Aibu? Party invite

[Happysea]

Hi I may well be being totally unreasonable but I'm perplexed at what's going on and feel very sorry for my daughter. She was 7 yesterday. Last weekend she had a party that involved inviting 6 children to an activity and then to a pizza restaurant for tea. I've since found out that one of children had a party the weekend before for their birthday (my daughters invites were sent out over a month ago) with the same number of children but didn't invite my daughter.

My daughter shares her birthday with another of the girls she invited. I've found out via Facebook (I know, I know!) that this friend is having a party tomorrow with quite a few children in my daughters class but my daughter again isn't invited. I understand that these children may not have wanted to invite my daughter (fair enough) but why come to my daughters party last weekend? More so, I would feel awful as a parent sending my child to a small party gathering one week (it took 4 hours in total and included me driving them all there and back) but purposefully not inviting that child back to their own daughters? I do suffer from anxiety so I may well be unreasonable. I just want to know if this seems normal?

[Magzmarsh]

It's one of the hardest things to deal with when your dc are at school and you feel they're being excluded and left out.

I guess these children just have closer friends than your dd and she didn't make the cut.

I think it would have been worse for her if they hadn't come to her party but I get that it's quite galling when they don't reciprocate the invite.

It's a shitty part of life op

[Floggingmolly]

It's really mean spirited, but it is becoming more "acceptable", it seems. Get ready for the hordes telling you to suck it up, people can invite who they bloody well want to their party. Grown up mean girls...

[DelphineCormier]

I've done this. My reasoning being that as a single parent and not great lover of parties, I am not going big parties for DD. She absolutely does not take after me whatsoever in the social sense and is popular at school, also has lots of friends at Sunday school, extra curriculars etc. She gets more invites generally across the year than I am willing to have back. Often she'll get invited to weekend parties we can't make, but if we can, I send her. I then ask her who she would like to invite to her own party and tell her no more than a certain number. I do this because I think it's better for her to go even if we can't guarantee a party invite back than another child has no one/hardly anyone turn up to their party. Having been that child myself.

[ChessieFL]

YABU and this is completely normal! As long as your DD isn't the only one in her class being left out, which is just mean, then it's up to everyone who they invite. If another child, who wasn't invited to DD's party, invited her to their party would you refuse the invitation? It happens that your DD will invite people who don't invite her to theirs and vice versa.

[Floggingmolly]

You make it sound like you're providing a public service, Delphine

[Wolfiefan]

When it's your party you get to decide who to invite.
That's all. I'm not sure what you driving had to do with it.
You don't refuse invitations in case you don't invite these kids back.
I think you're being precious about this

[Floggingmolly]

It's the timings of the parties, Chessie, to be fair. One the week before and one the week after.

[Sallycinnamum]

You've got every right to be upset and if it was me I'd feel exactly the same.

I found out a couple of weeks ago, DS hadn't been invited to a party he'd previously been to for the last couple of years.

I know it was because the birthday boy's mum and I had a minor falling out last year but it was hard for my DS to understand and he was in tears.

Unfortunately alot of parents are arse holes and don't give a flying fuck about the feelings of small children.

I agree with the poster up thread who said it's one of the hardest things to deal with in the primary years.

[DelphineCormier]

FloggingMolly apologies if it came across that way, that wasn't the time I was aiming for. I was that child who had no one turn up to their party, I know how shitty that is. If DD wants to go then I send her, but I am not having a whole load of kids over for her party. Those kinds of situations stress me out and she's happy inviting a small number of close friends.

[omnishamblesssssssssssssss]

You've got it all wrong.

Usually a gift is what your child receives in exchange for holding a party. Your daughter goes not get a party invite in exchange for child's party invite. That's not how it works.

[bumsexatthebingo]

The same thing happened to me the other week but just 1 child. I was a bit as I'd always return an invitation but tbh I'm glad the child still came to my dc's party. I guess most people have to limit numbers.

[Slimmingsnake]

You have to learn to not care....each yr my kids had a party and just invited who they played with..usually 10 kids out of a class of 30...didn't cross my mind if the remaining 20 were upset to not come..that's life ... no way did we get 10 invites back per child to 10 parties,and thank god we didn't ,that would of meant 40 parties over a year..who's got time for that....parties ruin the weekend.always in the middle of the day ,meaning you can't go out anywhere,and leaving just one day to relax for the weekend..

