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AIBU to be so mad at ex over him going on holiday without dd

(57 Posts)
MadGrrMad Sun 12-Feb-17 21:27:23

Aibu to be so mad? First post so hopefully I get it right.

Background : me and ex broke up when I was pregnant with dd, we was together about a year and young... he got with his now wife very soon after, they have 2 kids girl and boy. Ex sees dd eow for 1 day Friday 5pm-Saturday 5pm.
Dd is 9, his 2 kids are 6 & 4.
We don't get on.. All contact changes/arrangements are made via text.

So I have just found out him and his wife are taking there to kids to Disneyland in December as there Xmas present!! And not dd!! She's not even been offered,shockangry I'm livid...as they did the same thing in December 2015 and dd also didn't get an invite then, although he said he asked her and she said no but when I asked her did he ask you she said she was never asked! (This was back in Jan 2016 when I found out they went)

Why wouldn't he take his other daughter, he has 3 children not 2!

Il admit I haven't always been an angel when it comes to making arrangements for him to see dd in the past... More so in the first 3 years of her life as he was the one who initiated the split, and I have said she couldn't go away with them before when they have asked, they also did pay for her to go away in the uk with them all last year but dd decided she didn't want to go a couple weeks before so she didn't go.

I just feel like this is so different, it's Disneyland Paris not a uk break!!

Aibu to ask what he's playing at ? Or does he have a right to have a holiday with his wife and the kids they have together and not involve dd...

Aibu to text and ask why dd hasn't been invited or should I just leave it? Im just so mad right now and don't know if I'm being unreasonable. angry

Trifleorbust Sun 12-Feb-17 21:30:51

It is a fairly horrible thing to do on the surface, but it sounds like there is quite a backstory and taking your DD away hasn't been made particularly easy for your ex...

ProudBadMum Sun 12-Feb-17 21:32:07

You haven't let her go in the past so why would he ask anymore?

It's your doing tbh

MillionToOneChances Sun 12-Feb-17 21:32:22

If your DD has form for just deciding not to go on holiday with him it's understandable that they didn't include her in such an expensive trip.

And shame on you for messing around arrangements in the past when you were angry about the split (I say that as someone who was left and wasn't happy about it, too).

nurseblonde Sun 12-Feb-17 21:34:43

Regardless of what you did in the past, he shouldn't punish your DD for your actions. It's not like it's a seaside break, it's frigging Disneyland.

melj1213 Sun 12-Feb-17 21:36:42

l admit I haven't always been an angel when it comes to making arrangements for him to see dd in the past ... I have said she couldn't go away with them before when they have asked, they also did pay for her to go away in the uk with them all last year but dd decided she didn't want to go a couple weeks before so she didn't go.

And yet you are still furious that they don't want to potentially waste a lot of money on paying for her to come with them when she might change her mind at short notice, and that's if you don't mess them around regarding allowing her to go in the first place?

YABU

Bahh Sun 12-Feb-17 21:37:22

Sounds like you have created a situation where he didn't feel he could or would be worth offering to take her. You have form for saying no and for letting the child decide she wasn't going at the last second. Imagine if he'd booked and paid for her and then a week before she decides she doesn't fancy it and you back her up? Money wasted and disappointed dad and siblings. Not sure I'd bother to ask either.

YABU.

PaulAnkaTheDog Sun 12-Feb-17 21:37:44

I think if you've been a pain previously (which you admit) then you cannot complain. He can't just stay in limbo when there are other children involved.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 12-Feb-17 21:37:46

So because he initiated the split that gave you the right to say he couldn't take his daughter away on holiday?

How do you expect him to take her when he only has her 1 day EOW? If he'd asked you'd probably have caused so much bother over it, your ex thought the better of it. If you've stopped her from going before why would he think you'd be any different now?

Ugh. I can't.

MadGrrMad Sun 12-Feb-17 21:38:06

Million - I am wondering if that's the reason he hasn't invited her, as she might change her mind, I know her sm asked her this year that if they went away in the uk would she want to go and she said probably not but Disneyland is a big difference to a uk break and I think she would want to go tbh.

