Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2

AIBU?

To think this message is just strange and to block

36 replies

ichangedmynameforthis12 · 12/02/2017 13:13

My father has been in sporadic contact with me for most of my life. To give some context, he committed marital rape and was a bit .. odd. DM said she frequently found him masturbating on the sofa once we were in bed , we had internet and cable television very early (before most people we knew) for the sole purpose of pornography.

As a child (very early 90s) there was a concern I was sexually abused by him or at risk of it. Social services were involved anyway and I know they spoke to me when I was 3 or 4. I had symptoms that suggested issues but equally might have been totally innocent. Conclusion was that he wasn't doing anything.

He has sent me texts over the last 4 years or so. They have been odd at times. He has asked me to send him pictures with a smiley face and keeps saying he wants to see me in person. Lots of kisses. I am very affectionate in general but I havent seen him in 20 years. I don't know what he means but I'm not feeling right about it and I don't think it's 'normal'.

I asked my mum, she's not very happy, and said to cut all contact. All other persons I know, his family, my family, don't want me to talk to him at all. I had to see a psychiatrist when I was 19 and I remember they were not happy with the situation.

I want to cut contact completely but I don't know how to do that. He will phone and text persistently if I do, he will send me guilt tripping stuff, emotional blackmail (I get messages about what would I do if he could no longer contact me) , all sorts. I don't know what to think or do. I don't want him in my life, I know that.

OP posts:

Report

FillyFinch · 12/02/2017 13:14

Block him

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 12/02/2017 13:17

I'd cut off contact. He can't pester if you block him. You're never going to have a happy relaxed relationship with this man. Sorry you and your DM went through this.

QuinoaKeen · 12/02/2017 13:18

I understand why you are conflicted, but you don't owe this man anything - not politeness, not your time, nor your concern.

This must be very hard for you and I'm sorry you are going through it. Sometimes you must do the right thing for you and you only.

Block him.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 12/02/2017 13:18

If you cut contact completely then he can't emotionally blackmail you because you won't be able to get to you. I would block him, bar his number on your phone. Who else does he know that you know? Make sure that any mutual acquaintances, who may not know the family circumstances, don't give him any information about you for example your address.

barinatxe · 12/02/2017 13:23

Block him. He was sexually abusive (not necessarily to you) and is now trying to manipulate you, to guilt-trip you. He's harassing you. Block him, if he persists then report him to the police.

Datun · 12/02/2017 13:29

Block him on absolutely everything. If he continues to find a way to harass you, let the police know.

You may well get some kind of pushback where he ratchets up the pressure. Do not, on any occasion whatsoever, reply - as this just tells him that the longer he applies pressure the more likely you are to reply. Most of the time after the tantrums, it will eventually stop. However if you are in any doubt that he might be violent towards you, call the police.

Does he know where you live?

ichangedmynameforthis12 · 12/02/2017 13:37

He knows vaguely where I live and said he drove past to see what it looks like once. He lives a good 400 miles from me but his work means he travels a lot around UK.

I don't know if family would tell him. One sibling stands by him but they don't know my address or phone number. The others do but don't talk to him and have told me they never will because of his past behaviours.

I will block him.

I get stuff like, we don't know how long we have on this planet, need to learn to forgive and forget , put past behind us. I can't do that.

OP posts:

ChuckSnowballs · 12/02/2017 13:39

No we do not need to forgive and forget. We need very much to fucking remember. And to block people who are not making our lives better.

Sn0tnose · 12/02/2017 13:39

If you just block him, is there any chance that he'd be able to track you down? Does he know where you live? If he can't reach you by phone, is there any chance he'd turn up on your doorstep? If you're in the UK, can you remove yourself from the public edition of the electoral roll?

If it were me, I'd be inclined to hold off until the next text is received, then reply that you don't feel comfortable receiving any more messages from him, that you are not interested in establishing any kind of contact with him and that you are permanently cutting contact with him. Then block until you're able to completely change your number. I'd worry that just blocking him without telling him might prompt him to come looking, or that he might look for other ways to phone you if he realises you've just blocked him.

I think his comments about not knowing what he'd do if he couldn't contact you are just vile. Not just emotional blackmail, but another example of his belief that he and his wants/needs are more important than yours. 💐

CoolCarrie · 12/02/2017 13:42

You don't need to forgive or forget OP! You are right to block him, he is toxic to you and your family. You don't owe him anything.

