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To feel even worse than normal about my divorce because it would have been my wedding anniversary tomorrow?

(7 Posts)
ferriswheel Fri 10-Feb-17 19:41:50

Im leaving him because of his extreme ea behavior. There are more reasons than that but he has basically treated me as a subordinate far too many times.

The memories of five years ago when he was so kind to me are almost too much.

When will the sadness and distress stop?

PandoraMole Fri 10-Feb-17 19:52:07

(((Hugs)))

It is really shit. I'm going through the same thing for the same reasons atm and it's really hard when you suddenly have a brain fart and remember the positive stuff.

How long were you together?

ferriswheel Fri 10-Feb-17 19:57:46

Eight years. He used to be so lovely. I remember it all so vividly. I have three small children and just feel so disappointed and emotional about it all.

How are you coping? Any tips on getting through this?

PandoraMole Fri 10-Feb-17 20:18:15

Well, I'm not sure I'm that qualified to advise as I'm struggling atm myself.

We were together 20 years and would have been married 14 this spring. We always had our ups and downs but things just got progressively worse until his behaviour was affecting our DD as well as me and we were both constantly walking on eggshells.

He was devastated when we left...for all of about 3 months when he started internet dating. He informed us about his new GF at Christmas and our relationship, which was quite amicable, has been rapidly deteriorating ever since.

I'm not remotely jealous that he has someone else. I haven't regretted my decision for a moment. But he's currently living in our family home, cracking on with his life and not even paying maintenance whilst DD and I are stuck in limbo living with family with precious little space or privacy, and I've almost doubled my working hours to ensure I can support us I the future.

Can't help but question our entire marriage given how fast he's moved on, which makes me hurt and angry. He seems to have gone from respectful and considerate to thoughtless and unbearably smug - I almost feels likes he thinks this is payback for my finally having the temerity to leave him.

Anyway after all that waffle all I can suggest in the way of advice is this. Divorce is a kind of bereavement - even if you don't grieve for the person you will grieve for who you thought they were and the life you expected to have. And when you have kids you grieve for them too. It makes you question everything you thought you knew about yourself and your relationship, and sometimes about your other friends and family members too.

I think it's important to realise it's a process and there are stages you just have to get through. Enjoy the positive ones and take the opportunity to nurture friendships and build your strength for when the hard times hit.

Be kind to yourself and try to remember that this will not last forever.

I saw this quote today which I think sums it up rather well:

"You're going to be happy," said Life, "but first I'm going to make you strong".

Or as my friend says Keep Buggering On grin.

There's a divorce support thread in that section on here. I'll post a link in a mo.

PandoraMole Fri 10-Feb-17 20:22:37

Here you go...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/2741551-Support-for-those-starting-the-divorce-process

Whereabouts are you in the process? My decree nisi is being pronounced two weeks today.

ferriswheel Fri 10-Feb-17 20:35:14

I don't have time to reply properly right now but thank you for that awesome post.

I love the quote. I guess I didn't expect that someone whom I loved so much would force me to find so much strength.

How do you feel about finalising the paperwork?

PandoraMole Fri 10-Feb-17 21:15:04

I can't wait tbh.

DD and I are living with my elderly parents atm. They've been amazing but it is very hard going. Mum and I haven't lived together for nearly 14 years and we're very different characterS although we love each other dearly.

We can't move out until the house is sold, can't put it on the market until we have a Consent order and can't have a Consent Order until we have the nisi, so afaic 24th can't come soon enough.

Having said that I'm not assuming that it won't hit me at some stage. I'm seeing a great solicitor now and again for adice but doing all the paperwork myself to keep costs down so my feelings towards that side of things has been quite matter of fact so far.

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