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MIL and birthday present and DH

(89 Posts)
Gobbolinothewitchscat Fri 10-Feb-17 23:32:33

This is probably going to be quite long and rambly

MIL is difficult - I am nkt going to get into the reasons, but you can advance search. DH goes between being supportive to reverting to pavlov's dog behaviour with her.

So. Today was my birthday. Very kindly, MIL looked after the DC (we have 3 aged 4 and under) so we could have two nights away. All very grateful. Back on Sunday night.

So normally I get a present from my birthday and a text. Received nothing apart from a Moonpig card with the most unflattering photo possible. Yesterday, we went to visit MIls estranged mother and I wondered if DH had told MIL and perhaps she was pissed of with us. FYI - this is nothing to do with the present. I don't want a bloody present but put me right back on edge with restarts to what was going on

Went out with DH for dinner wit a friend kindly baby sitting. Mentioned the lack of present and t text (these are huge things for MIL and we all need to text her before about 7:00am in the morning when it's her birthday). DH then inform me that I (not we) have apparently not sent a thank you card soon enough to MIL and a present after she looked after the DCs (we got home on Sunday night) and clearly this is why I have not got a present. I look 😳 and ask DH is he honestly being serious? That if my parents randomly decided not to give DH a present after 10 years of doing so, I would think it was totally unreasonable and unkind. Can he not see this? This would never happen, btw, as my parents (a) don't expect present for looking after the DCs and (b) treat their sons in law the same as their daughters (e.g. Don't just randomly ignore their birthdays and send passive aggressive cards) DH starts defending MIL.

I just got up and walked out of the restaurant.

I am literally so sickened. This is nothing to do wit a present per se. I don't want a present. But this awful passive aggressive, hurtful behaviour facilitated and excused by DH. I really cannot handle anymore of.

Am I being unreasonable? I've kind of crossed the rubicon I feel. I'm so fed up of any nice ocassion being spoiled and DH's pathetic attempts to excuse awful behaviour instead of objectively being able to look at what is happening

Allthebestnamesareused Fri 10-Feb-17 23:48:09

Sounds like my MIL - are you my SIL?

Men don't get it!

I always did pressies etc for his family. Never got anything myself back from them. Irritating but not a biggy. Got very upset when they all ignored DS ( their gc not a step one) birthday though despite doing DSS! Mentioned it and they said oh we don't really do birthdays, christmas etc. So I stopped too!

All hell let loose when I didn't send her a Mother's Day card. I even said well actually your DS didn't send you the card.

I also get what you mean re your parents. They do the same for DH and treat DSs same as all grandchildren.

I feel your pain and frustration!

Aeroflotgirl Fri 10-Feb-17 23:54:39

Wow how toxic, why is it up to you to send her present and her card, is her son incapable of doing it!

Calvinlookingforhobbs Fri 10-Feb-17 23:57:14

YANU. She sounds awful.

I suspect your DH has had a lifetime of putting up with her and finds it easier to plicate her however unreasonable she is being. I don't think walking out of the restaurant was called for. You either need to deal with bad behaviour or try and get or a place, mentally and emotionally where she can't get to you or your marriage. I doubt you are gong to change her.

Hugs to you

PoppyFleur Fri 10-Feb-17 23:57:59

Presumably the children are not just yours but also DH children? If his mother expected a card & gift for looking after het GC, is this not something he could do?
Or is card and present buying seen as 'wife work' in your household?

I think your DH has behaved badly and hopefully walking out of the restaurant has brought him to his senses.

Only1scoop Fri 10-Feb-17 23:58:08

Frazzled after looking after your DC for two nights maybe?

ijustwannadance Fri 10-Feb-17 23:59:23

Why the fuck would you buy her a gift and send a thank you card for looking after grandkids?confused

And why is it your problem and not your DH's? Tell him to by his mother a card himself if he's so bloody arsed.

ohfourfoxache Fri 10-Feb-17 23:59:38

No, yanbu at all.

Unfortunately (and I know you've heard this before, you're an old timer grin ) you've got a dh problem.

How far can you remove yourself from her? If dh wants contact then fine, but you don't have to be in contact

ohfourfoxache Sat 11-Feb-17 00:00:46

Have you read toxic in laws btw?

Sounds like dh is deep in FOG

RJnomore1 Sat 11-Feb-17 00:07:50

I'd most certainly have brought something back for anyone who had my kids two nights so I could go away and I'm stunned you just walked out on your dh.

Not giving you a present is childish but your reaction is just as bad. I cannot believe anyone is validating it.

DontTouchTheMoustache Sat 11-Feb-17 00:12:12

It wouldn't cross my mind to send a gift and a thank you for looking after my kids to my mum (I dont have a mil). YANBU she sounds incredibly spiteful.

BestZebbie Sat 11-Feb-17 00:12:54

If only your DH was party to this information about gift requirements (I don't think it would be an automatic assumption), then he has stopped you getting your present/staying in MILs good book this week, not you. But you know that already.

