I hate my MILs house(152 Posts)
Apologies if this is long but need to off load it's been on my mind for the last 9 months.
I literally cannot stand going to my MILs house! I met OH 2 and a half years ago we get on great and I love him so much. Me and my MIL got on great had a wonderful relationship and could chat about almost anything. I was living with my dad and my OH spent most nights there with me. My MIL has a boyfriend she does not live with he's a nice man they spend most nights of the week at each other's houses.
I found out I was pregnant and I delivered a beautiful dd summer last year. Just before I gave birth we moved all of my stuff into my MILs place and I was living out of an over night bag at my dads waiting for the big arrival (I wanted to be at my dads before I gave birth I had a tough pregnancy and OH was working and MIL was away) I ended up being induced.. I literally went to bed at my dads house for the last time with no baby and then brought my dd back to my MILs house.
It was almost like there was this little black cloud waiting for me on the door step when I got back there (my labour and birth were pretty traumatic) MIL sat over me from the min we got through the door I wanted to take my new daughter upstairs to bf but she wouldn't let me and insisted I did it in front of her I was still getting to grips with it as soon as i finished feeding her my mil scooped her up and settled on the sofa with her.. I won't lie it hurt a lot. My best friend came over (she was invited) and MIL didn't give us a moment of privacy she also wouldn't let my best friend hold my daughter I had to sternly tell her to give my baby back so I could hand her over. The evening continues she burst into our room in the middle of the night when I was feeding my daughter and in the morning she walked in and scooped my baby out of her Moses basket and took her into her room and shut the door. I felt devastated. I had stitches from front to back but I didn't care I put my baby in her pram
And walked the mile and half to my dads house my OH came with me. About an hour later she sent me a text asking where I was with HER granddaughter. I bluntly replied that I was visiting my dad she told me to get home.
I went back and turned out she had invited my BIL and SIL to stay for a few days (they don't live locally and i have only met them a hand full of times) as soon as I walked in i was ordered to hand over my dd I was only to hold my baby if I was feeding her. My SIL even took my baby in the morning and put her in bed with herself and BIL.. I didn't like it one bit but I felt abit outnumbered and intimidated. They stayed for 3 days and i wasn't allowed to take my dd to see any of my family and MIL practically banned my dad from her house when he did visit for 10 mins she lurked the whole time and mumbled how she didn't want him there and he was intruding.
We were living at MILs and she works more and she has the BF so she said she often wouldn't be home we were saving for a mortgage.. we paid MIL rent and paid towards bills we did our own cooking and I did all the housework for her and often prepared meals for her we weren't getting a free ride nor did we expect one.
About a week and a half since my daughter was born MIL came home from work and announced she hated her job and she would be taking 6 months off as sick because she wanted to spend some time with her baby I remember feeling sick and on the edge of a full blown panic attack. About half the week she stayed at her boyfriends (she didn't want to) so the days she wasn't there is wasn't so bad (not that she should of had to leave her own house of course) even when she wasn't there I cried every day until finally one night when my baby was sleeping and OH got home from work I crumpled on the lounge floor and just sobbed and sobbed OH didn't know what to do we talked about it he called my dad and my dad offered us to move back with him short term.. it wasn't in our plan but I couldn't say no I just HAD to get out.
Things improved and me and OH got our own place and we have since set up some boundaries. MIL pushed us into taking the first thing we saw because she hated us living with my dad and said it wasn't fair he was getting more time with the baby (this wasn't true my dad did give us our own space I know people will think I am biased but that's the honest truth.
Things are going great my baby is almost 10 months old she's healthy and she's happy.. I stopped BF at MILS after BIL and SIL left i tried for a few more days but I had missed so much of my dd first days the bond wasn't there I didn't feel right it broke my heart and I cried when I gave her that first bottle of formula (not that there's anything wrong with bottle feeding)
Thing is, I HATE going to visit my MILs house and always have since moving out of there it's almost like that little black cloud is still there waiting at the door. If my OH suggests popping in there on our way home I feel really put out and the anxiety sets in my heart feels jittery. Once I am there I know I am very stand offish and I cling to my baby now she's older she does tend to prefer me as well so these days I don't feel so much like I am the one being possessive even though I kind of am. I will only ever stay a maximum of an hour even if I don't have dd with me I still hate going there. I do however not mind my MIL coming to my house or meeting her out and about. We still have some problems but I do not avoid her.
