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To not be coping

(21 Posts)
whatdoido1 Mon 13-Feb-17 01:37:15

Not really an Aibu but posting for traffic as I'm not sure what the best topic to post under. Name changed for this too

I had a baby boy 3 weeks ago, and I'm not coping with motherhood. I know it's still the difficult early days but I look at him and just see a baby, it doesnt register as him being my son and i feel no connection to him. I feel terrible for saying that because I was expecting such a rush of love as soon as he was born and i just dont have that.

Found out today my boyfriend had been messaging other girls the entire pregnancy, and last night had a girl over at his house (i live with my parents) when he'd told me he was going to a work party. Hed messaged his friends in detail about their night together. I found out by looking through his phone which I know I shouldnt have done I just had a gut feeling he wasnt where he said he was last night.

I just dont see how things are ever going to get better, I dont see myself ever bonding with my baby properly, everyday since he was about 3 days old I just want to cry all the time. I feel so hurt that my boyfriend could do this to me, the pregnancy wasnt planned and he wasnt happy about it when we first found out, but hed started to support me throughout the pregnancy and I dont know how I'm going to be able to bring up this baby now on my own

Any advice is much appreciated sad

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar Mon 13-Feb-17 01:41:17

It sounds like you have post natal depression. Could your home visitors/Public Health Nurse help and advise you? It will get better flowers

DJBaggySmalls Mon 13-Feb-17 01:43:09

There is nothing wrong with you. Please talk to your health visitor. If your bf is causing trouble, your emotions will shut down, and that can colour the way you think about your baby.
I didnt bond with my first for about 18 months until he was threatened. I had undiagnosed PND. It was tied up with the way my ex behaved as well.

Please keep posting. flowers

Brokenbiscuit Mon 13-Feb-17 01:47:26

You poor, poor thing. I'm so sorry. The first few weeks with a tiny baby are incredibly difficult even if you do have a supportive partner.

Honestly speaking, your boyfriend sounds awful, and in the long term, I think you'd be better off without him. You deserve much, much better. However, I'm not sure if you'll be in the right frame of mind to make decisions about that right now, so let's park that for a minute.

Your relationship with your baby is the one that really counts. As it happens, I know quite a few women who didn't feel that rush of love at the beginning, but all of them adore their children now. What you feel now is just that - it doesn't mean that this is how you'll always feel. It sounds like you might have pnd. Would you consider speaking to your GP?

Are your parents supportive? Do you have friends who can help you get through this?

Please get help. You don't have to do this on your own.

FennecFoxMummy Mon 13-Feb-17 01:51:14

I felt the same. You're totally normal I promise. Don't get me wrong some mothers do fall totally and completely in love with their babies but for the first 6 weeks after having my little boy I cried all the time. I thought I'd made the biggest mistake having my little boy. I felt like it was never going to get easier. But he is 7 months old today and I couldn't be more in love with him. Right now it's tough and I honestly didn't enjoy being a mum for the first 3 months but it did pass.
Talk to your health visitor about how you're feeling they will be able to assess if it's postnatal depression and give you all the support you need. I'm so sorry about your partner but right now you need to focus on you and baby the stress from him wont be helping you to bond.
I promise it'll get easier for you. It's so hard in the 1st few weeks take what help and support you can from family and friends!
flowers for you OP

TooSmittle Mon 13-Feb-17 01:51:42

Aww love, it all sounds terribly hard flowers There are 3 parts to this (as far as I see it) - worries about bonding with your baby, feeling very down and your fuckwit boyfriend.

Bonding will happen, I promise. It's not as unusual as you might think to not immediately have a great rush of love but you'll get there. I only felt a responsibility to all 3 of my children when they were born, I had to get to know them before I started being breathless with love for them. Now I love each of them with every fibre of my being. Just give it time.

Obviously I can't diagnose over the Internet but it sounds a bit like you might have postnatal depression. Please please talk to your health visitor or your GP as soon as you can and just let them know how you're feeling.

Fuckwit boyfriend? Oh sweetheart you deserve better. You know what you need to do. Honestly, you're stronger than you realise right now. You can do this.

