To wonder what the hell is going on with my wedding plans?

[isthismummy]

Dp and I got engaged at Christmas time. We've booked wedding already for early summer. Our plan was registery office wedding followed by afternoon tea reception at a hotel we both love. We've hired a lovely room there and can stay as late as we like. Less than twenty guests, just immediate family and friends.

I have four female friends coming.

Original plan was no night do. Only friends a, b and c said we really should have one. Some of them are travelling hundreds of miles to be with us and we needed to have a proper party (no scope for dancing etc in hotel. It's quite a fancy one)

Therefore I found what I thought was a nice, small evening venue, but with a grand minimum bar spend charge. This means searching around for more guests than I would really care about inviting to cover it.

I went there yesterday with friend c and another friend to look at it. I didn't like it when I saw it and said so. Friend c clearly got annoyed because of that and after twenty minutes got up and left!

I didn't want a hen do, but friends are insisting I should have one. Now that's tuned into friends a, b, c and d debating where to go, some of them don't want to do anything, everyone is getting stressed about it. I'm getting freedback about it all and feeling bad about whole thing.

Friend c in particular has really taken over and it's all questions about guest organisation, wedding morning planning, pre wedding meet ups etc etc etc...

I've also ended up making them all bridesmaids when I wasn't originally planning any! Feel like they are getting so involved (well some of them) that I should ask. However some (not all) have been less than enthusiastic and now I feel shit about that.

I just wanted to marry my dp in the company of the people I love Really wanted to avoid all the stressful wedding bullshit and now I've been lumbered with it anyway!

I'm very grateful that they care and want to help, but I'm starting to wonder what the fuck happened to my wedding plans. Feeling totally overwhelmed atm and like eloping is a good idea. Dp feels the same! Really stressed and unhappy about it all.

AIBU to tell them how I feel or do I just accept it's all inevitable wedding stuff?

[Costacoffeeplease]

It's not inevitable wedding stuff if you don't want it

I'm not sure why you've gone along with these plans, I'd just say for budget reasons, or because you want to go back to the original plan, that there won't be an evening 'do' etc. It's your wedding, hopefully your only one, do it how you want

[BlondeBecky1983]

Tell them how you feel and stick with Plan A.

[isthismummy]

I'm not sure why I have either.

Low self esteem I think. I wasn't even sure people would care we were getting married, then really touched that they do and now it's all snowballed out of control...

[Goondoit]

Ok you've got in quite deep but it's not to late! Congrats on your wedding!

I understand the wedding you want it sounds lovely but your friends don't seem to grasp it! It's your wedding they can like it or lump it not as if your asking them to shell out to go to bloody maui or whatever

So you need to think what do YOU want
If I was you I'd message them all and say "I've looked into evening parties and it's just not "us" were going to leave it....how about you 3 go out partying after the hotel" end of discussion

Hen do I would take into my own hands and do something just to shut them up. A spa break. Get on spa breaks . com find a deal message them your mum mil any sisters or other friends and say here is the hen who wants to come then phone the hotel and book on. unless you absolutely do not want any hen then tell them in that message oh btw no hen do either thanks but no thanks

Your wedding sounds perfect remember it's about you and dh no one else.

[isthismummy]

Thankyou goondoit. I thought my wedding sounded pretty good as well

I feel like they don't quite understand. I've even apologised a few times for being a shit bride.

It's not about amazing pictures and swanning around London for the day. When I was younger I would have thought it was, but not now.

Time to put on my big girl pants and send that group email today I think. Just really hope nobody is offended

[Chasingsquirrels]

Our original plan was 11am ceremony and lunch at a local hotel, 12-ish guests - immediate family only (as in parents, children and siblings). Nothing afterwards. No hen or stag parties. No one, including my 2 very close friends who weren't invited, were anything but thrilled for us.

Do what YOU & YOUR PARTNER want @isthismummy

[CigarsofthePharoahs]

Your wedding, as you planned it, sounds lovely!
I think you're just going to have to be firm. You don't have to have an evening do or a hen night if you don't want. It's your wedding, not theirs!
Tell them that you're really touched that they want to do so much, but you really don't have the budget to do more than you originally planned. Stick to it.
I know someone who got steamrolled into a much bigger affair than she wanted - all by very well meaning people! It got stressful and she didn't enjoy it as it wasn't what she wanted.

[Mamabear14]

We had this. We originally booked a huge stately home to appease all people, then realised we didn't want that and DP didn't want an evening do. Then we moved into a money pit and couldn't afford that anyway so decided to elope. Now everyone is annoyed at us but I'm past worrying.
If you don't do it the way you want you will regret it, so make it as you want, and if they don't like it they can bloody well lump it.

[isthismummy]

You're so lucky Chasingsquirrals.

It should be about what we want. Not inviting people I'm not even arsed about to a night do to cover an inflated bar tab (that we would have to make up difference on)

[TroysMammy]

Congratulations. Your wedding sounds perfect. It's your wedding, you have what you want. If your friends want a "proper" party with dancing I'm sure you won't stop them going onto another venue later in the day. You stick to your guns and you and your H2B enjoy your day.

