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Aibu or is dh - kids and evenings

(97 Posts)
ScaredyCat42 Sat 11-Feb-17 22:42:38

Not sure how to word this but basically I suppose I'd like to know what the expected routine and behaviour is for your kids? I have a DS aged 9 and a dd aged 12. DS goes to up to his room at 8pm plays on his ipad and then settles down around 8.3pm. I help him get undressed and do his teeth and tell him when to settle down. He is pretty good and goes to sleep very quickly after this without coming downstairs or getting up. Dd stays up in her room more often than not but tends to find quite a few excuses to be up after she should have settled (between 9.30 and 10pm) ie, asking for a drink, or a plaster or anything really! My dh gets really annoyed at any interruptions after their bedtime, so he thinks at 8.3pm it should be a quick call up to tell Ds to go to sleep and is irritated if Ds asks for a cuddle or a drink. He also thinks once dd has gone up we should not hear from her again. Is this normal? I argue kids aren't programmed robots and don't always settle straight away and need a bit of time and attention but dh says I give too much time to them and I'm too soft. AIBU or is he?

Wolfiefan Sat 11-Feb-17 22:44:27

Once it's bedtime it's bedtime here. That's it. I would be annoyed if my kids kept coming down for no real reason.
You undress a 9 year old? Really?!?!

ScaredyCat42 Sat 11-Feb-17 22:46:06

Yep, bad habit there admittedly.

KittyWindbag Sat 11-Feb-17 22:49:22

I think your hudband is right, you make your kids sound like very young children! They're 9 and 12, so your daughter is at secondary school. They sound a bit babyish, asking for drinks and plasters etc. just say goodnight with a kiss and leave them to it.

0hCrepe Sat 11-Feb-17 22:49:34

Mine are 10 and 12. Ds 12 still needs telling to clean his teeth! They both still get all chattery at bedtime but I like it. They come and play with their baby sister when I put her to bed. They would get on with it on their own but too slowly/late. I do all stuff like hotties and drinks because I like it. Dh not grumpy about it though and does anything if asked.

ChocoChou Sat 11-Feb-17 22:49:56

DS12 will be in another room on iPad or whatever and come bedtime (9:15) I call to him, "bedtime bring me your gadgets" then its goodnight kisses and he's off upstairs. He takes a bottle of water with him and we don't hear from him again.
admittedly he isn't the greatest at remembering to brush his teeth though :-S

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts Sat 11-Feb-17 22:51:58

My dd's are 8 and 4 - bedtime is bedtime. I ask them to go toilet, brush teeth and put pj's on. They then get a story. Dd2 goes to bed first while dd1 reads downstairs for half hour then she goes to bed. Both tucked in at 730/8 and I don't expect to hear them back out of bed after 830. Only time they come downstairs has been after a nightmare or feeling unwell.

The evenings are my time to unwind, I wouldn't be impressed with them being up and down. Weekends/holidays are different - they stay up later but then sleep later in the morning smile

DJKKSlider Sat 11-Feb-17 22:52:17

I'd let DD stay up later at weekends.
Let her get a drink or whatever at 9pm then she goes up and stays there, sleeps when shes ready.
Maybe just expect her to get to sleep by 10pm on weekday. (Dependant on what time you have to get up in te morning obviously)

I have to say, if my partner started treating our kids like their inconveniencing her or are interrupting her watching Top Gear or whatever, I'd have more issue with that than my DD getting a drink. Iyswim.

ScaredyCat42 Sat 11-Feb-17 22:56:57

I admit I am guilty of babying ds and I need to get him to do more stuff on his own. Dd only asks for drinks or whatever because she wants an excuse to see us I suppose. I've never insisted she ask to get a drink or whatever it may be. Maybe I have been a bit harsh on dh. Which is a pain because I'm sat down here in a grump and he's upstairs in a strop!

Crumbs1 Sat 11-Feb-17 23:04:24

He has a point. Secondary age pupils should be able to put themselves to bed without needing attention. A nine year old should be getting themself undressed and into bed.