Problems we are still having are abit silly but it really hurts me, she refuses to acknowledge me as my dd mother she always refers to her as MY granddaughter or OHs baby. She has a spare bedroom which she has recently told me is my DDs bedroom incase she wants to live with nanny when she's a little older (why would she want to live with her yeh she may want to stay there i accept that) she gets angry with me if anyone else babysits my dd even if she is not free to do so herself (i don't have many people babysit only people I am close to) she badmouths my dad all the time it's hurtful my dad is a goodman who has been through a lot he's the kind of bloke who will do anything or anyone including her.. and she has let him i almost feel like she has a laugh at his expense sometimes. There are a couple of other things but it's starts getting abit pretty like when she bought all the stuff she knew I wanted to buy dd for Christmas.. she actually asked me what I was getting her (not much you can buy a 6 month old) and she went out and brought it all (maybe she was trying to help)
Despite all this I do try and keep the relationship good I don't want dd to miss out of her gm my own mother passed away a couple of years ago so I understand how important these relationships are however I do wish she would respect that mine and dd relationship is also important. I do always text or call her atleast every other day and I make a point of arranging to meet or inviting her round atleast once a week.
Why do I still feel like this about her house in particular? My dad thinks it's because that's where I was when I was at my lowest point.
I reckon you have PTSD from having your baby taken away from you.
Maybe see a doctor (I'm on meds for PTSD after workplace bullying, they help immensely). Maybe accept that her house is a 'trigger' for you anxiety and just don't go there.
Tearing a tiny baby from her mother's arms and refusing to give her back is pretty cuntish behaviour. Brutal. You son't need to see your MiL. She's lost your trust and shown you who she really is. You don't have to visit.
You were a new mum, first baby, and you got bullied and made to feel like it was HER child, not yours. Her and SIL taking your child off you and then shutting you out of the room they had her in is disgraceful. That your OH didn't barge straight in and take her back from them and give her back to you is beyond me (unless he physically wasn't there). I appreciate you probably felt you couldn't do that because you were in her house, and fairly immobile after the stitches. Honestly it sounds like your MIL saw you as an incubator to give HER a baby because her son couldn't physically grow and give birth to one.
No mother deserves to be treated like this, it makes me so sad and angry reading that you had her physically taken from you, aren't acknowledged as her mother and that you feel you missed out on the bond you should have been allowed to make with your daughter, they took her from you for so long it made you unable to breastfeed, that's appalling. The fact she's already kitted her out her own room and is even thinking she might live with her and not her loving parents actually scares me. I think she genuinely sees your daughter as belonging to her, and i wouldn't allow any unsupervised visits or babysitting as who knows what other things she might try to take over. Things like first solids (not sure if 10 month olds eat solid foods or not?) or trying new foods, "helping" her walk so her first steps are with her, repeatedly saying nana or similar to her trying to be her first word, and who knows what else.
Your DP needs to have serious words with her. She sounds bloody awful
Your dad is spot on.
You were treated appallingly! You would be perfectly entitled to go no contact with this toxic lady untill she treats you with the respect you deserve as the mother of YOUR daughter and her grandchild.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you OP! You are under no obligation to go over there ever again and if MIL wants to see DD. It should be on your terms. I would make that ubuntantly clear. If I were you and I'd keep my distance from that house. I'd also let whoever I bloody well liked babysit my child. Your MIL can just deal with that! Perhaps if she treated you better in the beginning you would have been more inclined to see her more often.
Don't be afraid to tell this horrible lady exactly how she made you feel and why you are making these choices now. She needs to know that what she did was unforgivable and how it made you feel.
The MiL sounds slightly unhinged, too.
Never leave your baby with her unless there's some one else (responsible) around.
Your dad sounds cool, BTW.
My MiL did this to me, although less aggressively, for 6 months while our house was being fixed up. Taking my baby, intruding on personal space, all under the guise of 'helping out'. I love the woman dearly, but I cannot stand going to her house or seeing her with my son, and I will never forgive her for the time she stole from me.
You have my sympathies and understanding.
Sorry think i miscalculated and DD is 8 months? Quite honestly, i'd temporarily ban her from seeing your DD, and tell her until she calms her behaviour and stops being controlling and acting like it's her child she won't be seeing her. I'd make it very well known how you feel about the things she did in your daughters first days/weeks, and that you expect a genuine apology. When, and ONLY when she gave a genuine apology and toned down her controlling entitlement, would i start allowing her to come and visit, but i wouldn't ever voluntarily go to her house again. If she started trying to take over again, take the baby from her and ask her to leave. She needs to learn she is not her mother, she had her child, got to experience all the firsts, the milestones, etc, and now it is your turn.
