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AIBU?

To want to start trying for a baby?

76 replies

mrslaichaoui · 10/02/2017 02:10

I'm nearly married for a year! My DH is lovely, kind and generous ! I love him so much but he won't start trying for a baby I'm 33 and he wants 3 or more! I want to have babies but AIBU to expect we start asap so I'm not a really old mum? TIA xxx

OP posts:

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PrincessPeach08 · 10/02/2017 02:26

Surely you discussed this before you got married? Also, your post is goady as fuck, really old mum, you are 33 ffs so what are you classing as a 'really old mum'?

KittyWindbag · 10/02/2017 02:31

I don't think OP is being intentionally goady, I think it's fair to acknowledge that just because you start trying to conceive at 33, it doesn't mean it'll happen straight away and in some cases can take years.

Add to that they want to have three and I suppose she's worried about still giving birth while she's well into her forties.

sillygoof · 10/02/2017 02:32

Bit harsh there princess - she's probably referring to the fact they want 3, so even if they start now she's probably going to be very late 30s when she has the last one. Which is an older mum (and I'm speaking as a 37 year old who's awake feeding a newborn!).

GinIsIn · 10/02/2017 02:34

at really old mum

Well, how old are you now?

KittyWindbag · 10/02/2017 02:35

mrslaich didn't you discuss this before you married? When does he think would be a good time to start? Men never feel the pressure women feel. You need to have a real conversation with him about this.

GinIsIn · 10/02/2017 02:36

Oh sorry - you ARE 33, I read it as he won't start until you are 33.

I think you might be jumping the gun somewhat - you may have one and decide that you don't want 3! What are his reasons for not wanting to start trying, and when does he think is a good time?

Monstamio · 10/02/2017 02:40

37 here too and expecting number two in the next few weeks. I agree if you want to have three then you might want to get cracking, as you really have no idea how long it's going to take. You might be lucky and catch in the first cycle and sail through pregnancy. Or not. We started trying not long after I turned 33 and my first didn't show up until I was nearly 35.

Why doesn't your DH want to start trying given he's the one who wants three children?

KarenPeralta · 10/02/2017 02:40

'a really old mum'? Seriously?

Obviously you are not being unreasonable if you and your DH agreed that you would start ttc within a year or so of getting married, and he's now moving the goalposts.

Did you ever discuss when you might plan to have children? If he wants three, when does he think you might start planning on ttc?

PrincessPeach08 · 10/02/2017 02:42

Apologies maybe my post was a bit harsh, but the 'really old' comment seemed a bit yanbu to want to start trying, but surely if he wants 3 children you will have discussed this, do you want 3 children? What are his reasons for delaying?

reuset · 10/02/2017 02:54

You don't sound very mature coming out with 'really old mum'. I lost interest after that. You should probably discuss it with your husband.

Elllicam · 10/02/2017 03:03

I would talk to him about the reasonable time scales of pregnancy. So at 33 even if you conceive quickly you are likely to be 34 before giving birth. They recommend a year before becoming pregnant again so you would be 35 getting pregnant for number two and almost 36 giving birth and then 38ish for number three. That is only if everything goes smoothly conception wise though, it's normal to take a while to concieve and it can take longer as you get older. When does he want to have kids? Sometimes men can be a bit unrealistic, my brother announced he and his wife wanted to wait a few years to start a family but wanted at least 4. They were then in their late 30's and they only had one child a few years later and are unlikely to have more now.

wettunwindee · 10/02/2017 06:45

"I lost interest after that."

Yet still posted! Didn't your parents ever tell you what to do if you don't have anything nice to say?

I had my first at 33 and was beginning to feel a little like an older Mum OP. I think that when you're at an age where you're married, settled into a career and thinking seriously about having children, you do feel old and therefore, older than that is really old.*

I understand where you're coming from as if you're after 3 then you could easily be in your early 40s when the third and final comes along. pregnancy when you're 35-40 is much more dangerous for you and for the baby so of course you want to move it along.

This is of course a conversation to have with your husband. Put your point across but he's probably enjoying life as newlyweds without children. Equally understandable.

