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AIBU to resent DP planning to give up work.

(181 Posts)
flopseyR72 Sat 11-Feb-17 12:32:01

I have to face decision again.

I feel resentful of my DP but don't know if AIBU or not?

In nutshell. DP is 54 not so keen on having more kids (he has 4 which 3 of which he is estranged from and one grown up one which he did not bring up). Anyway I pressured him to have one with me. I am now 41 and my DS is 1.5.

Anyway part of the loose agreement was he wanted to give up work he is a professional with own business. He makes good money but spends it all. No pension only property of his business. He wants to sell his business and live of the rent.

I am a professional but work practically full time. I have a relatively stress free job for my profession. Other jobs can be very stressful with long hours weekend work etc. The location I work in Essex/East London is not the nicest. I stay at this job for its relative stress free and favourable conditions. Some working from home allows me to have DD in work nursery only three days 9 to 5 and still earn full time pay.

Anyway to cut a story short. DP wants me to move to another location down south. Buy the property myself. He will contribute some living expenses from his property/business let. And I will work and commute to a new job. Property will be in my name

The thing is I feel like this is unfair. I want to keep our finances separate as I need to protect my DD from his estranged children if anything happened to DP as they would want a share of his estate. As these children seem to hate Dp this could be messy.

Anyway my problem is I feel like DP doesn't think about my stress. I don't really want to move to this part of the country which is basically near all his friends and family. My family is in Scotland. Why is it ok for him to stay at home on rent from his property. I will be financing my own house/childcare and still working. He does nothing in house but he wants to get a house in the country with land and dogs. I want to spend as much time with DD as possible and want her to have a good school/home life etc.

I feel like my DP is only thinking of himself and not me. What is he bringing to help me and DD? However, I am worried maybe I am being selfish and a coward. I feel so nervous about moving and changing jobs. I can't seem to ever make a decision just feel stressed all the time.

Any help clarity is appreciated. AIBU?

Creampastry Sat 11-Feb-17 12:35:08

Is he the father of your dd?

flopseyR72 Sat 11-Feb-17 12:35:37

yes he is the father

snapcrap Sat 11-Feb-17 12:35:52

Hold on when you say he wants to give up work, this actually means he will be the at home parent/main caregiver for your dd?

JenniferYellowHat1980 Sat 11-Feb-17 12:35:56

Well if he wants to move and you don't, he wants you to buy a new place in your name and expects to contribute to expenses only without lifting a finger, the answer is no, surely. Sounds like you're living the life of a single parent as it is.

flopseyR72 Sat 11-Feb-17 12:36:23

sorry should say Anyway I pressured him to have one with me. I am now 41 and our DD is 1.5.

Iamastonished Sat 11-Feb-17 12:37:08

He sounds rather selfish to me. Do you see much of a future with him?

flopseyR72 Sat 11-Feb-17 12:38:32

No I don't want him to be a stay at home dad. He is not patient enough. As it is I pay for nursery to put her in work when he is not at work. He only works three days at present. He is also not offering this service. In fact he says he will help more but he never does. All he does is shopping and cooking (and leaving the male kitchen carnage after)

PickAChew Sat 11-Feb-17 12:38:44

Yanbu. There is a lot more in this arrangement for him than for you.

And I'm wondering if there is a good reason why he's estranged from his older children.

Hellmouth Sat 11-Feb-17 12:38:51

YANBU, I wouldn't like this either.

If he's going to give up work, though, he should look after your DC, and then that will at least save you money on childcare.

gamerchick Sat 11-Feb-17 12:39:10

I wouldn't. To me just going from what you've posted, he has made some sort of plan to fund his future and a large part of it is you. No need for a pension.

He gave you the baby you wanted, this will be his reward,

Hellmouth Sat 11-Feb-17 12:39:20

Sorry, cross posted.
Just tell him no then smile

snapcrap Sat 11-Feb-17 12:39:29

Is he going to the main caregiver of your daughter?

If so and that was agreed before she was born, as you say it was, he's not doing anything wrong. And for your dd one of her parents is with her so that's good, right?

However all that aside, it doesn't sound like you like him very much let alone love him and the fact he's not involved with his other kids who also don't like doesn't make him sound like the nicest guy.

If your relationship is more an arrangement, why don't you just split up and keep your finances separately and live where you want to live.

Sonnet Sat 11-Feb-17 12:39:30

So he will be the stay at home caregiver?
All assets would be viewed was joint anyway in a divorce.

flopseyR72 Sat 11-Feb-17 12:39:51

I pay all the nursery care. I would rather be at home as much as possible with my DD. I only work as I have to and because my profession took years to qualify in and wold be silly to leave.

snapcrap Sat 11-Feb-17 12:40:41

Ok cross posted.

I would honestly LTB. He doesn't like kids, he didn't want another baby but you foolishly pushed him into it.

Sonnet Sat 11-Feb-17 12:40:49

But this is what you agreed?

happypoobum Sat 11-Feb-17 12:41:50

I guess you are finding out the hard way why he has such a grim relationship with his other DC.............

Let him go. Can you afford to stay where you are if he contributes 15% of his income for DD? His rental income counts.

flopseyR72 Sat 11-Feb-17 12:42:05

I would feel that I don't want him to be stay at home dad. I wish I could be a stay at home parent. I can't afford it though. I hate putting DD in nursery but this is what I feel I have to do for our future.

We are not married. I am not planning to marry him due to the asset problem if we die and his other estranged children.

happypoobum Sat 11-Feb-17 12:42:57

I don't think they are married sonnet

flopseyR72 Sat 11-Feb-17 12:44:02

i can afford to support me and DD on my own. As I worked quite far up my profession before I became older mother! Even though I always wanted kids earlier this is how my life worked out.

happypoobum Sat 11-Feb-17 12:44:27

No don't marry him!! And don't move and buy him a house to live in, where he may or may not offer you a few crumbs if he feels like it. He isn't even offering to retire and look after DD, he wants to swan around whilst you work FT and DD is in nursery FT yes?

Fuck that.

OurBlanche Sat 11-Feb-17 12:45:42

Wait! He wants you to move, at your own expense, find a new job, a house, bill etc - all at your own expense, and he will do what? Pop in every now and then for sex and a cup of tea, maybe offer up a penny or two, as and when?

OK. That sounds like a really good deal for both of you... no... wait...

You now know why he has no contact with his other kids. He is destined to a lonely old man. Leave him to it!

Iamastonished Sat 11-Feb-17 12:45:47

Why do you pay all the nursery care? You son is as much his as yours.

Maybe it is because you pressurised him to have a child he didn't want, so he feels that his son is not his responsibility?

I knew a couple of women who pushed their partners into being parents when they didn't want to. Neither relationship lasted.

Creampastry Sat 11-Feb-17 12:46:08

The fact he has 3 estranged children means walk away.

The fact he can't be xarsed to look after hus/your dd means walk away.

The fact he does fuck all means walk away.

Why would you be with a selfish man who is going to bleed you dry. He has no financial stability if he gives up work.

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