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... to dislike my future son-in-law?

(188 Posts)
ElinorRigby Sun 12-Feb-17 14:50:27

We had a rare visit from him and my daughter today - the first time we've seen him in over a year. They live in London - about 2 hours away. We sometimes see my daughter in Central London, but her partner is normally 'too busy' to come along.

The nearer the wedding comes - it's scheduled for August - the more I struggle with his behaviour. He's nearly 30 - some of the traits which I put down to adolescence being full of himself don't seem to have worn off. My daughter has been going out with him for over 10 years, and he is the only boyfriend she has ever had.

So today he informed me, when I asked him about his job he told me that I didn't know anything about the corporate world.

He mansplained all sorts of things about a university which I attended and he didn't attend.

He began eating as soon as food was put in front of him. (My husband cooked.)

He didn't thank us for the meal.

He didn't ask either of us anything about our own pursuits or opinions but spent the entire time talking about what he'd done and what he thought.

Interestingly they had travelled up to go to the wedding reception of one of my daughter's oldest friends - before the friend and her new husband emigrate. However, at the last minute he decided he was 'too tired' and so my daughter went to the event on her own.

So is my daughter marrying a rude selfish tosser?

MarasmeAbsolu Sun 12-Feb-17 14:53:01

She probably is - but your opinion most likely will not be welcome

Tough one. Have you met his parents?

GwenStaceyRocks Sun 12-Feb-17 14:56:07

Obviously your OP presents a very negative image of him but it also implies you have no faith in your DD's judgement. Is there a reason why your DD's boundaries are so poor that she'd marry a 'rude selfish tosser' or has she mentioned she is worried about his selfish tendencies?

ElinorRigby Sun 12-Feb-17 14:56:41

I've met his parents a few times and quite like them. Different cultural background, and we don't have vast amounts in common other than our children's plans to marry..

Mother warm and friendly. Father a bit more quirky/eccentric. Son in law to be is an only child of farily well off people, which is perhaps one of the reasons he can seem a bit entitled. He's not had to share. But I liked them more than I liked him.

Pigeonpost Sun 12-Feb-17 14:58:13

Yes, he sounds like a right cock. But you won't be able to do anything about it so just grin, smile politely, grit your teeth, maybe consider a fairly generic "don't do it if you don't want to, we'll support you" chat with your daughter as the wedding gets closer. And then be there for her if/when she figures out what a knob he is.

CaraAspen Sun 12-Feb-17 15:01:54

Sounds like a stupid adolescent. Ugh

Ineedsomewheretocry Sun 12-Feb-17 15:02:36

Op it's not you life, so say nothjnf. Weddings are stressful enough as is, trust me I'm having a mere at the moment

ruby1234 Sun 12-Feb-17 15:05:46

ElinorRigby

Three years ago I could have written your post almost word for word. My DD did marry the waste of space. 16 long and mostly miserable months later we got the call to go and pick her up; the scales had fallen from her eyes and she had finally had enough and left him.

I wish with all my heart I could have said to her what I thought of him before the wedding, but knew it would fall on deaf ears and likely ruin for life my relationship with my DD.

Another year on she has divorced him and returned to the happy person she was and is getting on with her life.

ohfourfoxache Sun 12-Feb-17 15:08:19

Urgh, sounds like a tosser

All you can do is be there when it all goes tits up

GeorgeTheHamster Sun 12-Feb-17 15:10:16

He sounds like a cock.
But all you can do is grin and bear it. It's her life.

FloorHugger Sun 12-Feb-17 15:11:50

Can I just say that it is not being an only child that makes people entitled and selfish. It is people being allowed to get away with it.

Thanks.

Tell us what you think his good points are. Does he love your daughter? Is he kind with her? Looking at it objectively is it a personaility clash between the two of you that might be colouring your view, but actually he is okay otherwise?

Underthemoonlight Sun 12-Feb-17 15:13:50

My DM hated my ex DS father she warned me he was only after being looked after, he wanted me to give up everything and foolishly I didn't listen wish I did as he was the biggest jerk ever. i hope my dd is a lot more picky when it comes to choosing men

Magzmarsh Sun 12-Feb-17 15:15:40

I realise it must be difficult. My own DD's boyfriend has some of these traits you describe but on the whole he's not a bad guy and crucially he makes DD very happy, she's confident, cheery and loves her life so he must be doing something right.

Does he make your DD happy? If not, you might find yourself in the same situation as ruby describes very soon.

In any scenario, you "saying something" will achieve nowt.

Farandole Sun 12-Feb-17 15:15:57

Yeah, he sounds dickish. Sorry.

DrivingMeBonkers Sun 12-Feb-17 15:19:35

He's her choice, not yours.

What does your DH think? (apologies for the impertinent question, is your DH your DDs father?) Do you have any other children and what do your DDs siblings think of her intended?

WhoeverUWantMeToBe Sun 12-Feb-17 15:22:01

The rule for loved one choosing awful partners is this: if they love them, we have to try to love them too

It's not always easy.

