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AIBU to ask why I am always excluded?

(16 Posts)
Iwintheunpopulaitycontest Sat 11-Feb-17 20:15:48

I was excited earlier when a colleague texted me to ask if I wanted a ticket to an event that is happening in the summer. It was lovely to think that I was being included in something! Have now found out that the closing date for the event has already passed and I am only now being included because someone's partner can no longer go. This colleague has spoken to me before about how mean it is to leave people out but this is exactly what has happened here since I was not included initially. Feel really shitty. I work mainly in my own little room apart from the rest of my department so already feel isolated and this has just rubbed salt in the wound.
I never seem to be accepted I just don't know what is wrong with me.

TheDisreputableDog Sat 11-Feb-17 20:34:32

Maybe they just don't know you very well? I guess you miss out on office chatter and 'banter' if you're shut away in a room. Do you chat with them at lunch/making coffee etc?
Are you able to move your desk to the main office?

I'd accept the invite and give them a chance to get to know you. Maybe look for a hobby where you can meet people too. I joined a local ladies running club and it's been a great way to get to know some new people.

NancyDonahue Sat 11-Feb-17 20:34:51

That's pretty shitty. I presume you'll be paying for the privilege?

Rainbowqueeen Sat 11-Feb-17 20:36:47

flowers. That must feel really crap

But there is nothing wrong with you. I think we tend to forget how self absorbed a lot of people are and how much 'out of sight out of mind' impacts on things.

If you sit in a different area, is there a tea room to make yourself a drink?can you work out what time other peop,e tend to go in and go in at the same time so you can chat while you make your tea.

I am also very isolated at work but have found that this helps a lot. It also takes time.

You sound lovely, go along, enjoy yourself and you might find that you are included more from now on.

Iwintheunpopulaitycontest Sat 11-Feb-17 20:54:29

You are all very kind - but there is obviously something very lacking in me. It's not a one off it happens all the time.
My daughter is being my cheerleader at the moment telling me that I am wonderful and telling me that I must not let it upset me.
This is my third year and I really tried for the first two. This year I am finding it hard to be the one that always has to make the effort to go and make conversation.
I was always told growing up that people only chose to be with me if they had nothing better to do and I think that now it has almost become a self fulfilling prophecy. Or maybe
my family could just recognise how awful I really am.

haveacupoftea Sat 11-Feb-17 21:00:16

I am always excluded at work tbh I havent ever seen it as a bad thing confused I wouldnt to hang around with workmates.

You just need to find your people OP. You will, one day.

Livelovebehappy Sat 11-Feb-17 21:09:10

I really think it's probabally more to do with the fact that you are in a room away from the rest of the team. Obviously you won't be part of the office banter so a case of out of sight, out of mind. I used to work in an office alone, and did feel pretty isolated and not involved. We've changed buildings and I work with the others now, and really enjoy it. The other way you could look at it, is to just accept that you go to work to work, and whilst it's nice to form friendships there, just view it as your workplace; somewhere you go to earn money. Just focus on your out of work friendships. Workplace friendships can be quite flakey TBH, ive worked with people who I've considered to be close friends, only to move offices or teams and never really see or hear from them again.

BifsWif Sat 11-Feb-17 21:24:14

I know it's a horrible feeling, believe me, but when the other person dropped out they could have asked someone else, or chosen to just lose the money even, but they have asked you. Belatedly, I admit, but they have invited you now and it's a perfect opportunity to get to know them and vice versa. If they really didn't like you, they wouldn't have asked you no matter how many tickets were going spare.

MooseyMouse Sat 11-Feb-17 21:25:41

I completely understand.

My DP and I are excluded from virtually everything and it really stings. It's not you - some people are thoughtless, self absorbed, or deliberately hurtful.

The only thing that has helped me is to make myself focus on the people who do care about me and distance myself emotionally from those who don't.

melj1213 Sat 11-Feb-17 22:04:42

YABabitU ... if they didn't want to include you they wouldn't have asked you at all.

It's hard to include someone in a group if they are physically seperated from the rest of the group. A lot of the basis for work friendships is the amount of time you spend together, chatting and just getting to know each other in the office and it grows from seeing people all day every day ... if you're not in the office with them and only see them at certain times/breaks/lunches etc then you're going to be on the edge of the group rather than a central figure.

I have done this before ... planned something with a specific group - perhaps with a few work colleagues I'm close to or school/college/uni friends etc - someone's dropped out late on and we don't want to waste the ticket so invited someone who might be on the fringe of the group or that we get on with at work but haven't hung out with out of work very often (if at all). If they want to come, great we get to spend some time with them and maybe we'll find out that they are a great person and want to invite them again, if not then we'll invite someone else.

dontbesillyhenry Sat 11-Feb-17 23:10:23

I'm one of those who's excluded in all walks of life.
Found out recently uni friends had a meet up, wasn't invited despite the one who arranged it having chance to invite me the day before.
Work colleagues have little get togethers but that doesn't bother me. School mummies never invite me out. Old college pals have meet ups without me

Annie592 Sat 11-Feb-17 23:16:23

Are the people at work actually people you'd like to be friends with OP? I only ask as I had a similar situation at work for a while (except I'm not even segregated from them so don't even have that reason!), no- one was at all mean, and sometimes I'd get invited to things, but sometimes not, and I was never really a proper part of the group. It used to upset me a bit, but then I realised they were actually all really different to me- not that there's anything wrong with that- but just that I didn't have loads in common with them really. Since then I've relaxed about it, and have concentrated on my real out of work friends, and weirdly I actually get on much better with them now- not sure if I was coming across a bit needy before!

unfortunateevents Sat 11-Feb-17 23:20:14

Is everybody else from work going to this event? Or just some people? If the entire team are going and you were the only one not invited then that is pretty mean. However if someone bought 6 tickets for an event and invited that number of people form a team of 12 then I wouldn't get too upset about it.

DJKKSlider Sat 11-Feb-17 23:22:01

I'm an excludee too.

There seems to be a lot of us. Maybe there's something about us that emits vibes of leave us alone sort of thing?

Mind you, Im a grumpy fucker that does t really like other people, maybe I emit that vibe?

Hippee Sat 11-Feb-17 23:47:05

You need a best frind like mine - she tells me if I have pissed her off - it is fab. I was bullied at school by a girl who told me that no-one liked me, they just put up with me . I have always felt like that. But having a blunt friend, means that now I accept that she must like me, or she would tell me - and it has made me slightly less worried that everyone else finds me boring and would rather be elsewhere.

junebirthdaygirl Sat 11-Feb-17 23:53:43

I think that message ringing in your head is causing you to be more upset than is warranted. Could you have some counselling as these things can become a self fulfilling prophecy. I never go any where with work colleagues. I'm very friendly there but l have my own life and they have theirs. You were happy today before you got the invite now you are miserable. Could you just enjoy things as they come along and forget everything else. Maybe they are thoughtless but hey what do you care you are off to a concert. Just enjoy that occasion and forget the rest.

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