To be fuming at DH not doing chores while I'm in hospital?

[WanderingStar1]

Have been in nearly a week with unexplained chest pains. DH had to take a few hours off work on wed to do the school run and then do one packed lunch Thurs then take the children swimming. He has now taken three days off this week (works mon to wed then 'farms' in between) as it's half term. He has done a few loads in the dishwasher and bathed the children last night. He fed them junk a few evenings and took them to 89 yr old MIL for a couple of proper meals.
Today I heard I will be here at least a couple more days so rang to ask him to do a load of washing - not least to get the swim stuff ready for next Thurs. He said he had dried that all out though hadn't rinsed it, and it was fine. He said they don't need to do any washing as haven't made anything dirty. When I suggested clean pj's he said there are plenty so old ones can just go in the washbin. I also asked if he could clean the loos and blip the hoover round but he just said 'that can wait, it won't hurt for one week.
He then rang back and said if I was so desperate I could tell his mum what I want washed and he'll take it to her and she'll Tumble dry it and it will all be done. I was furious at it would take twice as long to explain twice, and I just thought he could get one load of undies and towels etc done just to save total chaos when I get back. He won't listen when I say it's a 2 minute job and anyway the kids can work the machine, I'm stuck here and totally fed up and he's just happy for it all to pile up till I get back!! I do normally do all the house stuff while he does the 'mans' jobs, but he does nothing in the evenings this time of year plus he goes out two nights a week and most Sundays so he isn't exactly hard done by. Aibu???

[TheFullMrexit]

Hi Op, yes its bloody stupid but this is the man you married.

Fancy going to an 89 year old to do his own work

The loveliest thing my DH had done when I came back out of hospital was change our bed sheets, After a week of hospital it was luxury to get into beautifully clean sheets. However in the process of changing the bed linen, he had managed to mis place the dirty set.
It was found a full six months later shoved - dirty into a cupboard we never use

Lower your expectations op.

[Trifleorbust]

When he says 'that can wait' what does he mean? When does he intend to do it?

[thecatsarecrazy]

I know its hard. I'm in hospital with my
Ds and my husband is useless at home so I'm trying not to think about it. Concentrate on getting well op

[emsler]

No, YANBU. I couldn't stand it if my DH was that pathetic. You're in hospital - he should be doing these things without you even having to ask. Also two nights a week and weekend day out when you have 2+ children? He's more than "not hard done by", he's unbelievably lucky! You're a saint imho!

[MrsJayy]

Urgh what he means it can wait till you come home what a twat im so sorry you are married to a lazy selfish man and it took till you are ill to realise this.

[DrivingMeBonkers]

When my DH was in the hospital with a heart attack, the last thing either of us worried about was the hoovering. TBH, if he'd told me to start skivvying, I'd have told him to get to the far side and them some. I had more than enough on my plate worrying about him, visiting, dealing with school runs, children and my own job.

[DevelopingDetritus]

Must be so frustrating OP, bloody ridiculous but you must put this out of your mind and concentrate on yourself.

[Kiroro]

So it is too difficult for him, but a piece of piss for his 89 year old mother or your children?

Stay calm. Outright ask him "Darling, by 'it can wait' - do you mean that it can waif for you to do it once I am home, or do you mean that I will need to do it once I am back home? Be case if it is such a little task that your sick wife can do it, then I would appreciate it if you id it now so the house is calm to come home to. If the task is too big and troublesome for you to do now... well... do you really think I should be doing it?"

[May09Bump]

Concentrate on getting well - then when your home, get a list together and direct him on what to catch up on chore wise. Don't lift a finger except to point at stuff.

[Trifleorbust]

Tell him directly: you are ill and in hospital. He needs to stop delaying things that need to be done and it is a real unfairness for him to palm off work on his elderly mum. He is going to have to work a bit harder for a bit.

[TheTantrumCometh]

So he's expecting you to do it when you get home. What a useless waste of space he is

[MrsJayy]

I agreewith a pp you are in hospital with chest pains stop asking him wait til you get home if you go on at him piles of washing are going to land at a nearly 90yr old womans door.

