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AIBU to think I am not responsible for everyone's happiness?

(12 Posts)
Happyiamnot Fri 10-Feb-17 17:57:38

Have 2 toddler dc and am almost full term pregnant. Also suffer with depression.

Have started mat leave so I'm at home with the dc and dh is working more shifts.

Dc have been stressing me out big time today, desperate for dh to come home and take over. Pretty much let the house go to shit and dc are eating chocolate and watching TV all day. I'm exhausted and at my wits end.

So he gets home and I go upstairs upset, tell him happy he's home, but I need to be alone. Dc are being pains in the butt, but I ignore noises and have a nap.

He comes to tell me he's made dinner. I go down and he's in an obviously bad mood, snapping at the kids, face like thunder etc. Miserable dinner (ds refuses to eat anything and it's taking it's toll).

I try to cheer up ds and then dh softens towards him as well.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that if I'm happy, he's happy; if I'm pissed off, so is he. It's like he doesn't have his own emotions, he has to copy mine.

So basically I have to be happy all the time for us all to be happy. It's exhausting. Is this a thing with some people? Is it my fault? I can't continue like this.

ITGurl Fri 10-Feb-17 18:00:55

I know what you mean.
If your in a mood it would be nice for some comfort, asked if your OK, made to feel good.
Not just mirrored. I'd try to explain it like that to him.

Ilovecaindingle Fri 10-Feb-17 18:05:03

When you are down he likely feels powerless, worried about you, and maybe that he is to blame . When you are smiling he is relieved again. . Maybe explain that the world still turns when you feel shit and it's not always his fault.

SalmonFajitas Fri 10-Feb-17 18:07:09

God I'm a bit like you DH - I'm very sensitive to other people's moods and if they're stressed or unhappy I'll feel the same. That said I'm aware of it and make an effort to actually be supportive if DH is upset or stressed rather than becoming an added burden. Perhaps talk to your DH - he may not be aware of it. Let him know what he can do to help when you've had a tough day.

Happyiamnot Fri 10-Feb-17 18:07:18

Good points. I'll try to explain it that way. I feel bad that the dc get two grumpy parents, when we could just take turns if he wanted to be sad sometimes. sad

BillSykesDog Fri 10-Feb-17 18:07:44

You both sound very tired and overwrought and in a stressful situation at the moment. He sounds like he is trying to be supportive but is also finding it tough at the moment. Go and try and get some more rest while he's home.

YouMeddlingKids Fri 10-Feb-17 18:12:15

Same experience here... If dh is grumpy I make a conscious effort to be positive towards the dc to counter act it, whereas if I'm grumpy with them he piles in, meaning I then have to put my feelings aside for the sake of the kids. Feels a bit controlling tbh

Happyiamnot Fri 10-Feb-17 18:16:13

Exactly, meddling. I try and do the same. So even though I'm obviously feeling low and stressed, I feel I have to put on my happy face for them....why can't he bloody do that, since he's not miserable in the first place?!? angry

mrsBeverleygoldberg Fri 10-Feb-17 18:21:06

No one is responsible for anyone else's happiness.
Years of therapy has taught me this. I grew up responsible for my narcissistic mother and psychopath father. They were still not happy. I ended up with complex ptsd, generalised anxiety disorder and depression.
Each person is responsible for their own happiness, except if you're selling Forever Living.

conkercola Fri 10-Feb-17 18:24:49

My DH is like this. It's bloody exhausting. I suffer from depression too and when i'm 'OK' he's happy to join in the activities I've arranged. Days out etc, but when I'm down he doesn't pick up the slack and gets snappy with the DC.

He does the bare minimum with the kids and it puts extra pressure on me to 'pull myself together' It feels like i'm the only adult a lot of the time.

ShowMePotatoSalad Fri 10-Feb-17 18:32:52

I feel guilty all the time at the moment, because I'm not bloody superwoman.

I do most of the cooking - DH hardly ever offers. So I have to ask him, if I'm not in the mood to do it. Then I feel guilty for asking him.

He works full time, I work part time. He sees my 2 days at home as just fun time for me and DS. He hardly ever has DS by himself all day so he doesn't know that it can be very tiring.

I'm in a bad mood today - I'm fizzled out, exhausted, on the verge of tears. I'm not depressed and most of the time I'm upbeat. It's just that I work so damn hard. I contribute just as much financially to the household as I did when I was full time, so the 2 extra days of childcare I'm doing, DH gets for free. Then DH goes out on Saturdays doing what he wants to do. He takes DS out with him for a few hours and that's when I get some time to myself. But most of the time I have to spend it cleaning because the house is a tip. DH never cleans. He does laundry and the bins.

And then tonight DH he gets home and wants to mount a new TV on the wall while I watch DS. No, I've watched DS all day. He hasn't napped. Look after your son and give me 5 minutes to catch my breath.

So because I'm in a bad mood DH is being all sheepish and that's putting me in to an even worse mood. I don't get a cuddle, no "are you OK?" or any kind word whatsoever. I just want to do everything all the time, to please everyone, or I feel guilty.

ShowMePotatoSalad Fri 10-Feb-17 18:34:31

I feel like the only adult too sometimes conker. DH needs prompting all the time about things - have you given him a drink...you've not packed any nappies for him...can you change his nappy etc etc. It's driving me round the twist. I've told him before I want an equal partnership and we just keep slipping into these fucking gendered roles and I hate it.

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