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AIBU?

to think I shouldn't stay with my husband.

25 replies

Karrot · 09/02/2017 22:09

Background: I have been with my DH for 15 years, married for ten.
I had an emotional dalliance with a work colleague more than ten years ago (before DC) - not claiming to be an angel - he sees this as still very relevant. It was tough when that happened, but

We now have one DC (4), who was a very difficult baby, I had PND etc. When our child was a few months old, I found out my husband had been talking on Facebook to an old friend of ours (a woman) who lived overseas. I accidentally opened a message on his Facebook account, thinking I was logged in to mine and found a series of flirty messages ("What colour is your underwear" etc). I knew nothing physical had happened as she was several thousand miles away. It took a long time, but he was massively apologetic, we were going through a very tough time with our child etc etc - and we worked through it.

Tonight, I again, opened up Facebook, thinking it was me logged in on my laptop and saw an unread message from a name I didn't recognise. I clicked on it and saw multiple messages from a girl "hello?" "are you there?" "I hate us not talking" etc etc. There were over 40 messages. There did not appear to be any replies from my DH.

I confronted him. He claims this girl is a friend from primary school (her mutual friends list confirms this). He says she got in touch years ago on FB and they had a brief chat about what friends were doing etc, then he realised she was a bit weird and stopped replying. She, he claims, sent multiple messages saying how pissed off she was about this, which he ignored (none of these messages still exist). He last year went to a stag do in her home town, which she saw on FB and started up contacting him again - hence this latest run of messages.

He is absolutely insistent that there is nothing more to it. I feel that even if there isn't, the fact he kept this slightly messy relationship a secret from me, considering what happened with the other girl three years ago, is enough that I can't go on with the relationship anymore.

Our daughter adores him and I am heartbroken at the idea that our family has now been split apart. Otherwise, he is a very kind man and a great dad and we have so much history. I don't know what to do.

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Butterymuffin · 09/02/2017 22:11

Would you both agree to go to relationship counselling? It sounds like you both have grudges to talk through.

Squirmy65ghyg · 09/02/2017 22:12

Do you trust him?

Karrot · 09/02/2017 22:16

I wold have previously. Not anymore.

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Trifleorbust · 09/02/2017 22:19

Honestly? No replies is no replies, isn't it. I'm not saying I would automatically believe him about the timings but it doesn't look like he is actively pursuing an affair or recently participated in one.

Karrot · 09/02/2017 22:21

Well, the messages where they did initially talk aren't there. My feeling is there must have been more to the previous messages and now he's backed off and told her it has to stop.

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YellowCrocus · 09/02/2017 22:22

There is no trust between you. You can't carry on like this. Visit a councillor.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 09/02/2017 22:24

I think you are overreacting. He didn't respond to this woman and you want to leave him over it. What he did before was no worse than what you did so you both sound as bad as each other.

user892 · 09/02/2017 22:24

You've not dealt with his previous emotional affair. Also think you should give counselling a shot x

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 09/02/2017 22:28

I'm inclined to believe him. He was honest about it last time. That said, you know him.

I think these incidents are symptoms of your damaged relationship. You need to fix the problems within your marriage and not just focus on these incidents. Counselling would help you both, even if you do split. If I were you. I'd try and save a 15 year relationship.

c3pu · 09/02/2017 22:49

This isn't about the latest messages, it's about everything that's wrong with your relationship past and present.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2017 22:51

On the event you've detailed I think yabu. He hasn't done anything wrong, just seems like he has a stalker.
But the fact you're thinking this shows there's more wrong within the relationship.

Karrot · 09/02/2017 23:00

It's not about this incident, or that I necessarily think here is anything going on with this girl (although her saying "I hate us not talking" when the main conversation they apparently had was six or seven years ago when they first connected on FB seems v odd, unless she is actually certifiable) - it's that if he did have a problem with her stalking him, he didn't talk to me about it.

I would have hoped that after what happened with messaging the other girl years ago (and I was honestly over that til tonight, it was a
difficult time for both of us), he would have been totally open and honest with me. I thought things were really good with us at the moment and the fact he has hidden this from me feel horrible.

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redexpat · 09/02/2017 23:10

Why didnt he unfriend or block her?

Karrot · 09/02/2017 23:13

He unfriended her (and he did, I've checked), but she kept sending the messages via messenger. Guess he could have blocked her. He claims he muted her so he didn't get notifications that she'd sent these messages (though it was obvious if you opened up his inbox immediately, as I did)

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redexpat · 09/02/2017 23:29

Yes that does make sense. In which case that with him not responding to her 40 messages Id be inclined to believe him.

However this issue does seem to have revealed some underlying things that need addressing. Sounds as if you would benefit from some counselling.

