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AIBU to let my 9 year old dd in my bed?

(69 Posts)
newstartamiready Thu 09-Feb-17 23:32:09

So I've pretty much always been a single mother now I have a partner who is moving in this weekend! Recently we had a problem with dd getting in my bed, around xmas time she got very upset and naughty as she wasn't allowed in my bed as my partner was there. Due to her behavior I have now completely stopped her sleeping in my bed for her sake as well as mine and my partners.

My dd had a high temperature last night and came in my bed burning up (my partner wasn't there) I kept her in my bed and cuddled her to sleep (I felt she needed the comfort). Tonight I found out she had chicken pox told my partner and he asked if she will be sleeping in my bed tonight! I said I'm not sure but if she has a high temperature I would feel bad to send her off to her bed alone (I like to be with her when she is sick to keep an eye on her)

So AIBU to let her in my bed? Would you let a 9year old dc in your bed if unwell?

Obviously I don't want her bad behavior to start again (I couldn't believe how naughty she was being) so I would rather not have her in my bed. But I also don't want to send her off to her bed alone if she has a high temperature! What is the right thing to do?

wonderingagain21 Thu 09-Feb-17 23:38:04

I'm sorry but if she has a high temperature, sharing a bed is likely to make it worse not better. She needs to be cool rather than heated by your warmth.

IMissGrannyW Thu 09-Feb-17 23:38:47

I think my questions are around how well your DD knows your new partner and how well she gets on with him.

I think as far as she is concerned, your bed has always been a nice place for you and her to have a snuggly time, and now you've put a stop to it. (and a very sudden stop, from what you've said), probably without her understanding why, if you've always been a single mum.

From your post, you're coming at this from the perspective of your intimate life with your new partner. Your DD won't understand that. But she will know there's a new person around who is taking your time and attention, and now an important part of her affection with you.

I think you need to think about how this seems from her point of view, and her being ill at the moment is a very small and temporary thing. Her behaviour was REALLY bad, huh? I wonder why that might have been????

AndNowItsSeven Thu 09-Feb-17 23:40:34

I so hope I am right and this is a troll post. If not can you really not see you dd wasn't being naughty , she was pushed out by your new man.

newstartamiready Thu 09-Feb-17 23:47:19

My dd already slept in her own bed before my partner was around but sometimes came into my bed if she woke up in the night! The last time she was unwell I let her stay in my bed for a few weeks and that's when the problem started with dd wanting to come in my bed again!

This is not a troll post, I am honestly looking for advice on what is best for my dd not for me.

When she was playing up before I really felt bad as I felt like at this age she should be fine sleeping alone and it's my fault she doesn't! So I hope someone comes along to offer advice rather than just wanting to be rude towards me for having a new partner! And when I say new we have been together for a year and my dd gets on with him very well!

Crumbs1 Thu 09-Feb-17 23:51:47

I can't see that having a sick little girl in bed is going to harm her at all - and I was a dragon for sleeping habits. Mine all came in if they were unwell, if there was a thunderstorm or if they heard a noise and were frightened. Cal poly to keep her temperature down but I would. Tell your partner to sleep in her bed.

IMissGrannyW Fri 10-Feb-17 00:07:33

Hey! I wasn't being rude because you have a new partner, I was suggesting you look at why your DD might be behaving badly (your words not mine) about being unceremoniously usurped from your bed (a situation you describe).

Here's some advice.... you think your DD should be fine sleeping alone; her behaviour is telling you she isn't (something you acknowledge), so prioritise her above your sex life and deal with that disengagement more sensitively and slowly than you are currently doing and see if that helps.

And I'm insulted you consider my post unhelpful and rude.

F1GI Fri 10-Feb-17 00:09:15

When one of my kids is ill I have them in bed with me and dh goes in the spare room. This is to maximise sleep for everyone: dh on own m, me not having to get up to child as in bed with me already and can give water tissue medicine sick bowl etc as taken up to bedroom in advance and sick child had comfort right there. Unaffected child undisturbed. I still do it if my 10yo is ill.
If dh is made to go somewhere overnight with work, kids have a rota of who gets dh's place in bed with he. My kids would sleep in my bed every single night if they were allowed! I actually remember having an operation when I was about 19/20yo and when I went home, I slept in my mums bed. So I don't think your dd is too old and I think reasonable to kick out spouse/partner when child is ill.

JigglyTuff Fri 10-Feb-17 00:10:33

I think the right thing to do is to prioritise your daughter's wellbeing over your sex life. And I don't like the sound of your partner asking if she's going to be there tonight. You're her mum. She's only 9

TheWindowDonkey Fri 10-Feb-17 00:12:36

Our 11 yo still comes in with me once in a blue moon if she is feeling in need of comfort or if she has a nightmare. In fact we have a spare single bed in our room in case either of the kids wants some company at night. I hate the dark and sleeping alone, and was always sent back to my own room by my parents as a child, no matter how scared I was. I'll still be letting mine in for a snuggle til they leave home...😄

TheWindowDonkey Fri 10-Feb-17 00:14:40

I also had a stepfather who moved in with us when I was just a little older than your dd. This is a really hard time for her age wise anyway, and now suddenly she doesn't have you to herself anymore and her safe haven is gone. She may seem grown uo at 9' but inside she is still your little girl, and she needs you.

