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to want to be able to moan about my job

(107 Posts)
iwasstarving Sun 12-Feb-17 12:09:28

DH and I have not agreed on the best way to raise a child, we've made some uneasy compromises. DH feels under 5s (ideally under 10s he says) should have a full time parent, obviously this needs to be me as I don't earn enough to cover the mortgage, but I was reluctant to go down this path. At first I thought I wanted it but the days on maternity leave were so so long.

So we compromised and I went back part time, 3 days a week. DH has done nothing to make life easier for me, every time I ask him for help he says "well if you'd give up work then you wouldn't need help."

The thing is work is very stressful right now but I can't say it's anything less than perfect otherwise he starts pressurising me to quit.

He's amazing but this is really getting me down sad

slightlyglitterbrained Sun 12-Feb-17 12:12:10

He's not amazing if he's undermining you and putting you into a position of feeling constantly under siege.

Andbabymakesthree Sun 12-Feb-17 12:13:23

He's not amazing if that is what he's saying.

Read this.
www.racheltoalson.com/a-dad-is-not-babysitter-or-a-helper-hes-a-parent/

Also you are allowed to moan without expecting solutions!

ilovesooty Sun 12-Feb-17 12:13:38

I can't imagine how a controlling bully like this can be amazing.

VimFuego101 Sun 12-Feb-17 12:13:43

He doesn't sound amazing to me. When one partner works, it doesn't absolve them from doing housework/ childcare when they're home. Both sides should get equal leisure time.

Stilltryingtobeme Sun 12-Feb-17 12:15:21

I work two days a week, I've recently taken on extra work at home. I did not really consult my husband beyond a passing "what do you think?". His response, if that's what you need, we'll make it work. I don't get how your husband is amazing either.

iwasstarving Sun 12-Feb-17 12:22:50

I didn't mean that really, he does plenty of housework and childcare but if for instance I'm running late in the morning I might ask if he can do something and he says he wouldn't have to if i'd stop being stubborn.

It's more I'd like to feel supported in the choices I've made.

Astro55 Sun 12-Feb-17 12:24:50

Well tell him to shut up and stop being an arse!

TheStoic Sun 12-Feb-17 12:31:11

He's hoping to wear you down so you give up and quit.

Please don't do that.

Hellmouth Sun 12-Feb-17 12:34:47

He's not amazing because he's not supporting your choices actively. You are a partnership, and that means supporting each other. It sounds like he's constantly trying to guilt you into being a SAHM

iwasstarving Sun 12-Feb-17 12:36:03

He does try to guilt me, hethinks this would work best but I think what he means is it works best for him

chickenowner Sun 12-Feb-17 12:39:33

He's behaving like a baby because he hasn't got his own way - he wants you to give up work and do all the parenting and housework.

iwasstarving Sun 12-Feb-17 12:51:23

He says I don't talk to him any more and I say well, you just keep telling me to stop work.

ToastieRoastie Sun 12-Feb-17 13:00:36

Don't let yourself get so worn down that you leave your job. I don't know what to advise really, as what can you say to him to make him support you?

tenterden Sun 12-Feb-17 13:04:49

He sounds like a selfish dick.

He doesn't seem to care that you feel unsupported, he just wants you to get back into line.

CorporalNobbyNobbs Sun 12-Feb-17 13:06:22

You're not being stubborn to want to keep your job!! Ugh. He sounds horrible.

wowbutter Sun 12-Feb-17 13:14:28

Surely, if he feels that strongly that a child should have a parent at home, he has handed notice in for his job?

He hasn't, has he? He feels a child should have a mother at home. You don't. So, he is making it difficult for you, to force you to make the choice he wants.

That's horrible.

slightlyglitterbrained Sun 12-Feb-17 13:39:10

It's bullying. And very unpleasant. He isn't thinking about how shit it is for you as the recipient of all this, just about "winning".

SaorAlbaGuBrath Sun 12-Feb-17 13:46:08

I chose to be a SAHM (with DPs agreement) and even then he'll still help before he leaves for work/gets home. Your DH is not amazing, he's an unsupportive arse.

RainbowsAndUnicorn Sun 12-Feb-17 14:08:38

I'd have gone back full time and lost the dead weight. Tell him it's not the 1950s anymore.

iwasstarving Sun 12-Feb-17 15:55:44

I am so confused about everything

Astro55 Sun 12-Feb-17 16:28:24

How do you support his working life?

So you cook and clean take care of the nursery run ironing washing?

What's he doing to suppprt you? Moaning?

Tell him straight!! I work because I want too! I am allowed tobhave a bad day and discuss it without you picking holes!!

bertiesgal Sun 12-Feb-17 16:29:45

I earn more than my DH.

We could survive on my salary alone if I were full time.

DH would lose his mind if he had to spend every day with the children. He is a wonderful loving father and so patient. He is also immensely talented at his job and derives great satisfaction from it.

As somebody who loves him I would never ask him to give it up even if it made life "easier" for me. We are a team, we work towards a lovely life for both of us and for our children.

I couldn't live with myself if he were utterly miserable at home and he couldn't live with himself if I were working full time at this stage of the kids being so little.

I a knowlege that our choices are totally personal and that we are very lucky to have these choices by the way (still bloody skint mind).

Your DH is being a selfish sexist arse in my opinion.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered Sun 12-Feb-17 16:30:55

He sounds like a bully. Sorry OP, he is NOT amazing. sad

bertiesgal Sun 12-Feb-17 16:35:45

Should add that I don't want to work full time right now, DH would fully support me if I did (frankly my 4 kids are so batshit crazy that being taken seriously at work all week is actually very tempting....)

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