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to ask if it's normal for ex not to ask after DC when they're with me?

(21 Posts)
Clemmythyme Sun 12-Feb-17 23:53:19

Posted this in step parents but think it'd be better here but not sure how I delete the first thread?

I have an 8 year old DS from a previous relationship and two girls with my now husband aged 4 and 2. My ex sees DS EOW and extra during the holidays. He only lives half hour away and frequently works ten minutes away but doesn't ask to see DS during the week, doesn't ask me how he is or ask to speak to him. He then will often send his mum or GF to collect DS without forewarning him that he won't be there himself; sometimes this is just for collection but sometimes he isn't there for whole nights/days.

I let DS have a day off school last week so we could have a special day out, just the two of us. My ex has kicked off saying he didn't agree and how dare I not consult him. I feel like telling him that he should make more effort to show an interest in DS' life and that he just wade in with complaints. However I don't know many other separated families so I'm unsure if his lack of contact during the time DS is with me is normal?

Buttonmoon12345 Sun 12-Feb-17 23:57:33

My DD is 10 years old and her father texts in the week to see how she is. He has her EOW and an eve each week. We live quite close to one another though and have been amicable for years so have flexibility with contact etc

Willyoujustbequiet Mon 13-Feb-17 00:10:36

My recent ex only sees dc once a month most of the time. I get a very occasional text asking how they are but he never rings them would ever see them during the week.

He lives 10 minutes away.

Hes a deadbeat in my book

NeeNahh Mon 13-Feb-17 00:17:36

My boyfriend calls his daughters to say goodnight every night he's not with them (unless there's a good reason that he can't get to his phone) and sees them as often as he can. He has also never sent me to pick them up or arranged to do something else when hes supposed to have them abd expected me to look after them.

IMissGrannyW Mon 13-Feb-17 00:18:38

I work in schools. Absent dads are very common. They tend to be critical of the mums who bring their kids up, whilst doing less than nothing themselves. I think they are cunts.
I don't say that out loud.

Willyoujustbequiet Mon 13-Feb-17 00:23:13

Once you beome part of the divorced world so to speak you see just how selfish and immoral a lot of fathers (and it is fathers the vast majority of the time) are.

Evergreen777 Mon 13-Feb-17 00:23:54

My ex has never routinely contacted the kids when they're with me. Only very occasionally of there's some specific reason. I think that's normal enough.

But leaving your DS with his GF or mum without forwarning him sounds a bit unsettling for DS. Could you ask your ex to let him know if he's not going to be there? I wouldn't actually object to him leaving DS with anyone else though if I were you, because he's less likely to be upfront with you about it if he thinks you disapprove. He ought to tell DS who's going to be looking after him though, or tell you to let him know

SisterMortificado Mon 13-Feb-17 06:07:52

XP rarely asks about DD when she's with me. If he knows she's been unwell or there was something she was looking forward to he might text and ask after her but in general he's incommunicado for the fortnight.

He gets her from school on his weekends, but 50/50 whether he takes her to his parents' so he can go to work.

I don't know if it's overall normal, but it's normal for us.

Clemmythyme Mon 13-Feb-17 08:51:42

That's precisely the situation here Granny, even though he has every opportunity to be involved handed to him on a plate. I ask how DS is over the weekend, but mostly get ignored. I can't imagine going whole fortnights without knowing how he is or anything about his life.

DevelopingDetritus Mon 13-Feb-17 09:07:00

My ex has no problem going two weeks without contact. Never have got it, never will.

GoosevonMoose Mon 13-Feb-17 09:18:18

DH used to call to try and speak to his kids from a previous marriage every single night for years. ExW used to pick up the phone maybe once a month. It was heart breaking. He finally gave up after about four years. He then bought his eldest an iPhone hoping he could FaceTime him directly but nope ExW refused to put in the wifi code so it never happened. In the beginning when I met them the youngest was three and they would be handed over with zero information not even if they were poorly. It's not always the fathers who are at fault.

DevelopingDetritus Mon 13-Feb-17 09:40:45

No not always but most of the time.