RhodaBorrocks Fri 10-Feb-17 00:17:17

My DS gets into bed with me when he is ill. He's also 9 and has ASD so is very anxious when he is unwell.

The problems arise if I let it go on for more than 2 or 3 nights - after that it can quickly become a habit and is hard to break and I've had the bad behaviour and him up and down all night wanting to come into my bed and that's without a new man in the picture.

Your DP needs to realise you will always prioritise your child and even if she were his biological child you would still prioritise her when she is ill. If he is going to be competitive over who gets your time you need to rethink him moving in.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Fri 10-Feb-17 00:18:01

If your DD is ill and/or wants to sleep in your bed fair enough, but do bear in mind that neither your DD nor your DP may want to sleep on a pillow that someone else has been sleeping on.

Personally I think that it benefits everyone to have their own space and not feel like they are being moved out when someone else is there.

My DP lets his DD sleep in his bed and I refuse to sleep there now, as I don't want to sleep on a bed with someone else's dribble and sweat on the pillow, not to mention nits etc. She would also complain if I stayed over that she had to go in her own bed.

As your DD has been ill I'd certainly be changing the covers before expecting your DP to share the bed with you. If this is going to be your DP's bed, your DD needs to be comfortable and happy in her own bed and if you want to sleep in with her I don't think it's fair that she gets into bed with the two of you, or that your DP has to leave his bed. You should be going into her room to comfort her there, or it could cause all manner of issues.

It's a very territorial thing, bed sharing and while it may seem natural to you, those two people are not blood relations and so the sharing of the bed (even if not at the same time) is likely to feel uncomfortable.

I wouldn't be surprised if your DD is 'ill' or having nightmares etc a lot more often if it ends up ousting your DP from your bed!

TooSmittle Fri 10-Feb-17 00:22:57

I think this time you should let her in your bed, purely for comfort's sake.

However, I don't think you are at all unreasonable for wanting your own bed back, your partner moving in has just brought the issue to the forefront. It's really tricky though, obviously you're not going to tell her honestly about why you want to share a bed with your partner so you need to come up with a simple, understandable reason that she'll accept and be happy with, and not take as a rejection or a wedge between you. Easier said than done! I'm not really sure what you can say.

Maybe for now the focus shouldn't be why she can't share your bed but rather why it's so much better for her to stay in her bed. Could you do a little revamp of her room perhaps? New sheets, curtains, bin and rug, all her choice. Picture for the wall?

Focus on her, keep reminding her how loved she is, how special she is, how no matter what you'll always be a team. She's not losing anything by your partner living with you, she's gaining a friend and maybe one day a step parent. Keep telling her that. I'm sure she will get even closer to your partner after he moves in but the change is going to be a pretty monumental shift for her to wrap her head around right now.

Be as gentle as you can be with her but it's fine to have some boundaries and your bed can be one of them. Perhaps you'll have to sleep in her room for a night or two when she's next poorly as a way of bridging the gap between open bed for her and no sharing at all. Let's be realistic though, it's a relatively short time until she's a teenager and far less likely to even want to share a bed.

Be kind to yourself. It isn't your fault, you've done nothing wrong! It's a lovely thing that you've always done this for her, it's just a natural conclusion to this part.

Oh and congratulations for the big move in! Exciting times!

Trifleorbust Fri 10-Feb-17 01:28:10

Tricky! Your DP is moving in this weekend and your DD happens to be sick. Would it not make sense to push back the move (if possible ) to next weekend instead?

Long term, your DD is now old enough to understand that the bed is going to be your DP's as well as yours and it will no longer be appropriate for her to be getting on alongside the two of you. This isn't her being 'pushed out' as some pp have said: she has been fully introduced to having her own bed and it is only because there has been no other adult that she has been able to get in with you occasionally. However, this may come as a bit of a shock to her as she won't be thinking about your needs and responsibilities as an adult partner (nor should she have to). She will need to get used to these new arrangements. If she is ill, can you get in her bed and give her a cuddle there? I assume she has a normal single and this is probably big enough for you both for one night. From my point of view this is the ideal compromise.

MommaGee Fri 10-Feb-17 01:36:24

And I don't like the sound of your partner asking if she's going to be there tonight. You're her mum. She's only 9
Perhaps he want a tp get the sofa made up or put on pj's?

