be unreasonable to have them sign a form saying something like:

"I agree to the following statements:

-(Various ways of saying No means No, such as "I don't like that means No", "I am not sure I want you do that means No")

-Penetrative sex will always be with a condom. No "teasing", pulling out or anything of the like.

-No choking or biting unless agreed upon

Signed: _____________"


Motherofhowmany Mon 13-Feb-17 13:28:33

I'm sorry op those experiences sound awful and I don't want to read and run. You were raped. flowers

Whitney168 Mon 13-Feb-17 13:28:35

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

piefacerecords Mon 13-Feb-17 13:29:16

Oh my goodness - to me that doesn't sound 'bad experiences' - it sounds like rape sad

I don't really know what to say to you tbh - I hope somebody with more experience than me will be able to give you some words of wisdom. But I think you are way off the mark with the 'consent form'. Do you think signing that would have stopped those men doing the things you described? I don't think so.

A decent man will not want to, or dream of in a million years, do anything to you against your will. You don't need consent forms, you just need to be much, much more careful about the people you are having casual sex with. But how you can do that, I don't know.

Trifleorbust Mon 13-Feb-17 13:30:47

Oh dear, OP. It's a tempting idea, but it only makes sense if you believe these men are likely to honour such a contract. Why would they? They have no respect for your consent.

SmileEachDay Mon 13-Feb-17 13:30:56

whitney sex being casual does not mean the rules around consent are any different.

MattBerrysHair Mon 13-Feb-17 13:31:23

Crikey that's bad! I'm sure having unprotected sex with someone who has explicitly expressed 'only with a condom' is legally rape sad

MagentaHalfMoon Mon 13-Feb-17 13:31:26

Whitney Sorry my life is depressing. Right not avoiding sex with strangers is the reality, but I have needs, and as I travel a lot right now, I can't really commit to being in a relationship, before having sex.

piefacerecords Mon 13-Feb-17 13:33:03

Magenta how are you meeting these people monsters ?

Whitney168 Mon 13-Feb-17 13:33:03

whitney sex being casual does not mean the rules around consent are any different

Obviously not, but it certainly makes life a darn sight riskier. Do people want to be 'in the right' or do they want to be safe?

SmileEachDay Mon 13-Feb-17 13:33:50

Maybe just give them this OP?

OneWithTheForce Mon 13-Feb-17 13:34:52

If you consider a consent form necessary then the men you are choosing to sleep with aren't men who will respect a consent form. Because your own verbal consent is the exact same thing. Your verbal consent is the consent form. If they ignore that, they'll ignore a written one too. And anyone you don't trust enough to respect your verbal consent- means you can't trust them at all so don't have sex with them.

MagentaHalfMoon Mon 13-Feb-17 13:35:49

Pieface On tinder. Or i used to. Haven't met anyone in a while.

MatildaTheCat Mon 13-Feb-17 13:36:10

How about having a conversation by text or email in which you explicitly say that you won't ever have sex without a condom and will only engage in acts which are non violent and mutually agreed? Having said that you don't need a consent form to prevent rape. You met rapists and abusers. Maybe review the way in which you are meeting people.

It's fine to have needs but it seems as if you've been in real danger and need to be safe. Can I ask how you met the men you spmention in your OP?

OnionKnight Mon 13-Feb-17 13:37:01

You were raped.

You need to be more careful with the men that you sleep with, I think avoiding sex until you get to know them might be a good idea.

I don't mean for that ^ to sound harsh but a consent form wouldn't change anything if the man is a scumbag.

piefacerecords Mon 13-Feb-17 13:37:49

Then I would keep away from Tinder. Obviously Tinder is well known for being a 'hook up for a shag' kind of thing, and I suppose that leaves you more at risk from - well - rapists basically I suppose (no point in dressing up what they are).

lottieandmia Mon 13-Feb-17 13:38:36

I've had similar problems. I had one in particular who pressured me to do things I didn't want to or like. Or, which hurt or were no pleasure for me.

Some men seem to think that if you agree to have casual sex then it means they can expect you to act like a sex toy.

Maudlinmaud Mon 13-Feb-17 13:39:28

Casual sex is casual sex.
What you descibe is rape.

lottieandmia Mon 13-Feb-17 13:39:35

This is also one of the reasons why I avoid causal sex now. Porn is to blame too. People watch films and they expect their partners to do what they see in the films.

TheNaze73 Mon 13-Feb-17 13:39:47

What you have been through is horrendous. A don't think a consent form, will make any difference though.

isthismylifenow Mon 13-Feb-17 13:40:33

Gosh OP, sorry you went through that multiple times.

Just think that if things are going well on a date, and you present a contract for him to sign, I forsee it getting a bit awkward somehow.

I don't know what to suggest really though I am sorry. But no means no.

MagentaHalfMoon Mon 13-Feb-17 13:41:25

Is a consent form/contract legally binding? Would it have more power if I reported a rape after having signed it?

lottieandmia Mon 13-Feb-17 13:42:29

I think if you have to ask someone to sign a form to say they won't abuse you, you probably shouldn't have sex with them. You need a level of trust.

piefacerecords Mon 13-Feb-17 13:42:41

I can't help thinking life was so much easier years ago when 'casual sex' meant chatting to someone in a bar then having sex at the end of the night - then maybe or maybe not seeing them again.

At least that way you had the entire evening to see if they seemed 'safe'. I also can't help thinking that explicitly advertising for 'casual sex' reads to some men as somebody they can treat with absolutely no respect (absolutely wrongly, obviously).

lottieandmia Mon 13-Feb-17 13:42:51

And that has to be earned by them beforehand.

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