Sn0tnose · 12/02/2017 13:43

No we do not need to forgive and forget. We need very much to fucking remember. I can't express just how much I agree with this.

sophiestew · 12/02/2017 13:46

Please do block him, he sounds quite dangerous to be honest.

SeaEagleFeather · 12/02/2017 13:46

Read up on manipulation techniques and how to deal with them.

He's no friend to you, he's a father but not acting well. No good father manipulates because then it's for his ends, not your good; and a good dad thinks of your good.

It's your dad, but there are many too many bad signs here. If you can, detach your feelings and see this as an exercise in learning how to deal with manipulative people

Datun · 12/02/2017 13:50

If it comes to it, you could consider letting him know that you have a network that supports you, including officials. It might be useful for him to realise that you're not isolated and that you have backing.

It's very difficult if he could turn violent, because you are left between a rock and a hard place. You either continue to be harassed or you run a risk.

I also think you should contact Women's Aid. They will have a wealth of experience with which to advise you. From what I can gather, these things tend to establish a pattern. They will have ideas and suggestions.

reuset · 12/02/2017 14:00

That sounds very odd, OP. Very odd. Take the good advice here and block him for good. Also you do not need to forgive and forget.

I'm sorry you had to go through any of that.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/02/2017 14:05

Will lawyers write letters for this sort of thing? I'm thinking 'cease and desist and any further contact will be considered harassment'.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/02/2017 14:06

There are too many members of your family, not wanting you to speak to him, for them to be wrong.
I'm sorry Sweet, but this guy, isn't wired up properly.
Do block his every avenue. Mention his strange emotional blackmail to your family and friends, and your fear of him driving by, or knocking on your door. The more people that are aware, the safer you will be.
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation. 💐

DJBaggySmalls · 12/02/2017 14:08

He isnt taking parental responsibility, he hasnt changed.
Keep a copy of all the messages in case you decide to take out an injunction later on.
Then block him.

Miserylovescompany2 · 12/02/2017 14:12

Send one text "please stop harassing me, I don't want you to contact me again" if he persists then contact the police. If he continues after a police warning? Then seek legal advice around taking out a non-molestation order against him.

Do not delete the texts. Ignore all phone calls from his number or numbers you don't know. (if its important the person will leave a message)

Waltermittythesequel · 12/02/2017 14:18

You can block him from calling and messaging which is exactly what you should do.

Sending any response, even a 'leave me alone' is attention.

This man is dangerous and no sort of father. And you know that.

Oldraver · 12/02/2017 14:21

I think you have to message him saying you dont want him to contact you. Any further contact you will consider harrasment and will contact the police. You shouldn't have to do this but it sets out loud and clearly your intentions, and will help if you do have to take it further.

Then block him from contacting you. Does he have your landline ?

Hissy · 12/02/2017 14:22

Funny how the forgive and forget line is trotted out by complete wankers who want to continue being so regardless of the damage and pain they inflict.

I can't agree more that we need to remember every fucking thing when it comes to abuse and hurting others on purpose

The forgive and forget nonsense allows them to feel better about themselves and lets them off the hook. Bollocks to that.

Block him and live happy and free love. You've earned that right.

Hissy · 12/02/2017 14:23

When he texts op, what do you normally reply with?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 12/02/2017 14:45

We. WE!!!!!!! need to learn to forgive and forget!!!!!!. There's no "WE" in this. You've done absolutely nothing that needs forgiving. What does he need to learn to forgive and forget. That's an abuser though. They try to turn things around on you.
Yes he may not have sexually. However. He is emotionally abusing with those messeages. Yes exactly. We don't know how long we've got in this planet, so. You don't want to spend anytime with a wicked beast like him.
I echo everyone else Block him. You owe him nothing

ichangedmynameforthis12 · 12/02/2017 14:47

I try not to really. I tend to just give non commital replies or a smile. I don't know what he wants me to reply back usually, what he expects.

He has never been a father to me really, I stopped seeing him at four years old and didn't hear a word for fifteen years. When he did contact me it was to carry on his abuse of my mother, via me, but he also brought me into it , said my behaviour made his life difficult (at age 4). He left me in very difficult circumstances that a child could not manage alone , but I was expected to repeatedly. He said he made mistakes but he could justify them all as being someone else's fault.

It's weird , the picture thing. I've never felt uncomfortable like that before.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.