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Dss dad my wife's ex husband and racism.

(20 Posts)
Eddie19 Sun 12-Feb-17 17:02:04

NC for this as I have posted about dss dad and don't want to be spotted.

So my wife and I have been married for many years and i am heavily involved in my two teenage stepchildren lives dss and dsd. I believe personally I am a good dad and stepdad and have always tried to treat them like my own. I have a good relationship with both of them as do my children (despite occasions issues).

My wife left her ex my stepchildren dad when they were still young. He was emotionally abusive and it as far as I'm a aware was abusive relationship. He has been in and out of my children's lives but mostly has stayed away but every so often makes contact.

My stepchildren both decided last year for Father's Day to begin the adoption process (came as a suprise to us and was entirely their decision). They wanted to show their appreciation as they said it.

However this did not go down well with their bio dad. He has more of a relationship with dss then with dsd.

Bio dad has sent messages to his son containing racist abuse about me and my family calling us p**kis and other slurs. He has said stuff along the lines of that he doesn't want an Indian raising his children and that I'm taking away their English identity. It's obviously racist crap, because my family have been in this country for 3 generations and 2 generations we are not that Indian. I don't even speak Punjabi.

But how would you address such statements when he says things like this to my stepchildren or wife and we have given up on adoption. Also is it a police matter or just a bigots view ?

Eddie19 Sun 12-Feb-17 17:11:50

I'd also like to point out He has also said abusive things about my children and my wife and our son.

PollytheDolly Sun 12-Feb-17 17:20:23

Good grief!!

What an abhorrent man. I'm sorry you have this affliction in your lives. I hope his blantant racism is not rubbing off on his children?

And saying "you're not that Indian". Hey don't succumb to his self-loathing diatribe, be proud of who you are. He should count himself lucky his children have such a good dad in their lives.

titchy Sun 12-Feb-17 17:22:33

Racist comments - ignore them. Your step kids clearly don't believe such shit so ignore it.

Adoption though - wtf?! Your step kids decided to start the process - really? It's not their decision to make at all, and you should have told them that - adoption means severing all links with their father which is clearly wrong given they have a relationship with him. You have almost certainly antagonised their father by enabling this and caused the comments.

areyoubeingserviced Sun 12-Feb-17 17:24:16

He's a vile man and jealous too.
However, I agree with the other poster, be proud of your Indian roots.

Eddie19 Sun 12-Feb-17 17:28:51

And saying "you're not that Indian". Hey don't succumb to his self-loathing diatribe, be proud of who you are. He should count himself lucky his children have such a good dad in their lives.

I am proud of my son roots but I'm very British and wouldn't describe myself as someone who is very Indian in terms of culture. Basically my household is very little in difference to a white household culturally.

Eddie19 Sun 12-Feb-17 17:30:02

In regards to adoption it was entirely their choice we never informed them about it or ever suggested it, they said they wanted to be adopted.

Ihatethedailymail1 Sun 12-Feb-17 17:43:31

So why didn't you then say, but you have a dad. I just love being your step dad. Children cannot apply to be adopted, adults apply to adopt children. So unless you are adopting them, they cannot start any process.

Eddie19 Sun 12-Feb-17 17:51:24

Well the adoption is not happening I'm basically their dad anyway. The racism is the problem.

Eddie19 Sun 12-Feb-17 17:59:00

Anyone?

PerpetualStudent Sun 12-Feb-17 17:59:35

You have almost certainly antagonised their father by enabling this and caused the comments.

So OP asked to be called a p**i? Nice.

OP, I would ignore, but keep a record of these incidents. If they continue or escalate, then at some point you may want to take it further.

Londonsburningahhhh Sun 12-Feb-17 18:07:33

How does your dss feel about it. Both children love you dearly if they want you to adopt them. I would ignore and talk to your dss. Don't have any dealings with him.

Eddie19 Sun 12-Feb-17 18:13:03

How does your dss feel about it. Both children love you dearly if they want you to adopt them. I would ignore and talk to your dss. Don't have any dealings with him.

They hate it and ask him to stop .

PastysPrincess Sun 12-Feb-17 18:13:28

It's not the OP's fault the biological father is racist and abusive to a point that his own children don't want to be related to him anymore.

OP you are the victim of a hate crime and I urge you to report it every time it happens. If it ever escalates it will be very important to have all of the incidents on record.

report-it.org.uk/racist_or_religious_hate_crime1

WrittenandGrown Sun 12-Feb-17 20:05:07

I would report everytime. Then if the children want to be disassociated from their father the reports might help their case.

Eddie19 Mon 13-Feb-17 14:01:30

I would report everytime. Then if the children want to be disassociated from their father the reports might help their case.

I agree and will report if he does anymore racist things.

nagsandovalballs Mon 13-Feb-17 14:19:59

I would be open and honest with the sc. say you don't like their bio dad's language, and he is lashing out to cause maximum hurt to the sc and to you, but you don't think that they are like him/talk like him and you understand that this process of adoption may be long/difficult/not happen but you still love them as your own regardless of a bit of paper.

Then maybe suggest to them that they sit down together and work through pros and cons of the process on a piece of paper.

Finally, arrange a nice day out either all together or maybe just the two of them - go to a theme park/theatre/sports game/cinema/dinner, whatever they would enjoy. Not dependent on the adoption, just to signal that you don't hold them responsible for their dad's behaviour, or if they have changed their mind about adoption.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Mon 13-Feb-17 14:25:16

The racism is absolutely awful.

About the adoption however, if he has PR then surely je has to agree to the adoption.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Mon 13-Feb-17 14:25:30

*he

ElderDruid Mon 13-Feb-17 14:33:43

You know what Eddie19 you sound like a thoroughly decent guy, who has raised 2 non biological children as his own. All siblings argue so don't beat yourself up about that.

I would honestly not give their 'Dad' the time of day, I know the comments hurt but I wouldn't rise to his bait. He's obviously a very angry bitter man, with issues that will never change. I would imagine at best you could get an injection, but that would mean the SC miss out on him.

The best thing, I know that this may not even occur to you, is keep raising those children, show them how a real Dad behaves. I promise you that have his children regard you, a better Dad than their biological one will hurt far more.

If he texts you anything racist, block his number. If he texts or says anything racist to your wife, discuss the option of not replying to texts or walking off. Show the man it won't be tolerated.

People like this, ignoring them goes way further than biting back. Think to the future when you SD asks you to walk her down the aisle.

Wishing you all the best star

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