Keep talking to people, don't face this alone. Be kind to yourself x

StillMedusa Mon 13-Feb-17 02:15:51

I bonded with DD1 instantly. Ds1 took 16 weeks before I felt the slightest bit of love for him. DD2... I was overwhelmed with love for her. Ds2... well let's just say it took over a year (PND).
Instant love is not a given..nor is it necessary! You might like to have a chat with the midwives/gp as PND is so common and so bloody horrible, but believe me when I say that at some point you WILL love your baby.. it will happen, but it's perfectly ok that it isn't now.
Your Dp is an arse. I'm sorry... concentrate on getting support for yourself xxx

ohtheholidays Mon 13-Feb-17 02:21:41

What a Bastard,I'd offer to stamp on his bollocks for you if I thought it would do any good!

With the way your feeling since the birth have you spoken to your HV or the Midwife?
It does sound like you could be suffering with PND it's a bloody pain in the arse at a time when we want to be happy and feel like we should that all the sodding hormones we were carrying whilst we were pregnant go crashing through the floor and can make us feel so terrible,I had PND,it took me over 6 months to reach out for help,I wish I'd realized sooner and got help faster,please reach out to someone so you'll get the help and support you deserve.
You can talk to your HV or your Dr,they'd always want to know when any new Mum feels this way.

I promise there is really good support and treatment out there now and you will start to feel better and once you do you'll start to enjoy your DS and that bond will come,your poor bodys just been through a huge shock,giving birth takes alot out of you and then the Idiot Arsehole boyfriend isn't helping how your feeling I'm sure and I'm not surprised.

If you feel like you want to and you have someone that's kind and good at listening in your life think about reaching out to them as well and there's so many of us on here that have felt the way that you do that will be happy to listen day or night.

Good Luck OP sending un Mumsnetty ((((Hugs)))) and cake brew and flowers

Italiangreyhound Mon 13-Feb-17 02:26:30

I did not feel an instant bond. I was in hospital and things did not go well. I had to stay in a while and did not start to bond until I got home. She is 12 now and the light of my life! (If somewhat stroppy!)

Please go and see your GP for post natal depression, or the health visitor.

I agree with others. Especially Brokenbiscuit that baby is what counts now.

"The first few weeks with a tiny baby are incredibly difficult even if you do have a supportive partner."

and "your boyfriend sounds awful, and in the long term, I think you'd be better off without him. You deserve much, much better. However, I'm not sure if you'll be in the right frame of mind to make decisions about that right now, so let's park that for a minute."

Just make sure your boyfriend helps to support his baby financially and has a chance to be a dad, but in the long term you may well chose to not stay together. But as is said, park that for now.

Concentrate on you and your lovely new son. It's all new, and new things can still be tough.

XX [hugs] and thanks and GP/Health visitor tomorrow, your new better feeling life is waiting, you just need help to access it and your feelings are totally normal but you do need some help.

aurynne Mon 13-Feb-17 05:57:10

I am a midwife, and I tell all my women that there is a minority of mums who feel that instant rush of love when their baby is born, and they are very lucky. But there is a majority of mums who have to work at those feelings. Feeling nothing for weeks or months is perfectly normal, especially with a first baby. Those feelings will come with time. Until that happens, babies just need to be cared for, changed, cuddled and fed. You will get there! Big hugs!

BathshebaDarkstone Mon 13-Feb-17 06:14:59

I didn't bond with DS1 or DD2 straight away, they're now 26 and 9 and I adore them. Being a single parent with a newborn is tough, I was with DD2, sleep when the baby sleeps and accept all offers of help.

Trifleorbust Mon 13-Feb-17 06:41:14

Please listen to aurynne - this is a completely normal way to feel!

Ditch the 'boyfriend' - he is a loser.

rwalker Mon 13-Feb-17 07:02:41

you really will be able to cope as a couple or on your own you are just finding your feet . all this is new and massive learning curve, you do sound depressed speak to hv nothing wrong with asking for help .
as for bf think the elephant in the room is the pregnancy was unplanned and maybe he feels trapped talk to him but make sure you are strong enough to do this .things made be said in the heat of the moment that both of you don't mean good luck please please remember a lot of people struggle with newborn please don't be hard on yourself you will fine

whatdoido1 Mon 13-Feb-17 09:09:36

Thanks so much for the responses, its really reassuring to know that other people have felt the same way as me.