[Goondoit]

Isthismummy gutted for them if they get offended... they'll soon grow up and realise
It's not their wedding. Firm but fair
Thank them for all their help and advice but after much soul searching your going to have this wedding how you imagined it "xyz" sorry if anyone is dissapointed by this but I'm sure you can appreciate ill only do this once and want to look back happy I did it my way

[PollytheDolly]

Your wedding sounds better than theirs

Don't let them take over. Good luck with the email and if they don't like it, tough shit really...

Keep us posted

[Laiste]

Echo all the advice and wish you strength for the email. Do you need help with wording?

I know exactly how you feel as i too had a small wedding - more interested in having just a few people who we both cared about in a nice setting. No evening piss up.

It was hard to stick to our guns.

[Babbaganush]

Go back to what you want!!! You have let them hijack things and it's time to take back control, those who can't accept what you want are not true friends. If they decide to walk away in a huff - let them and enjoy your wedding the way you want it.

[PollytheDolly]

We eloped too Mamabear. Was absolutely a beautiful and fantastic day. Just us and the dog. 4 days at the venue, no stress, looked after and spoilt by the staff who organised everything.

You can have guests there but very limited. We opted not to.

[isthismummy]

Thank you everyone.

I'm really scared they do walk away in a huff though and I have no friends at my wedding

Winner why the small and simple wedding plan offends people so much? So odd.

[DuggeeHugs]

It isn't inevitable and YANBU to tell them, in the nicest possible way, to back off.

You've booked the wedding day that you and DP both want. You don't want a hen. Both of those things are totally reasonable so stand firm.

[isthismummy]

That sounds lovely PollytheDolly

[YessicaHaircut]

Poor you OP

IME people get very excited by the planning around a wedding and can get a bit over involved. They are projecting what they would want for their own wedding onto yours.

It's brilliant that you have supportive friends and they want to help you, but you need to be crystal clear about what you and your fiancé want to happen. Don't feel bad if what you want isn't what they want, everything should be how YOU want it and this shouldn't be causing you stress!

WRT evening do, just make it clear you guys are not having one; your friends can have a night out together afterwards if that's what they want. If you are happy for your friends to be your bridesmaids then go with it, but if dresses haven't been bought yet etc it's not too late to change your mind. Or just keep it all very casual, e.g. Give them a colour scheme for dresses etc and let them all pick their own, not matching. This can look really lovely and IMO looks better than 4 women all in the same frock!

With your hen do, maybe you need to just shut it down if you don't want one, or just organise a very low key evening out via Facebook.

Above all this stuff should not be causing you stress! And if it is you need to have a gentle word telling your friends to take a step back. Have a fantastic wedding.

[PollytheDolly]

That sounds lovely PollytheDolly

http://www.millbrookestate.co.uk/


Here's a link. Honestly, couldn't fault it.

[CheckpointCharlie2]

Op you say you don't want anyone to be offended but they are not worried about offending you by forcing you to do stuff you don't want! Why do their feelings trump yours!? Answer - they don't.

Yy to big girl pants and send your email in no uncertain terms, don't beat around the bush, be clear and concise and no apologies at all.

[CheckpointCharlie2]

And if they walk away in a huff, tough shit, their choice. I don't think they are particularly friendly people by the sounds of it!!!

[DontTouchTheMoustache]

Are they married? Wondering if they are somehow trying to live vicariously through you or something. This is what puts me off the idea of getting married, it seems to become about pleasing other people. Personally I'd hate to have all that attention focused on me and would probably have a bloody panic attack. Eloping sounds like heaven to me. If you are worried about upsetting them (which you shouldn't be as it's NOT about them) try wording it along the lines of "it really appreciate what you are trying to do, I know you are trying to help but it's just not what we want"
Definitely stop apologising for being a "shit bride", your wedding is not public property you and they have no right to have expectations of you. Also by saying that you might be giving them the idea that you want a bigger do but can't cope with the organisation so they are doing it for you....

[MimiSunshine]

Okay your friends especially C are excited and want to be involved but clearly have very set ideas on what a wedding "should" be.

They / C have made it all about them, they want to dance / party etc and feel like they want to 'make the most' of the event. To you, you already were.

Your friend getting up and walking out of a venue that you didn't like is just weird, was it her house and you were massively insulting? 😉

Go back to your original plan, send them all an email / whatsapp etc and say: thank you for all of your help so far and enthusiastic ideas but you and fiancé have decided to stick to your original plans and the wedding ceremony will be at X followed by afternoon tea at Y.
You'd really rather not have a 'traditional' hen do but you'd love to get together for [insert lunch / drinks / pamper treatment/ pizza & pjs / activity of your choice] on Z date / choice of dates if they're free?

Then dont be rail roaded anymore, they want an evening do, they can go out together if they like. If they can't / won't come without one we'll that's their (crappy) choice

[isthismummy]

I think there's a lot of projecting going on for sure YessicaHaircut.

Regarding night do. I'm not even averse to going on somewhere afterwards. I'm just averse to hiring a grand minimum bar spend place and fretting about guest lists of people I'm not even bothered about.

I do appreciate their support. They are wonderful people.I just need to wrestle back some control of the situation. I'm too passive for my own good sometimes.