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To restrict communocation with abusive ex re our DD?

(14 Posts)
frecklesagogo Fri 10-Feb-17 10:34:26

Long story short: he was violent, I left, fast forward four years and he is still resentful, controlling and abusive. Court gave him pretty much 50/50 child care one year ago. Since we separated he has been sending horrible messages/calls/emails and even got his girlfriend to join in.

Over past 12 months I called police 5 times. Eventually (three months ago), they took him in under caution to interview him. He cried and said he didn't know he was upsetting me so was let off.

Now I get shitty emails written by his girlfriend in a pseudo professional bitch style which are still full of blame, criticism and insults. To limit the BIG impact it has on me (anxiety, nausea, depression) I have blocked them both from my phone, said they can call by new partner in an emergency and direct them to an email address for everything else which I check once a week.

When we check the emails we filter our the crap and only respond to genuine concerns, ignoring the tit-for-tat "lets argue about something" content.

I now have a letter from his solicitor saying I have suspended communications and my hostility leaves them with no choice but to go for sole custody.

What degree of communication should I provide to an abusive man?

The emails are so upsetting to me I have brought my partner in to help stay grounded and write neutral focused answers but even he has had enough. He is saying that its all rubbish and doesn't warrant responses. I am frightened to ignore these emails completely because then my ex could say in court that I am not communicating with him. On average there are three emails a week.

I don't know what my rights are and don't know what to do now.

Appendix - Example of the shitty "lets argue about something" content:

To give an example: his latest obsession is that the school DD goes to is inferior (its rated good and significantly improved since the Ofsted inspection ,its one of the most sought after schools in the borough). He says there is air pollution and a bad demographic profile (we live in London and he's a racist). He doesn't understand the way they manage homework (they host regular meet the teacher events and have a page in the book to explain). He is concerned that DD is a bully and why am I not telling him or managing it (DD made one silly comment to another child once, not bullying). The list goes on. I keep referring his concerns to the school who have been trying to get ex in for a meeting since November 2016 but he says he is too busy to go in.

Chinnygirl Fri 10-Feb-17 10:36:46

I hope you have kept all the emails. Contact a lawyer, you need one.

MagicMoments22 Fri 10-Feb-17 10:38:14

Print off all the emails and your response. Get a solicitor. Now

SalmonFajitas Fri 10-Feb-17 10:39:48


Get a lawyer and keep a record of everything he doesn't have a leg to stand on and there is a lot of evidence on your side.

Foxysoxy01 Fri 10-Feb-17 10:47:09

You need to collect as much evidence as you can!

Print off everything, do you have any crime reference numbers from police or can you get them, you really need to engage a solicitor asap.

It's really important you document as much as possible and if you can remain as calm and unruffled as possible in your correspondence with them which will probably annoy your ex further because he can't control you and lead to more evidence of unreasonableness for your side.

frecklesagogo Fri 10-Feb-17 10:49:35

I have a solicitor. She says he can try to go for cull custody but we just wait until he starts proceeding. Once in court I can demonstrate the harassment, his over reliance on before and after school club, and defend his mad accusations.

In the meantime though, I just don't know is there's some rules about how much you have to respond and if you have to respond point by point or only where it makes sense?

I just don't have much faith in legal system. That's what got him 50% custody, which was a win for him, before that he only had 20-30% by his own choice.

THirdEeye Fri 10-Feb-17 10:50:20

I would also advise you to contact women's aid, as they may have a solicitor that has dealt with abusive men.

I would also call 101, because this is harassment.

I would also visit your GP and discuss the effect this is having on you and your DD.

Bascially, you need to build a paper trail of his abuse. Every time an email is sent, log this with the police.

NeedsAsockamnesty Fri 10-Feb-17 10:55:29

So you have comunicated?

If so print off copies of all his and all yours have them together and respond to Solisitor with something along the lines of .....

Dear arsehat
I'm deeply concerned that your client appears to believe I have ceased to comunicate with him,
Please find enclosed copies of all written comunication as it appears that your client may potentially have IT problems, as you can clearly see I have responded to every comunication that requires a response Usually at least once per week.

Your client also has access to the schools ofstead report (rated good) and has been provided with the instructions regarding homework and has been invited to the same school functions and information meetings that I have.

Could your client perhaps indicate the levels of comunication he requires and I am more than happy to accomadate a reasonable agreement regarding this.
Thank you.

NeedsAsockamnesty Fri 10-Feb-17 10:58:22

you need to build a paper trail of his abuse. Every time an email is sent, log this with the police

Unless those emails contain threats or are likely to be considered as an issue under the malicious communications act or a none molestation order exists prohibiting contact,then this is a damaging bit of advice.
It would make her look like she was the hostile party and is using the authorities to harras

THirdEeye Fri 10-Feb-17 11:03:26

But he is harassing her....he has just changed the way he is doing it.

Like I said, the OP needs to contact women's aid.

Lovewineandchocs Fri 10-Feb-17 11:03:55

To echo others, keep all the emails as evidence and let him take it to court. Then you'll have your defence. I can't see that he has any grounds in this case-he still has a point of contact in an emergency and you are still responding to salient queries regarding your DD. Has your solicitor written back to his?

Hissy Fri 10-Feb-17 11:14:14

He is doing this to provoke a response.

Stop giving him this response - if it provokes him to taking you to court, sobeit. At least then you will be able to get action taken against him for his harassment.

I agree you should prepare the response to his solicitor with all his nasty emails and suggest that you will respond when he uses communications constructively. Or perhaps invite his solicitor to suggest what kind of response they feel you should send, given that you have been replying until this point and would do so if his emails (not even penned by him) weren't being used as a means to harass and intimidate.

Anon1234567890 Fri 10-Feb-17 11:16:09

Been there, got the T-Shirt. 8 years through the shitty shitty world of family lawyers and £100,000 later...

There is no need for him to be emailing you about anything. Visitation times and dates is all that needs agreed. No Judge will give him full contact for what he is saying, he wont even let you near a Judge because your testimony would destroy him. Go to the police he is abusing you via electronic communications, yes it is a crime.

Just get your wallet out, the lawyers need a big pay day.

NeedsAsockamnesty Fri 10-Feb-17 11:17:10


He may well be but at the moment he is legally permitted to do so and is perfectly able to claim that he believes he is having reasonable communications about a shared child. It is how abusive men tend to use the legal system to continue to abuse.

Why on eart would the police be interested in what most people would percieve to be child related communications unless the op already has a none mol prohibiting them or any other type of protection order. Repeat unnesacery reports are in themselves considered to be a hostile abusive action.

Womans aid is a good move but she would be far more likely to obtain decent legal advice from rights of women or the corum children's legal centre.

Unless ofcourse she has her own Solisitor.

op how long ago was the relationship and can you evidence the abuse in anyway? The legal aid board increased the abuse within criteriata last year from 2 years to 5 so It may be worth exploring that.

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