MrsJayy Sat 11-Feb-17 23:05:07

You need to be a unitied front on this what a waste of a bloody night both of you in the huff when it is bedtime it is bedtime get drinks or whatever and go to bed i agree with your dh , oh and in a couple of years your son will be in secondary school stop getting him ready for bed .

0hCrepe Sat 11-Feb-17 23:07:19

are they finding excuses to come down? Or is it genuine wanting a cuddle/drink? If latter then I don't see what the prob is. I love having the dc around. They'll be grown up soon!

Flisstizzy Sat 11-Feb-17 23:11:06

My ds is 11 and not babyish at all, however he will not stay in bed. He thinks he's missing out on something and comes down time & time again. Drives me mad.

FeckinCrutches Sat 11-Feb-17 23:16:12

I'm gobsmacked you are undressing a 9yo and brushing his teeth shock my 4yo gets into her pyjamas herself!

FeckinCrutches Sat 11-Feb-17 23:17:07

And why are they coming down for drinks?

NapQueen Sat 11-Feb-17 23:18:29

You undress a 9yo?!?! Dd is 5 and I seriously can't remember the last time I helped with any of her clothes. That is fucking nuts.

NapQueen Sat 11-Feb-17 23:19:11

And why can't they take a cup or waterbottle into the bathroom and full it themselves during the evening/night?

NapQueen Sat 11-Feb-17 23:19:34

You do his teeth?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 11-Feb-17 23:21:02

I would expect a 9 and 12yo to be able to get themselves totally ready but I would if possible covertly supervise tooth brushing.

I would go up and say goodnight rather than a shout up the stairs but I wouldbnot tollerate nonsence after that.

Dragongirl10 Sat 11-Feb-17 23:21:23

My 9 yr old goes up at 7.45pm on school nights, washes hands, brushes teeth, puts on pajamas and reads for 10 mins , l go up and lie with him for 10 mins to chat to him and check he is happy then kiss goodnight and off he goes to sleep at just after 8pm.( He is up at 6am though, dresses himself for school and goes and gets his breakfast, l get downstairs at 6.30am)

He would only come down if ill or had a nightmare. l am rather done with child stuff by then and want adult time!

FenellaMaxwellsPony Sat 11-Feb-17 23:22:34

I am actually shock that you are undressing a 9 year old and doing his teeth!! And at 12 your DD is old enough to be told not to ask daft questions, sort herself out and go to bed. Your DH is very right here.

Cherrysoup Sat 11-Feb-17 23:23:15

You help your 9year old get undressed? Strikes me as a bit babying him.

RubyWinterstorm Sat 11-Feb-17 23:26:27

I went to this child psychologist parent evening last week for year 7s (so age 11/12) and apparently it is quite normal for kids to want a bit of your undivided attention before bed (as you are not distracted by other things/phone/MN etc) and that thrir brain is changing wuickly die to hormones and they crave a bit of parental 121 attention.

Give and take.

Maybe set 5-10mins asside but then that's it?

heymammy Sat 11-Feb-17 23:26:32

On the flip side though...in a few short years your dd won't have a 'bedtime', how is your dh planning on coping with that? He needs to get a grip a wee bit and deal with the fact that your kids aren't 2 years old anymore. Does your dh generally find dealing with the dc hard or is it just after bedtime?

Surely 12 year olds don't get 'put to bed'? My dd1 is 13 and does have quite a set routine at bedtime (this is self imposed btw) but I dont get my knickers in a twist if she comes back down for any reason.

HarryPottersMagicWand Sat 11-Feb-17 23:28:56

I have a 9 year old, I wouldn't dream of getting him dressed!

I am with your DH, bedtime is bedtime and barring an emergency, I don't want to see or hear from them until the morning. Doesn't happen at the moment, wenare getting a lot of pissing around and it's really annoying both of us but as we have a younger child, some allowances are made although we are firm at bedtime that we expect them to stay there, quietly.

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