Sorry dd is 8 months old!
Thank you for all your replies.. I can never understand why I let myself get pushed around I'm a pretty strong person, I'm late 20s so not a teenager.
It did feel like the bond had been damaged in the beginning but now me and dd have a great bond she's definitely got to the age where she prefers me and OH over anyone else (I'm secretly loving this stage) but she is happy to go to other people.
OH does stand up for me to a degree but it's like he doesn't see everything as a whole he sees all these things as separate incidences and no 2 things are linked for me it's just been 8 months of hell.
If I told her what I thought or went no contact and stopped her from seeing dd she would cry. I did have words with her once I said if it was such a big deal who I get to babysit then nobody would be babysitting and I just wouldn't go anywhere without dd she told my OH that I said she wasn't allowed to see her granddaughter anymore and bawled her eyes out (I swear, as much as I wanted to I didn't say that)
My relationship with MIL, BIL and SIL has suffered tremendously as a result of this I can barely look any of them in the face and on the occasions I am forced to interact with all 3 at once I feel anger and anxiety immensely so much it's numbing.. I didn't drink a drop of alcohol Christmas Day or Boxing Day but I also dont remember much about it she forced us to her house and it's like I do what I can to blank it out. I did invite them all to ours but Im starting to believe she can sense how uncomfortable and out of my depth I feel at hers. Another thing she does which I absolutely hate is takes photos of everyone else with my daughter like she did on her first Christmas but she never took one photo of me with her she puts photos of everyone around the house but not one of me yet SIL, BIL and dd have pride of place on the mantel even OH isn't up there out there are photos of him and dd around. I know that sounds petty but it does crush me .
Oh OP, for you, that sounds AWFUL, I'm so so sorry.
I'm not at all surprised at how you feel towards your MIL and MIL's house. Taking a newborn away from her mother without permission and shutting the door is just terrible. Who bans a brand-new mother from her own baby?!?
I agree with PP's that you should talk to your doctor about PND and/or PTSD. With a difficult birth and such a traumatic first few weeks, it would be no surprise that you need a little extra support.
Your MIL sounds quite toxic and perhaps narcissistic. Or at best, very misguided, I'm no expert. But either way you need to set some firm boundaries and your OH needs to back you up 100%. In fact it would be best if he deals with his mother as much as possible in future. And if you're happier meeting her at your own house or neutral ground in future, it's your prerogative to insist on that.
Big hugs to you and I hope you get the support you need.
She sounds highly toxic. I never say this but I think you should go no contact and cut her out. Your life will be much better for it and she gets her just desserts for being a complete cunt.
I understand exactly what you mean apart from thankfully I didn't live there and my DH stood up for me but a lot of what you said I can totally identify with. It's helped me to think - would I put up with it from any other person? Would I help! Yes I will still see her because I was my child to have links with family but I don't owe her any more than that. You don't need to visit this woman's house, you don't need to honour her as a grandparent until she starts acting like one- which doesn't involve taking the baby, it involves supporting the parents to in their child rearing, not taking over. I haven't forgiven and forgotten in my situation and still get the same jittery anxious feeling too,
That is horrendous. I am furious on your behalf
I agree with almost you really need to push back
And don't go to her house until, you feel comfortable with it. (Probably never)
Go nc with her. Yes she will cry but she will get over it.
The comment about the room and your dd wanting to live there is alarming. Sounds like she intends to destroy your relationship with her. For all your sakes go nc.
If she wants a child then her dd can give her one.
Actually I think your OH sounds pretty caring - I don't think men get that physical need to be with your baby so he probably saw it as her helping out at first and possibly noticed your anxiety but didn't put the two together so was more inclined to let her 'give you a break'. Once he saw how upset you were and realised why, he worked with you to solve it by moving away. I think you need to talk to him again and tell him exactly how you feel and I agree about the pts too, perhaps even just getting this confirmed by a doctor would help him see how serious it is
One thing that strikes me from your second post is that you are still considered her needs- 'she would cry', so?? Let her cry! That's really not your problem and I'm a real people pleaser who would normally hate upsetting people. She forced you to go to hers for Christmas, don't let her. I'm not for one minute saying it is your fault, the woman seems unhinged, but you need to be more firm, unless she kidnapped you she cannot force you anywhere. What would be the worst that could happen, she takes the humph and ignores you? Sounds perfect!
