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to genuinely wonder how to proceed.

(9 Posts)
Spottyfeeties Mon 13-Feb-17 00:38:49

An old friend has had a tough time the past few years, bereavement and divorce, and has been seeing her boyfriend for a couple of years on and off. I find him a controlling, sexist bigot and the stuff he posts on fb leave me agog. Really vile stuff objectifying women as being some little girl to be protected by a "real man" or more frequently, crap like "the only place to slap a woman is on the arse". Plus the predictable far right bollocks. He talks to me and our friends like he is a father thanking another parent for looking after his child, it's unnerving and proprietorial. She of course thinks the sun shines out of him and will hear nothing against him at all, which suddenly makes me question her judgement. How can she overlook and even encourage this?

I have plenty of friends with different political views, it's all healthy debate, but this feels different and yet I cant articulate why!

OneMillionScovilles Mon 13-Feb-17 03:07:58

Because there are issues on which reasonable (wo)men can differ, and then there's misogynist/racist (I realise the latter isn't the case here as far as you've said) bigotry which essentially "less-than"s a whole segment of society?

Missbohan Mon 13-Feb-17 03:16:26

What do you mean 'how to proceed'? Nothing you can do, her life, her partner. If you don't like him all you can do is try to see her when he isn't around. Also his facebook posts, yes he sounds like a major creep but again - realistically, isn't your place to do anything. All you can do is be there for friend if things go wrong. You say 'how can she overlook and encourage this?' But really why do you need to now how / why? Why does it need to be justified to you? It is as old as time - for whatever reason, she loves him, therefore clouded judgement and she makes allowances for him. Also, people change. I understand why you are concerned but if I was her and a friend was wondering how to proceed - about my relationship - i would be livid with rage. Literally, beyond fuming. Not everyone is the same - even if we don't like / agree with them. Sorry if post seems rude, but I just don't truly understand how people ever think they can do anything about this type of thing - everyone is entitled to do what they like!

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Mon 13-Feb-17 04:32:39

Because she cares about her friend and is concerned that she is with a misogynist who is unlikely to respect her and treat her as an equal partner?

Realistically there is little you can actually do OP. Has she voiced any concerns about him? I have a good friend who is in a relationship I'm concerned about (for different reasons). I choose not to see him, as it would feel wrong to normalise and tacitly accept him. I only suggest/ agree meeting when he won't be there. I think she understands because when she invited me round once she added "dp will be away on business trip". I want to be there for her as I anticipate this relationship will cause her heartache in the future, and I don't want to be pally with him or witness him treating her badly, as that seems to be approving his behaviour. I would see her without him, not normalise anything she tells you about him, but also not focus on that. be there if she wants to talk further. When my friend tells me something unreasonable her dp does, I say that it is cruel/ selfish/ unreasonable, but I don't say more unless she wants to talk further about it. It's a tricky one to navigate.

Also " unfollow" him on fb so you have less exposure to him.

AlmostAJillSandwich Mon 13-Feb-17 04:41:07

After losing someone she loved, then a divorce, she may just actually enjoy someone playing a very protective role.
Behind closed doors there's no saying he mistreats her at all (especially with regard to sex)
She clearly seems happy, why can't you just let her be happy? If something goes wrong you can be there for her, but absolutely don't make it into an "i told you so!" situation.

wettunwindee Mon 13-Feb-17 06:44:06

I wonder if he is as bad as you are making out.

The example you gave, "the only place to slap a woman is on the arse" sounds a little like a misguided anti-DV comment.

she may just actually enjoy someone playing a very protective role


You say you can't articulate the issue. Perhaps you just don't like him. Being protective is not a bad thing. She sounds like she may need someone in a more supporting than equal role at the moment.

Do you mean far right politics or right wing? Without giving examples of his vileness, I can;t see why you're required to proceed in any way whatsoever except perhaps making an effort to be socially polite to him for the sake of your friend.

Spottyfeeties Mon 13-Feb-17 09:14:16

I suppose I find it astonishing that she could have someone with views like that in her life in any form let alone as a partner. She has two daughters too, and I wonder what messages he gives them. I suppose I find some views completely indefensible. The right wing stuff is islamaphobic BF crap.
I suppose theres nothing to be done but avoid him, it's already strained when we see each other, my DP thinks he is a dick so it's already quite strained.

Spottyfeeties Mon 13-Feb-17 09:26:10

I find it incongrouous and demeaning to her, when he posts bloody awful sexist memes, and in the next moment a photo of the two of them together. I just wonder what that says about his views of her. She has reposted a few bits and I think "where have you gone?" It's as though she is taking on his awful views in order to make it/him more acceptable. I'm sad for her. She deserves so much better.

Spottyfeeties Mon 13-Feb-17 09:28:04

Wettundwindee i just clicked on your link! That is a pen portrait of him. sad

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