(I mean awful in this context as annoying, boring, infuriating, irritating, talks-too-much, talks-too-little, contributes nothing positive to social gatherings and leaves the rest of us wondering WHAT does she SEE in him?? I do not mean awful as in abusive. That is a totally different story.)

But this guy sounds awful as in just plain awful and annoying - not as in abusive/horrible to your DD.
In fact everything you've listed is about how he annoys YOU.
You've barely mentioned the way he treats her at all.

Him not going to the wedding is one tiny example with no context. Yes, maybe he's the kind of person who never does anything for her. But also, maybe he had a migraine.

If you reply with 5 examples of times he has horribly hurt your DD, that's different. But your OP is 5 examples of times he irritated you. Presumably he makes your daughter happy, does things/gives her things she needs in life. Try looking out for that. Concentrate more on how he treats your daughter and less on his table manners would be my advice.

EssentialHummus Sun 12-Feb-17 15:24:13

He sounds terrible. As others have said, you need to keep the lines of communication open with your DD. That's all you can do really.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 12-Feb-17 15:24:20

So he started eating as soon as food was placed in front of him and he neglected to say thanks? A little rude and socially awkward, then. Also he may well be too busy to come and see you, and if you dislike him so much then why are you complaining about it?

He was probably trying to find common ground with you with regards to your university.

It's fine to not like him, but if your DD has been with him 10 years and wants to marry him then presumably she has found qualities in him that she loves.

If you hate him it must really show through when you see him - that would make me clam up and be really awkward too. I'm not saying you're to blame, I'm saying it's possible he's tried too hard to impress you and gone really wrong. You've already made your mind up about him despite only meeting him very infrequently. Could you try giving him another chance?

Italiangreyhound Sun 12-Feb-17 15:25:11

Elinor I am afriad the usual answer would be "So is my daughter marrying a rude selfish tosser?" Yes, but he is her rude selfish tosser!

He sounds awful but it could be a lot worse.

Have you expressed your concerns?

Can you do so in the nicest possible way, like if things do not work out then you know you are always welcome here... no, of course,. I don't think it will not work out, I am sure it will, but... darling, you are our girl and you are always welcome here!" That type of thing?

I wonder why it has taken then 10 years to marry? Her doubts, his doubts.no doubts but not money??

Maybe they never wanted to marry but are planning on starting a family.

Just be there for her.

XXX thanks

AstrantiaMajor Sun 12-Feb-17 15:25:13

I had serious reservations about the partner of my eldest. Very sadly I turned out to be right. I said nothing at the time or since. You will gain absolutely nothing by voicing an option. You may, though, alienate your daughter by speaking of him.

ElinorRigby Sun 12-Feb-17 15:25:23

Okay, I think his good points are is that he is hard working and materially successful. My daughter has a better standard of living than most of her peers, as a result of having allied herself with him. There was a time in her childhood when we were quite hard up - just not a lot of money for extras - so it may be that she felt envious then of better off friends, and wanted their lifestyle.

I suppose that he has a determination and energy that may well be attractive. At one point after he graduated it was very hard for him to find suitable work and he really did not give up, and I found that impressive. I think that he has helped my daughter to become more ambitious in terms of studying at university, the job she does now.

(Although he is very clear that he is more intelligent than she is, and has said this in front of her. Another time when I had to bite my lip.)

I think she has always been attracted to 'strong' i.e (bossy) personalities. When she was at school her female friends were often quite controlling - she'd end up doing what they said, going where they wanted -, and I felt uneasy about some of those relationships too.

Italiangreyhound Sun 12-Feb-17 15:25:38

Ruby well done for being their for your daughter when she needed you.

everythingshunkdory Sun 12-Feb-17 15:26:09

Could he have social anxiety, and just ends up either trying to overcompensate to disguise it or avoiding situations that make him uncomfortable??

doubleshotespresso Sun 12-Feb-17 15:27:40

OP I am sorry to read this, it must be hell to have concerns like this and feel unable to voice them.

Does your DD seem happy with this guy? Does/ would she confide in you if she wasn't?

I'm asking because my first serious and very long-term BF, who I was head over heels with and assumed (wrongly) everybody was too, was not what he seemed.

My Mum loved him initially. My Dad really did not, but never said anything at the time. It all ended badly, fortunately before I married him, but a lot of damage was already done. I wish my Dad had just said something at the time, however difficult it might have been for me to hear or for him to tell me.

missmoffatt2705 Sun 12-Feb-17 15:29:43

What sort of a relationship do you have with your daughter? Have you ever shared your opinions of him with her? Given her examples like you have given us?
I pointed out all the negative stuff about my sister's boyfriend to her - she eventually split with him but not for 2 years although our frank conversation did not damage our relationship.
Could you draw a picture of the future she will have with him? His job and hobbies will always come first, his lack of manners will rub off onto any children they have, his habit of belittling and patronizing comments will continue and worse, their children will pick up on how he talks down to people like you, their grandmother.

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