Only1scoop Sat 11-Feb-17 00:14:08

I would also have given a massive thank you to someone who had my dd for one night. Let alone 3 under 4's for 2 nights. She sent you a card I can't understand prob?

DJBaggySmalls Sat 11-Feb-17 00:14:46

YANBU, but they are. What will you do now?

HamletsSister Sat 11-Feb-17 00:15:57

So YOU have to send a thank you or YOU get nothing.

Why didn't he get punished for not thanking her? His mother. His job.

Only1scoop Sat 11-Feb-17 00:16:59

Didn't your DH thank her from both of you?

PeggyMitchell123 Sat 11-Feb-17 00:21:41

I must be strange but I think you made a big fuss over a tiny little thing.

Your mil sent a card, had the kids for a weekend(not many would have 3 under 4 for a weekend) but yet you moaned to your partner on what should have been a nice dinner about a present?

Who cares if the mil is being passive aggressive? And? Toughen up and ignore it. Enjoy you time with your partner and don't let it enter your head. Yes your partner should have handled it better but then maybe he is tired about you moaning about every tiny little thing his mother does and feeling in the middle.

PerspicaciaTick Sat 11-Feb-17 00:35:27

3 days of babysitting 3 under 4 - the woman deserves (and is right to expect) extreme gratitude and thank yous with maybe a nice present thrown in. That is hundreds of pounds of free babysitting she gave you as part of your present.

However, your DH should have organised this while he was organising the rest of your birthday treat. Unless you've seen the msg from your MiL specifically blaming you, then I would tend towards assuming your DH is the one trying to duck the fallout and blaming you.

ToastieRoastie Sat 11-Feb-17 00:41:33

Wow your MIL looked after 3 under 4's for 2 nights - that's a big ask of someone. I would have given chocolates or wine to anyone who did that for me.

I think you should agree with your DH that he sorts out his family and you sort out yours from now on. If MIL babysits, he does the thank you. He buys her birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day cards and presents. You do the same for your mum.

If he has the responsibility, then MIL can get upset with him and you don't have to worry about it. It's up to him to aI rain the relationship if he wants to, given that you don't appear to like her.

ToastieRoastie Sat 11-Feb-17 00:43:49

I agree with Perspecacia that he may have tried to duck the fallout. My ex did this - he and his mum seemed to think I was responsible for being the thoughtful one and sorting out presents etc

Isadora2007 Sat 11-Feb-17 00:48:12

I can't believe it didn't occur to you or your husband to get a gift as a thank you while you were away. That's really rude and entitled.
Wasn't her looking after the children "for your birthday" but yet you want an actual present too? Again... entitled much?

In this case you're definitely in the wrong and you owe your MIL an apology and some flowers I reckon and don't be so bloody ungrateful.

EmeraldScorn Sat 11-Feb-17 00:53:49

I have never before heard of anyone expecting a card/present for looking after their grandchild(ren) but I must suggest it to my siblings because if grandparents are getting gifts then aunties should as well! wink

I think it's your husband's place to arrange gifts for his mother, I would find it ridiculous if my boyfriend suggested that I should sort out his gifts to his mother - why should I? He's her (adult) child, not me.

I trust that your mother in law was thanked in person upon your return for child minding, surely that's enough but if your husband is that bothered then he knows where the shops are so he can arrange a gift for her himself!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 11-Feb-17 00:58:04

The inability of some to read properly <shakes head>

The OP doesn't want a bloody present - she's said so. She's mentioning it to her DH because it's a Big Thing for her MIL and therefore significant that it hasn't happened. It's not ABOUT getting a gift, it's about the implied reasoning behind it.

I agree that bringing back chocolates, flowers, wine or something for MIL would have been nice but that is just as much DH's responsibility as the OP's. HE hasn't done it either. Yet the OP is the one in the doghouse.

THAT's what the complaint is about - that the OP is the only one being blamed and that her DH is standing up for his mother rather than going "oh shit, I should/could have done that, I'll sort her something out and apologise". This is NOT the OP's sole responsibility.

ShoutOutToMyEx Sat 11-Feb-17 01:08:58

And why is it your problem and not your DH's? Tell him to by his mother a card himself if he's so bloody arsed.

Yes, quite. But I suspect he's trying to justify and rationalise her behaviour OP, however mistakenly. He's been doing it for years so it must be a hard habit to break.

He'd rather lay the blame for her behaviour at your door - you, someone he can trust not to turn on him, someone who he sees as an equal.

Probably projecting. But completely get why you walked out.

Butterymuffin Sat 11-Feb-17 01:27:04

So is he saying that your MIL told him this was why you hadn't got a present, or is this his own interpretation of why she hasn't? Perhaps she genuinely thinks the babysitting was your present. And yes, if he knew she expected this then he should have tried to meet her expectations. You need to get to the bottom of those things.

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