I just feel terrible when family hold him and seem to have a connection with him and it just makes me want to cry. I do have a supportive family so I'm lucky but I feel really down about not having a partner with me, there's no way I can stay with him after that.

My health visitor is coming round this morning so I will definitely speak to her

MatildaTheCat Mon 13-Feb-17 09:16:08

Good to hear your HV is coming today. Do talk and do cry. She will understand.

Can you talk to your parents? Putting on an act of feeling ok is incredibly draining and they will want to help. And also talk loud and clear about Fuckwit. Do not cover up his crappy behaviour in any way. Sounds as if you've decided to ditch him which sounds like a very good plan but tell everyone WHY.

You will get through this and feel well and strong again. Love to you and your beautiful baby. flowers

Mrsglitterfairy Mon 13-Feb-17 09:19:42

It can be normal to feel like this in the early stages but definitely speak to your HV when she comes round. Are you close with your parents? Tell them how you're feeling, especially your mum, she's had babies, she'll understand.
And as for that boyfriend of yours, he sounds like he's more trouble than he's worth to be honest. I know you probably love him and want to be together for your baby but he clearly doesn't respect you and you and your baby deserve so much better flowers

Heirhelp Mon 13-Feb-17 09:20:05

Feeling an instant bond is not the norm and to be be honest the new born stage is a fucking nightmare. For some reason people don't talk about this.

At 6 to 8 weeks your baby will smile and for me I was like ok so she is a little a person and by about 14 weeks having a baby is maamgeable but whole life consuming.

My DH tells me it took him until DD was 8 months to bond with her. I thought he loved her from the beginning. Smiling sweetly and being enchanted looking at a cute baby is not the same as bonding.

Be kind yourself as you are doing an amazing job.

whatdoido1 Tue 14-Feb-17 00:04:48

Thanks to everyone who replied to me. I spoke to HV this morning and we had a good chat, she recommended I speak to my GP so have made an appointment for this week. I just want things to be normal again

FreeWeezy Tue 14-Feb-17 00:10:33

Be honest with your HV and don't be ashamed of your feelings. I lied to the midwives and HVs and got to 5 months before I finally broke down and had to go to the dr. I was diagnosed with PND and the help I've received has changed my life, I wish I'd sought help earlier so I could have enjoyed those early months with my daughter. Take care of yourself.

Italiangreyhound Tue 14-Feb-17 01:49:55

whatdoido1 "Thanks so much for the responses, its really reassuring to know that other people have felt the same way as me."

Good to know you are reasurred, we are here for you.

"I just feel terrible when family hold him and seem to have a connection with him and it just makes me want to cry."

Please remember your family have not had to be pregnant (for this baby), or give birth, and deal with the rush of hormones and the experience generally.

Also, they are not really required to do much with baby at this early stage, aside from hold baby and smile and say how cute they are! That is the easy bit.

"I do have a supportive family..." that's great, do use their offers of help and support. "... so I'm lucky but I feel really down about not having a partner with me, there's no way I can stay with him after that." You don't need to stay with him, you can choose to do whatever you want to do. But you can also wait and make your decision when you feel better and on more of an even keel.

It is brilliant your family are supportive but I don't think they can support 'away' your post natal depression, which is why you do need to see your GP, so I am delighted you said "My health visitor is coming round this morning so I will definitely speak to her."

I am so glad you spoke to your health visitor and glad it went well and I hope you have got your GP appointment now.

thickgit Thu 16-Feb-17 17:56:18

He is a nasty piece of work to do that. You do not need him. In fact, it's better that he's out of the equation now than years down the line, so in a way, he's done you a favour. It must hurt so much right now and
having a newborn must seem like the hardest thing ever. Don't worry so much about not feeling the way you expected to feel about your child. . . I think that's normal. You will almost definitely fall in love with your little one soon.
Please seek help and talk about your difficulties to people in real life too.
All the best. You can do this

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