[omnishamblesssssssssssssss]

Last year my DS was invited to 12 parties. There were 15 other class parties he didn't attend. He and I didn't care about the non invites. His party at home only had 5 children. I'm sure there will be some sour faced mothers at school. However id rather just invite a manageable amount of closest friends home.

[Slimmingsnake]

Also...Facebook...fantastic invention for making people feel crap/ left out/ not good enough / when compared to other people's lives..

[Happysea]

Thanks for the replies. Unfortunately she is very very rarely invited to anything. Never mind. I guess I just have to suck it up and grow a pair! Thanks for the honest answers - and those of you that really do try and make sure you don't hurt other children's feelings that's great. X

[Crumbs1]

My children were taught to invite the people they wanted to spend time with. The one rule being that if it was a large party then there was to be no excluding one or two. Other than that they chose. There was no expectation of a return invitation or a present. They invited and their invitees had the choice to accept or not. No angst no deeper meaning, just an invitation.

[Happysea]

Wilfiefan - the driving was because one of the mothers said could i possible drive her daughter to give her more time to get her jobs done

[NarkyMcDinkyChops]

I understand that these children may not have wanted to invite my daughter (fair enough) but why come to my daughters party last weekend?

Going to someones party doesn't mean you have to invite them to yours. Of course it would be nice to, but if this were strictly required you would have the same six girls going to each others parties and no-one elses!
And are you saying you would have preferred them not to come to dd's party if they weren't going to invite back? Wouldn't that have been worse for her?

[Slimmingsnake]

My eldest son an adult now, had a party every yr and never got an invite back..he's autistic ,half the time people accepted the invite and never turned up...it does make you harder as a parent with a younger sibling ,you develop a thick skin...you can't make people invite your child x I do understand it hurts thou xxx

[Guitargirl]

My DD had a sleepover party for her birthday this year - 6 friends were invited and came - our house can't hold any more than that. In between sending the invitations out and her actual party she was invited to another friend's party - a small group not large class party. This particular friend had not been invited to DD's party. We accepted the invitation and she went, was I not supposed to based on the fact that DD's friend was not invited to her party? Are we only supposed to go to parties now when we've issued reciprocal invitations?

[PotteringAlong]

My son had 10 people to his party. He gets invited to whole class parties and he attends those. Should I really have to hold a party for 30 people because others do or refuse invites because, inevitably, there were 20 others he didn't invite?

[RainbowsAndUnicorn]

Mine know if they accept an invite to someone else's party I expect them to be on the guest list for theirs. It's good manners.

[tinyterrors]

I can understand your point of view op, however, would you have preferred those two children to have declined your dd's invite? Just because your dd invited them to her party it doesn't mean they have to invite her to theirs. What about those dcs who don't have birthday parties? Should they not be allowed to go to anyone else's party because they can't reciprocate?

Quite a few children in my dd's class have had whole class parties and my dd has been. She's also been to quite a few smaller parties of friends. We can't afford the £200+ for a birthday party just after Christmas, or even a party for 20 children which we'd need to be able to reciprocate all the invites dd has had plus my other dcs and cousins, dd had to choose 5 friends from school to invite to her party. By your reasoning my dd should have declined most of the invites she'd received throughout the year.

You have a party to celebrate a birthday not to get reciprocal invites to birthday parties. It's a bit ott saying that these two children should have declined your dd's party as they didn't invite her to theirs. It's a bit rubbish not getting invited to a party but that's life, you explain that you can't go to every party and move on.

[nosyupnorth]

If it's a party with a small number of children it may just be that your child was number 7 on a list of friends when only six can be invited (for reasons of budget or how many kids the party organiser is prepared to deal with, especially at that age, or the best number for the activity involved). Reciprocal invitations are a nice idea but in reality a like for like exchange isn't always practical.

Unless you child is being routinely excluded I wouldn't make so much of just two parties.

[Boulshired]

It hurts harder when no invites are happening. It took three years until DS1 got invited as it to that long for the already formed pre school friendship groups to fracture and the children began creating their own friends rather than their parents choice. DD1 had the opposite of too many invites but the no invites really stung and stayed with me.