BillSykesDog Mon 13-Feb-17 09:46:57

Hang on, if you're fined for taking him out of school, don't you both get fined regardless? If that's the case (and I believe it is) then, yes, you should have consulted him before taking the risk.

As for the other stuff, where is he when he's not there? Working or down the pub?

As for the other stuff, I guess it's difficult to strike a balance between interfering and staying in touch. It doesn't sound like you have a good relationship, is he possibly trying to minimise opportunities for conflict?

Evergreen777 Mon 13-Feb-17 16:01:41

I think on balance it's easier to get on with your life and not have conflict if you don't interfere to much with what the other is doing. So I wouldn't complain about him not contacting much in the week. Besides, if what you really want is him to feel about DS like you do, that may just not happen. Him contacting DS more because you've told him to isn't going to change the way he feels is it? Doesn't mean he's a completely useful father, just that he's not as close as you are to him, not his primary carer, and trusts you to meet his needs in the week. Equally, I don't see why you should need to be contacting you ex regularly on a weekend to see how DS is. DS can tell you himself when he gets back.

There is a bit of an issue with missing school, as a pp points out that if the school fined you, it could potentially be both of you (your ex too) so I can see how he might be cross about that. Would imagine you'd not be pleased if he'd had DS over a weekend and didn't take him to school on Monday morning without tellin you, just to spend some more time with him.

But other than that, it's best to get on with your own lives and let the child tell you what they've been up to (major health issues, schooling decisions, etc aside)

Ilovecaindingle Mon 13-Feb-17 16:07:24

Since my ds x, 3 have had phones we have kept in constant touch when they aren't here. . Before that being ignored or twat answers from exh put me off asking tbh.
When my ds have reached their teens they have chosen to live with me full time with little to no contact with df. His desire to keep them absent as much as possible backfired terribly for him. .
There is such a thing as karma there really is. .

Camelopardtoes Mon 13-Feb-17 16:08:39

Honestly, I would be annoyed with you taking him out of school arbitrarily.
His level of contact has nothing to do with your responsibility as RP to have your child in school.

OliviaBishop Mon 13-Feb-17 16:11:24

I have a few friends in similar positions and they all have no contact at all during the week and it is common for granparents / parters to collect due to shifts at work, health issues, appointments , other children involved or only 1 car etc .

Doesnt make it right and he is very unresonable in saying anything about taking your son out for 1 day that is non of his business ( assuming no fine for 1 day as both parents can be fined ).

delilahbucket Mon 13-Feb-17 16:31:04

My ex sees DS (8) eow for one night. It used to be every weekend but he reduced it. Not once has he ever called or even texted to check on DS. He never rings to say happy birthday or merry Christmas. I used to get DS to ring him on his birthday or father's day but after four years of doing it I stopped. If he misses a weekend he doesn't ask after DS either. I don't expect it to be any different when DS is old enough to have his own phone.
When we first split DS was 2. He rang every night to say goodnight for the first week or so, then he became less and less reliable, changing the time or not ringing at all. He also looked after DS during the day while I worked at this point. After a few weeks he started sending his mum more and more, stating he was too tired to get up in the morning (bearing in mind he only worked a few hours a week). In the end I stopped that and got a childminder as his mum was too I'll to look after a child on her own.

Clemmythyme Mon 13-Feb-17 16:34:32

There was no fine. He was angry because I took my son somewhere he'd promised to take him 10+ times over the last five years. He works but only four days per week 9-4. He has plenty of time for hobbies and the pub, but not DS.

scoobydooagain Mon 13-Feb-17 16:40:13

I wouldn't expect my ex to ask how ds was unless there was something wrong and I would and do let him know if there was something wrong with ds. Similarly I don't contact my ex to ask how ds is when he is with him ( granted ds rarely stays more than I night at a time with ex). I can understand why your ex might not have been happy for you to take your son out of school for the day.

Camelopardtoes Mon 13-Feb-17 18:49:04

Why not take him on a weekend?

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