I'm not proud of how I messed around with contact in the past many years ago and I admit Iv done wrong and apologised to my ex about it in the past also, I was hurt and I did the wrong thing at the time

budgiegirl Sun 12-Feb-17 21:39:14

* and I have said she couldn't go away with them before when they have asked, they also did pay for her to go away in the uk with them all last year but dd decided she didn't want to go a couple weeks before so she didn't go*

Usually I would say that your ex is unreasonable. But given the past history regarding holidays, I can see why he may have decided not to take her this time. He may not want to spend all that money just for her to decide not to go at the last minute.

AnyFucker Sun 12-Feb-17 21:40:14

I'm with him

He decided to go to Disney with his wife and family without the drama.

MadGrrMad Sun 12-Feb-17 21:40:33

I have offered more contact then eow but he has declined and wants to keep with eow.

ProudBadMum Sun 12-Feb-17 21:41:24

He probably thinks you will offer then take it away.

You have created this. Not him. You might have been hurt but you used your child to hurt him.

That's fucked up

ChasedByBees Sun 12-Feb-17 21:42:20

Could you speak with them about how much (you think) this would mean to her? Let them know that you'll do all you can to facilitate it if they can include her still (and that includes telling her she's going if she changes her mind at short notice).

Quimby Sun 12-Feb-17 21:44:10

Well you've got exactly what you wanted

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 12-Feb-17 21:44:28

Why is it ok for your daughter to say no at the last minute over a uK break but Disneyland is different?

You sound like you are cultivating your DD to pick and choose regarding holidays and other things she may want, being ungrateful over things and being allowed to say no because it's not good enough for her etc etc. There is nothing wrong with a UK holiday and no good reason why she couldn't go with her father and family.

OP you are not being fair. Although I do think it's good that you have at least admitted your faults in the past, but to be honest it sounds like you are still doing some things that are not right.

melj1213 Sun 12-Feb-17 21:44:40

It's not like it's a seaside break, it's frigging Disneyland.

So? Her father has wasted money before on "just a seaside break" and lost out ... Disneyland is not cheap - tickets, flights, hotels are not cheap at the best of times, but especially at peak times like near Christmas - I don't blame him not wanting to risk money he perhaps can't afford to lose if she changes her mind or if she gets really upset/homesick as she hasn't been away with them for more than a weekend before (and it's not like Disney is just a few miles up the M6) and puts a dampner on the whole family's holiday.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 12-Feb-17 21:46:20

I'm with him. He decided to go on holiday with his wife and family without all the drama.

Is his daughter not also family or. Have I missed something.

Op you're not being unreasonable, whether your dd had wanted to go or whether you'd have let her go. We don't know but She still could have been asked.

Auspiciouspanda Sun 12-Feb-17 21:47:29

So she doesn't want to spend time with her dad and half siblings on a UK holiday but would for Disney land?

That right there is good enough reason for her not to be invited.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 12-Feb-17 21:47:32

THe sad thing is that this girl will miss out on so much family time with her dad because of OP's attempts at parental alienation in order to appease her own anger over the split.

Such a shame but so common and something millions of families endure. It makes me quite depressed tbh.

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing Sun 12-Feb-17 21:48:53

It's very sad- from what I've picked up is that for you and DD its not the family time that's important- but where they're going? So UK can't be arsed, but Disneyland- hell yeah?

followTheyellowbrickRoad Sun 12-Feb-17 21:49:38

UK breaks are still expensive so they would have lost money when she decided not to go. Where her siblings disappointed when she decided not to go?

WiggleYourWoo Sun 12-Feb-17 21:50:22

does he have a right to have a holiday with his wife and the kids they have together and not involve dd...

Yes, absolutely, he has a right to go on holiday with his wife and their children without the drama

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 12-Feb-17 21:51:01

I have a feeling that if ex had asked his DD, OP would have done everything possible to make it very difficult for DD to go, with plenty of attempts at disrupting plans etc. And threats of not going at last minute unless ex does x, y, z. All orchestrated and fuelled by OP's vendetta against ex. I've seen it all before. So sad.

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