I think you are still so traumatised from her hideous behaviour at the start that you unknowingly are allowing her to still have control. Baby is yours, you and OH get to decide who babysits, where you spent Christmas, the lot and if she doesn't like it, tough.
You sound like a lovely person and I'm glad it's better now but you need to be firmer for your own sanity, if going there makes you feel that bad, just don't. And please talk to your OH as it doesn't sound like he gets how much of an effoct this is still having on you. Good luck xx
Make a promise to yourself not to do anything you're not 100% comfortable with anymore.
And let your dad see as much of you DD as you want - that sounds like a family bond worth investing in.
Personally, I'd cut back on contact with your MIL to the absolute bare minimum and not give it a second thought after what she's put you through. She ought to be ashamed of her behaviour.
Let her cry her little crocodile tears! Tell her you will go round to see her when she learns how to behave appropriately with your DD and treat you with a bit of respect. Tell her she has decorated her spare room for nothing because, until that happens, your DD will not be staying there.
It made me feel sick reading your op and imagining either of mine being taken from me as newborns.
I understand if you don't want to go nc for your dd's sake but don't do it for your mil - so what if she cries? What is that in comparison to how she has made you feel? At the very least you need to put more boundaries in place so she can't continue to make you feel that way. For example, don't continue to go to her house but only see her at yours. You say she forced you to her house at Christmas but how? What power does she have over you?
How would you like to move forward with the situation?
It sounds absolutely dreadful for you and it is not at all petty to get upset about things which seem small but are part of a pattern of awful behaviour.
This is just awful (and I am a MiL).
Your baby, your rules.
I have a DGS and I never, ever picked him up from his cot before checking with my DD first. Please don't worry about upsetting your MiL and ignore all those crocodile tears too.
Oh I don't like the sound of her behaviour one little bit. YOu were just the incubator for her baby. Does she have any daughters of her own? As in, is the SIL you mention your OH's sister, or his brother's wife/partner?
I wouldn't have her in my home, and I wouldn't be visiting her again any time soon - but I'd worry what would happen when your OH took her to see his mother. Her behaviour is dismally overstepping (ha! more like blitzing) boundaries and it needs to be stopped - but if your OH doesn't have the balls to do it himself, then he shouldn't take your DD to see the bloody woman by himself either.
It's only going to get worse as your DD gets older and can understand what the woman is saying to her because she WILL undermine you at every opportunity. Don't let this happen to you.
you have been through a terrible time. It sounds as if you could do with some counselling if possible and some medication for depression. I agree with pps. So what if the woman cries. She made your life hell. Why are you putting her desires berfore your needs and your dds safety? If you go nc, she will have brought it upon herself. I think you would benefit from some kind of assertiveness training or reading up about it on line. Personally I'd not let mil have my dd on her own. I didn't let my mother have my dd much when she was little because of my childhood. I do now as she's proved a better grandmother than parent and because she knows what is expected of her - I've had lots of counselling to get to this point.
Did you post about this a few weeks ago? The details seem awfully familiar.
Oh you poor thing. You sound too nice for your own good. You say you text or ring her every other day! Stop. I don't think you should go nc (unless you want to) but I do think you should take a big step back and say no to things you don't want to do. My mil always hogged my newborn dd when she visited and I absolutely hated it, and she was only visiting! She's taken a lot from you under the guise of helping. She knew what she was doing though
You don't have to go to her house and you don't have to listen to her rules.
I actually felt really emotional reading your post, it's awful how she behaved/behaves towards you and I don't blame you for feeling how you do.
I wouldn't let her get away with it though, she sounds really possessive and a little bit frightening to be honest but you need to stand up to her and really really really really enforce those boundaries.
She over stepped the mark when you first brought your daughter home and being disrespectful to your dad is an instant black mark in my book, how dare she?
I can't imagine how vulnerable you must have felt in those early days as a new mum being parted from your baby, it must have been truly horrendous for you but don't let it continue - Tell her to back off.
You sound like a saint to be prepared to tolerate her at any level, I just couldn't bite my tongue with someone like that; It's cruel what she has done, taking vindictive to a whole new level.
Stick with your dad, put your foot down with her and do what is best for you and your baby.
She sounds absolutely vile and toxic, and I would have nothing more to do with her. Taking your baby away and breaking that bond with her mother is absolutely vile, she and her daughter ruined bf for you. And made what should have been a wonderful and exciting time, extremely traumatic. Your dh should have been onto her like a a rash.i would ask GP for counselling, and go nc with her, how she treats you and your lovely dad is unacceptable!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.