My DP lets his DD sleep in his bed and I refuse to sleep there now, as I don't want to sleep on a bed with someone else's dribble and sweat on the pillow, not to mention nits etc.
Change the pillow case?? I assume you've never slept on a hotel bed in case someone sweated onto the mattress or dribbled onto the pillow? And did she actually have nits or are you always so horrible to your future step daughter

Awwlookatmybabyspider Fri 10-Feb-17 01:39:24

I hate to say this but Maybe she's feeling threatened by someone new coming into your life. I suppose looking at through the eyes of a 9 year old you can understand. If she's been used to your undivided attention. If she's always been used to sleeping in your bed when she's sick and all of sudden she can't because someone else is there
She's bound to be envious, of course that's going to cause resentment. There's never a right to for children to get sick, but. They always seem to get sick at the blinking wrong time.
I'm not saying you're not entitled to fall in love and be happy, delirious even. However I think a few teething problems are inevitable. However if you love each other (you and dp you will come through it)

TENSHI Fri 10-Feb-17 02:00:59

Is she happy sbout the move op? Does she like him?
Moving a man into a little girl's nest/comfort zone while pushing her out is probably her perspective so why on earth would she want to behave? She probably feels rejected and sidelined.

I wouldn't risk my dc's emotional health but if you don't care about hers go ahead, move him in, stop her coming into your bed, tell her off for behaving badly and tell your partner she won't be interfering with your cosy twosome/sexlife/happiness ever again.


lyricaldancer Fri 10-Feb-17 02:14:08

Recently we had a problem with dd getting in my bed, around xmas time she ^got very upset and naughty as she wasn't allowed in my bed as my partner was there. Due to her behavior I have now completely stopped her sleeping in my bed for her sake as well as mine and my partners.*

Sounds like only more for your sake. So she was co sleeping occasionally and you put a stop to it for the new partner.
I think you need to work out how you're going to handle this. I feel quite sorry for her.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Fri 10-Feb-17 02:34:55

Just noticed your username. We don't pick them for nothing. Start a thread about. How did you choose your username and I guarantee everyone will have a story, so going by yours. I hope you're not rushing into anything. That you're unsure of.

AlmostAJillSandwich Fri 10-Feb-17 02:40:21

I don't particularly like sleeping alone, and as a kid when i was ill i hated it. I remember very well if i woke up ill, or from a nightmare, wandering in my parents room and squeezing in the bed between them, how safe and comfortable i felt and how relaxed thinking i was invincible there. As an adult i have suffered from extreme anxiety, and my dad is my full time carer. About 2012/13, despite being in my early twenties, some nights (i was mostly ok in the daytime, something about night time and it being so dark and eerily quiet unnerved me) i'd get so incredibly panicky i'd feel absolutely helpless and like the world was about to end, and despite knowing my dad was only upstairs and i wasn't on my own the only thing that would calm me down was my dad coming down and sitting with me for a while. Some nights he ended up sleeping in the chair or on a duvet on the floor in the living room for a few hours in the early hours whilst i tried to sleep on the sofa. Sometimes sick/scared kids just need their parent, it's a comfort thing and if you get used to it and then get told you can't do it anymore you panic and react badly. Tell her you're allowing it tonight because she is sick but tomorrow night/when she's better she has to go back to sleeping in her own room. Don't let there be any doubt it's temporary because of a specific circumstance and not going to be an ongoing thing.

Squirmy65ghyg Fri 10-Feb-17 06:15:07

Some of these responses are so offensive.

The OP has been a LP for 9 years. Try some constructive advice instead of bitching about her. Do you think OP honestly thinks everything was going to be plain sailing? Pathetic.

skerrywind Fri 10-Feb-17 06:20:10

around xmas time she got very upset and naughty as she wasn't allowed in my bed as my partner was there

Poor kid.

crickeycrumbsblimey Fri 10-Feb-17 06:30:09

I'm with squirmy. Good luck OP x

newstartamiready Fri 10-Feb-17 07:45:50

Wow some of these posts are strange responses! It's not about my Cosy little sex life etc! My dd is 9 I have been with my partner for a year who she gets on very well with, we all spend a lot of quality time together but of course now he is moving in she cannot sleep in the bed with us.

I'm sure if I was writing a post to say my partner and I sleep in bed with my 9 year old daughter what's your thought on that I would be completely slated!

As for the person that said I wouldn't want to mess with my dc emotional state, well that's such a shame that you think by me finally having a decent man in our lives that cares for both of us and wants to build a life with us will be bad for my dd's emotional state.

My partner asked if dd would be in my bed tonight as he knew how she was behaving last time (when I say naughty is like she was on protest, she was keeping herself awake on purpose I know this as she has been able to get herself asleep alone for years! And I was upset and worried for her not my sex life). But at the same time I don't think 9 year olds should sleep with their parent every night.

Also I started this thread for advice as I have always lived alone with dd and now the balance is changing I am unsure if other parents would let their dd in their bed if unwell as my instinct is to have her in the bed but as mentioned above I wouldn't think it's appropriate for dd to be in the bed with my partner so was looking for other advice.

Thank you to some of the posters that had sensible advice and didn't jump to the conclusion that I was abandoning my child just because I have a partner moving in. O actually am very mindful of my daughters emotional welfare and that's why I started the thread.

I think I have decided in future I would sleep in dd's bed with her if she is unwell as I like to be with her incase she needs me.

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