If he's so keen to have 3, explain you'd rather have them before x age and so, the longer you wait the fewer you're likely to have. FWIW, after 35, 20% of women struggle to conceive.

*some posters look to take offence. 40s is fairly old to be pregnant.

Chrisinthemorning · 10/02/2017 06:53

We started ttc when I was 32. DS was born when I was 35. I suggest you get cracking, it can take a while.

gingertigercat · 10/02/2017 07:38

Yanbu. Explain to your dh the likely timeframe that has been explained above as well as the risks that come with having a baby in your late 30s.

From speaking to my dp, some men really do need this spelling out.

Good luck!

Writerwannabe83 · 10/02/2017 07:55

I'm 33 and pregnant with our second child and admittedly I do feel old-ish to be having one. My DH is 35 this Summer and he said if I hadn't conceived by then we would stop trying as 35 was his cut off point in terms of being too old to start having another baby.

How old is your DH?

It took 10 months to conceive this baby so it's not always a quick and easy ride.

Like others though I'm surprised this wasn't discussed before you got married? Me and DH started TTC for our first child straight after our wedding and we had planned it that way.

TheCatsMother99 · 10/02/2017 07:57

Try finding out what his reasons for waiting are and explaining to him it rarely happens on your first cycle, I'd know, been trying for what feel like ages now and nothing yet!

SumAndSubstance · 10/02/2017 08:04

I agree you should get cracking. I always quite fancied having three. Hot married at 29, had first at 31 - so far so good. Now pregnant with second one at 36. It doesn't always run as smoothly as you hope it will!

expatinscotland · 10/02/2017 08:08

Is he that clueless about biology?

RNBrie · 10/02/2017 08:17

I had my third dc when I was 37 and overheard the midwife refer to my "saggy, geriatric uterus".

I don't think "really old mum" was meant to be unkind, and the media have been hammering away about the drop in fertility over the age of 35 so not sure why there are so many knickers in a twist over it.

Op, I think you have a point. Conception is not always straight forward and maybe he needs to compromise on the number of babies if he's not ready to start trying yet.

IntoTheDeep · 10/02/2017 08:23

If he wants 3, I agree you'd be better starting sooner rather than later.

I also agree a talk about timescales sounds useful.
Even if you get pregnant quickly every time, it's the best part of a year to gestate and deliver a baby. So 3 years just for that, even if you we're conceiving DC2 and 3 almost immediately after birth.
And most people want at least a small age gap between DC. What kind of age gap would your DH like? A 2yr gap, even starting now, would have you at 38yrs old for DC3. And that's assuming no fertility problems at all, which is something you don't know whether it's a problem or not for you until you start TTC.
Fertility declines with age, so starting TTC later or planning bigger age gaps increases the chances that DC2 and DC3 will be harder to conceive.
I'd point all this out to your DH. How long does he want to take before TTC DC1? Is he happy to take the chance that he won't get DC3, or maybe even DC2, if you wait too long to get started?

Greta84 · 10/02/2017 08:28

Wow princess that was harsh!! OP YANBU especially if you want 3. If it helps I was 30 with my first conceived in first month and second one I was almost 34 and conceived straightaway. Apart from obviously having sex on both occasions I used ovulation sticks that I bought from amazon. As soon as the stick turned to show ovulation we were at it like rabbits for 3 days and guess what it did the trick!! So I would say start now AND plan when you have sex: I would maybe show him this thread.

Wellitwouldbenice · 10/02/2017 10:26

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PurpleDaisies · 10/02/2017 10:29

Did you discuss this before you got married?

Unless your husband is on board, I'm not sure how you start trying on your own.

If he's not ready he's not ready but it sounds like you need to talk about a realistic timescale for starting. What are his reasons for wanting to wait?

MuseumOfCurry · 10/02/2017 10:29

Why not tell us what you agreed before you got married?

Chinnygirl · 10/02/2017 10:34

So how long does he want to wait? Do you two communicate about this?

I don't think you should wait too long.

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