EmeraldScorn · 10/02/2017 00:30

What are the dates on the messages that you can see? "I hate us not talking" seems a little bit "off" to me and implies more than the story he has given you but then again I may be very wrong.

Also there's no way of knowing when he unfriended her, it could have been last week for all you know - How far do the messages go back? Perhaps there were a lot more that he deleted and he thought by deleting and muting her she wouldn't be able to make contact any further.

I'll reiterate again though that I might be wrong and he's telling the truth, the whole truth.

Trust your instinct is all the advice that I can give, you know him, I don't.

Good Luck!

LilacSpatula · 10/02/2017 00:35

40 + messages and no replies - is be inclined to believe him but if your gut tells you otherwise, then go with that. I've never been wrong when I've been sure.

Karrot · 10/02/2017 00:42

I agree, Emerald. The not talking thing was from November. The stag do when he was in her home town (not the one they grew up in, she lives elsewhere) which he says was the catalyst for her getting in touch again, was in September (just to clarify, he didn't see her at the stag do, he claims he's never seen this person since primary school!) he was tagged in some photos there and she apparently got in touch saying "Why didn't you let me know you were going to be in my home town?"

There is a constant stream of messages at least every few days from October to now. Within five minutes of me opening her last message ("hey", sent earlier tonight and previously unread, like the 40-odd others), she'd noticed and sent another.

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Karrot · 10/02/2017 00:44

But Lilac, what I don't get is why he has deleted the messages when they did talk? The initial "remember me from primary school" ones and the later ones when she contacted him after the stag do.

The only ones which still exist are the ones he hasn't replied to. The conversations (presumably on separate threads) are long gone.

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ApplePaltrow21 · 10/02/2017 01:11

Is your relationship even good? You both seem to have one foot out the door. By your own standards, you cheated yourself (first!) but think it's fine. You don't even have any evidence but you want to leave him.

I think this is probably a symptom that you are not generally happy in your relationship or life. I'd address that fully. Can't shake the feeling that you guys settled for each other and aren't really all in.

Karrot · 10/02/2017 01:18

No, I don't think it's fine that I (sort of) cheated. It was more than ten years ago and we went to counselling at the time and worked through it. It was a horrible, horrible time and I felt guilty for years.

When he exchanged the flirty messages with our friend (when DD was a baby), it was sort of understandable. We were having a very difficult time (difficult pregnancy, difficult baby and PND) and he was talking to her at a point when things were bleak and it developed into something it shouldn't have done. I was devastated, but I kind of got why it happened.

I just don't understand why he kept this recent thing from me if it is innocent. Why could he not just have said "Look at this, Karrot - getting stalky messages from a girl I haven't seen in 30 years - weird eh?" I just feel like he's betrayed me at a time when I thought things were as good as they ever have been between us.

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Pleasestoplickingthetv · 10/02/2017 01:54

I think the previous messages were deleted because he didn't want you to see them in case you got worried about them and then when he unfriended her, she carried on sending messages which he just decided to ignore and not delete as he wasn't replying to them.

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AlmostAJillSandwich · 10/02/2017 02:07

Honestly, he probably deleted them because he thought she was a bit off and had no need to keep a bunch of old messages. He didn't want to be friends with her, she wasn't relevant to him so he deleted them and forgot about her. When i've decided to end friendships i delete all message history, it really isn't a sinister thing to do. If they were only ever friendly chatting theres nothing to show, he decided he didn't want to engage in a friendship and it wasn't a big deal so it didn't cross his mind to show you. If he had made a point of saying to you "look at this woman, she's so stalkerish, it's creepy" would you honestly have had a niggle he was showing you to cover his tracks and he'd lead her on and given her a reason to be so clingy?
I think you are very premature to leave him over this, especially as you haven't contacted her to ask her who she is and why the hell she's messaging your husband every time she sees him pop online! If he hasn't done anything wrong and you leave then his innocence is vindicated later, you've split up your family for nothing.
Personally i'd message her, politely, and ask her can she please explain why she's so insistently messaging your husband when he's clearly not interested in replying to her messages. If she claims they had an emotional affair, ask her to screen shot and show you the messages, if they exist, she'll almost certainly still have them.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/02/2017 02:09

It's a tough one.

If this was my DH, I'd take it at face value, think nothing more of it, suggest he block her, and all of us move on. I certainly wouldn't be breaking up our family over it.

But that's because we don't have a history that's eroded the trust - just that little bit too much - to carry on.

If you think there is something to work with, then counselling probably does seem like a good idea.

Karrot · 10/02/2017 14:37

I contacted the girl today and asked her why she was sending tlso many messages and she just apologised and said she'd back off. No claim that he'd egged her on or anything so think he's probably telling the truth. I just find it difficult that he didn't tell me - I def would have told him in the same situation.

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