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Advice on getting access to child after 6 years

(179 Posts)
Crapfriends Thu 09-Feb-17 18:19:24

Posting here for traffic.
I was speaking to a colleague and he revealed he had a DC he hadn't seen in 6 years. I've had a shit time of it recently and he is a decent bloke and from everything he told me and showed me I felt like it would be good to help him. He had tried to go through the courts but ran out of money. He didn't know where DC had been living and from the court documents there is no reason for him not to have access other than mum simply doesn't want him in their lives. I'm trying to find advice. Gingerbread can only talk to the parent who the child resides with and I can't get through to families need fathers. I don't know where else to try for advice. He has PR as he hasn't been notified of any attempt to remove this from him but I believe the DC believes their step dad is their real dad. It's a sensitive subject and I know it's not really my place but he really hasn't known how to get contact with his child in years. He ran out of money to pursue it and has no idea where they are. I've seen evidence of the attempts he has made and myself wouldnhave recommended everything he has tried. Does anyone here have any advice or charities/organisations I can contact who may be able to help him?

WappersReturns Thu 09-Feb-17 18:31:34

I'd strongly advise you to stay out of it. You have absolutely no idea what the situation was or is. I'm sure he's a lovely guy but you really have no place interfering here. He could be absolutely on the level and he's been horribly wronged but on the other hand it could be the other way around. Either way you don't know, so please don't meddle even though you obviously mean well.

Creampastry Thu 09-Feb-17 18:34:19

He should be doing this, not you.

NotYoda Thu 09-Feb-17 18:36:07

If you can talk to us and google, then presumably he can too? I am sorry to sound unsympathetic, but this is his life and he's presumably capable of researching options.

bittapitta Thu 09-Feb-17 18:37:27

Is he paying child maintenance? I wouldn't believe his version of events to be honest. Stay out of it.

MrsToddsShortcut Thu 09-Feb-17 18:38:51

I have to ask why are you so involved? (I honestly mean that kindly). Perhaps he is genuine, but even if he is, unless you are prepared to lend him huge amounts of money, there is absolutely nothing that you will be able to access or find out that he wouldn't be able to access or find out too, if he really wanted to.

By all means be s friend if that's what you want, but you seem to be doing an awful lot of work that he could easily do himself.

Just be careful and don't get sucked into a situation that may be more complicated than it appears

ToadsforJustice Thu 09-Feb-17 18:40:04

Keep out of it. It's none of your business.

ScarletForYa Thu 09-Feb-17 18:41:29

Hmm I wouldn't take everything he tells you at face value OP.

Why are you getting so involved?

Is he just a colleague or is there something more to it?

SaucyJack Thu 09-Feb-17 18:42:25

Are you after a shag?

I don't get why you think this is your place to fix this for him.

CannotEvenDeal Thu 09-Feb-17 18:43:07

Does anyone here have any advice or charities/organisations I can contact who may be able to help him?

Is this a wind-up?

HermioneJeanGranger Thu 09-Feb-17 18:44:17

Don't get involved - if you can google and ask online for help, so can he.

Ilovecaindingle Thu 09-Feb-17 18:45:53

Sorry but all he had to do was speak to a solicitor. 30 mins are free so no excuse really. . .

ASpiderInTheManger Thu 09-Feb-17 18:50:55

I would definitely stay well out of it. How old is the child? I understand that your colleague is probably feeling like shit having not seen his child for six years but imagine how the child would feel to suddenly find out that their 'dad' wasn't really their dad. Complicated and messy all round and although your colleague might seem like a nice guy you don't know what went on his relationship or why his ex wanted to stop him having contact with their child.
Not saying this is the case of your colleague but one of my friends was being abused by her husband and you would never had thought it, he seemed like such a genuinely nice guy. Until we saw it for our own eyes that was. Nobody knows what goes on inside the homes of others really.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm Thu 09-Feb-17 18:53:26

Back away. WEEEEEEEEEEEELL away. I wouldn't be willing to bet that he's the wronged man he's led you to believe he is.

Oldbutstillgotit Thu 09-Feb-17 18:53:50

Keep out of this. Please. My DD's ( thankfully now) xBF told her a similar tale ; he hadn't been allowed to see his son for about 10 years because of "xGF from Hell" . Turned out he had convictions for Domestic Abuse.

ollieplimsoles Thu 09-Feb-17 18:55:10

Stay well out of it, you don't know if he was abusive to the child's mother and she could be trying to hide from him to protect her dc.

He should be doing this, not you.

user892 Thu 09-Feb-17 18:56:16

A loving father wanting to see his child will budget, beg, borrow, steal or starve in order to do so. Seems fishy and would keep out of it.

user892 Thu 09-Feb-17 18:58:07

Are you sure he's a colleague and not your new boyfriend? Seems odd to show you 'proof' as you say you've seen...

ollieplimsoles Thu 09-Feb-17 18:58:25

X posted with everybody!

AliceInUnderpants Thu 09-Feb-17 19:00:40

I'm sure it won't be long before you're shacked up with him, so he can replace one child with another that way wink

anxious2017 Thu 09-Feb-17 19:04:24

Are you actually serious? I've seen this happen so many times and quite often the father is an abuser who comes across very well. Is he paying CSA? If not, why? Is he trying to hide from them? How do you know he ran out of money and isn't just telling you that? How utterly bizarre - stay out of something that is absolutely none of your business. Also think of the poor child

TheFirstMrsDV Thu 09-Feb-17 19:08:37

Someone once gave my number to a woman who called me (friend had form for handing out my number to people she knew).
This woman called to ask me advice about her poor DP finding his beloved child. He was distraught. The mother was a bitch. Kept her from him. Wouldn't allow him access and now mother had put child in a home.

Coincidentally I knew who she was talking about.
Mother had raised severely disabled child on her own and had spent the last two years fighting tooth and nail to get a placement in a specialised residential SCHOOL.
They lived in the same area as father.
Mother hadn't moved since child was born.

I asked if father had PR for child. Nope. Never bothered to apply for it.
The father's new partner had clearly started asking questions about his child and father gave her a sob story. She fell for it and took it upon herself to reunite loving father and child.

Loving father who had not even bothered his bollocks to apply for PR which would have given him access to all his child's educational and medical records if he had wanted it.

Keep out of it. Its not a romantic fantasy. If he wanted contact with his child he would have it.

MrsDustyBusty Thu 09-Feb-17 19:42:47

It's extremely difficult to understand how women are so gullible.

Littleballerina Thu 09-Feb-17 19:46:48

What is stopping him from asking these questions himself?

Heirhelp Thu 09-Feb-17 19:52:10

He has had 6 years to do this for himself. Had he been unable to access the internet, even at the library, during this time. Has he only lived in Tesco value food, used public transport, had no days/nights out and bought himself no treats even a 20p bar of chocolate in this time? I thought not.

If I did not have access to my child I would do everything in my power to make it happen. It sounds like he is just not interested.

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