[EweAreHere]

So you're in the hospital with chest pains, and he's saving most of the household chores so you can have twice as much to do when you get home?!?!

Is he trying to kill you?

I'd seriously consider the state of my marriage if my DH pulled something like this.

[Celticlassie]

That's ridiculous. Worry or not, there are things that have to be done in order to keep a household ticking over. Some things can wait (I wouldn't expect him to be washing windows, e.g.) but some things can't.
And I echo pps in asking who is going to be doing the jobs that he hasn't? Does he want you to start picking up the slack as soon as you come out of hospital?

[MaisyPops]

What a joke! Youre in hospital and his attempt at running a home is to leave it to you when you get out or get his mother to do it?

He sounds like an overgrown child.

[MrsEricBana]

I agree with you OP, it's not okay. I agree it can wait for now but NOT it can wait for you to be home to do it. I think get well, don't stress about home life now as long as kids are safe and being fed and watered, and when you get home don't rush to do anything. My dh is the same. He will never change. If I say anything it is simply my expectations that are too high apparently. It has led to enormous resentment from my side and I don't want that to happen to you so just leave them be for now.

[DameDeDoubtance]

This can't be a surprise to you, I imagine he has been getting away with it for years. Get better and forget about the house, it won't fall apart. When you ar home and well stop putting up with this shit, tell him that he either pulls his weight or moves back to his mothers.

[WanderingStar1]

Hmm mixed thoughts then. Perhaps i am being picky but have nothing to do and its soooo frustrating! I'm hoping I'm not ill but won't know till they do the tests. Its either just a virus, or I do have a problem and will need stents . I assume he thinks I will be fine hence why he's happy to leave it for me, but he also thinks he's fantastic for what he is doing which is making my blood boil...! And MIL is just as bad as she doesn't think her darling boy should ever have to do woman's work!!!

[Batteriesallgone]

Exactly what Kiroro said. When you get home you will likely still be ill. And he's piling up the jobs for you to do?! That's not the actions of a caring man.

Of course the skirting boards can wait but clean clothes can't and he should know enough about the running of a house to know what needs to be done.

[fairraid]

'that can wait, it won't hurt for one week' = It will next get done when you are well enough I'd be annoyed.

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

What an utter arsehole he sounds.

What can OP lower her standards from? He doesn't have the brainpower to throw a wash on or make his kids a meal without instruction, so does nothing. You can't lower expectations lower than nothing

He's a complete dick but I fear it's too late to change him now. He clearly thinks his time is more important that you, in any way. He doesn't do it while you're well and won't do it when you're not.

[MrsJayy]

Surely you knew he was this idle though or did you just not notice? A strong word needs to be had he is looking after his children no bloody medal needed tell him to get a frigging grip.

[gillybeanz]

Why did you marry him it can't be a surprise he's a lazy get, they don't usually hide it well.
I hope you are better soon

[SteppingOnToes]

You are in hospital after a suspected heart attack and people are suggesting you are being unreasonable not wanting twice as much work when you get home?? FFS you are NOT being unreasonable! It's people like this that create these bloody men that the rest of us have to deal with!

I have been in the same situation and my EX did exactly the same to me - the day I was out I was hoovering and mopping because the floor was that dirty I was gagging (we lived on a farm and whilst I was in hospital the rule of 'dirty boots to be left in the porch' was ignored. Pushing the hoover about made me pass out - I did LTB.

Please do not take this - it is abuse. You should not be expecting to go back to twice the amount of chores, you should be recooperating! Can you get the hospital to explain this to him - maybe it would be taken better if it comes from a medical professional?

[Aebj]

I would expect my dh to do the washing and feed the children. Not let it wait for you to come home to.
I was in hospital a couple of weeks ago and I was so lucky. Dh is navy and away so my friend came to the rescue. All I needed was for her to look after the boys for me. She went above and beyond. She put a load of washing on for me , brought some flowers and chocolate for the boys to give me when she brought them into visit me, she helped the boys wipe the kitchen surfaces down and put clean dishes away. She is amazing.
Hope you get better soon