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Is my husband BU?

(74 Posts)
GiveMeVegemite Thu 09-Feb-17 12:39:49

My husband has stopped my mother seeing her grandchildren. My husband and I have 3 kids and my mum used to see them every week and used to help with school drop offs and pickups.

My mum has always been (in her words) a storyteller. I would say pathological liar, my husband would say sociopath. I have known since my childhood and recognised that she lies to everyone however I thought it was mostly innocent and just thought it was part of her personality. My husband thinks she does it to manipulate people.

Basically there have been a lot of things that were innocent lies and a lot of things that were quite hurtful, the worst being when my father died in November last year (who I had never met) and I found out she had been lying about him too and if she had told me the truth about my father I might have had someone who wanted to be a part of my life instead of me constantly trying to make contact with someone who wanted nothing to do with me. She lied about my father because the man who she said was my father had provided her with a house in a posh area (she told him we were his kids). But apparently its not him and it was some other guy who died 7 years ago. I was heartbroken. She also told me when I was a teenager if I ever tried to contact him she would never speak to me again, so I didn't try and contact him until I had a family of my own and felt it was very important and by then it was too late.

Within the last year she has told me she has cancer (she didn't), told me my sister has Hepatitis C (she doesn't), taken my son out and left him standing at the top of an escalator not knowing what to do and then she told him not to tell me (he's 4), told me my aunty is palliative and has 10 weeks to live (she is recovering from cancer and is not palliative) among loads of other not serious lies (about her job, her friends etc).

My mother and I are currently not speaking and haven't spoken since early December (when the person I thought was my father passed away). But i am willing to forgive her and just know that most of what she says is lies and for her to see the boys as long as I am with them, but my husband says she can't be in a position of trust with them because she could hurt them mentally. Is he being unreasonable?

NarkyMcDinkyChops Thu 09-Feb-17 12:42:37

No, I don't think he is.

ProudBadMum Thu 09-Feb-17 12:43:41

He is not. I agree with him. Keep her away

Soubriquet Thu 09-Feb-17 12:43:51

No he's not

It's not right for kids to have their heads messed with like that.

Imagine if your children was told nanny was dying and you spent a long time trying to console them to only be told "just kidding. Not really"

The poor children would be so messed up

RacoonBandit Thu 09-Feb-17 12:44:43

I think he is right.

sparklefarts Thu 09-Feb-17 12:45:18

No tour husband is right.
She's not worth having in your life. Do not let her hurt your children.

FenellaMaxwellsPony Thu 09-Feb-17 12:46:03

Your husband is 100% right.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Thu 09-Feb-17 12:46:13

Oh god I feel for you OP. But I think your husband is doing the right thing. He's protecting them and you.

LoupGarou Thu 09-Feb-17 12:46:26

No, I also don't think he's being unreasonable. You have a duty to protect your children from harm.

Ilovecaindingle Thu 09-Feb-17 12:46:32

Your dh isn't bu to do whatever is necessary to protect his dc. .
You should want to do the same.

FlyWaxSleepRepeat Thu 09-Feb-17 12:46:43

I'm with your husband on this, she should be nowhere near your children.

Popskipiekin Thu 09-Feb-17 12:46:45

Oh good god OP, sorry to say it - but I think you know it too - your 'D'M sounds like a nutjob! I am so very very sorry you did not have the chance to meet your father, I think that is unforgivable behaviour flowers

It is on the one hand admirable you would like your children to have a relationship with their grandmother, after all she has put you through, but actually might be quite dangerous to expose them to her without supervision? So I think your DH is being entirely reasonable to stop unsupervised contact I'm afraid. She actually put your son at physical risk leaving him on top of an escalator, never mind the mental scars she might be leaving if she is "telling stories" to your DC. So if you want them to continue to see her then do exactly as you propose - make sure you are always with them.

Buzzardbird Thu 09-Feb-17 12:47:05

Your DH is on the ball.

ImperialBlether Thu 09-Feb-17 12:47:39

He's absolutely right.

Rugbyplayersarehot Thu 09-Feb-17 12:49:15

You still see her but your dh is 100% right to protect your children.

Look how she's messed with you and you are minimising it through conditioning.

I do feel for you op but kids deserve better

MerryMarigold Thu 09-Feb-17 12:50:37

Sad to say, I think he is right. At the very least, your children will think that lying is acceptable as their Grandma does it. Even 'non serious' lies erode trust and you don't know what to believe eg. if someone phones their kids in sick when they're on holiday and then they tell me they can't make my kids' party because they are doing something else, I am left wondering. It makes relationships very unstable.

Stiddleficks Thu 09-Feb-17 12:50:57

Another one here that agrees with your dh. How can you ever trust her to look after your children if she lies to you about situations with them and asked them to lie to you?

Floozie66 Thu 09-Feb-17 12:51:00

Imagine it was your mil doing this and i think you would come to the same decision as your hb

WatchingFromTheWings Thu 09-Feb-17 12:51:19

He is doing the right thing. I wouldn't want my kids anywhere near someone like that.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Thu 09-Feb-17 12:51:39

Hell no, your husband sounds a very sensible man, your mother will damage your children -the escalator incident made me shock Who would do that? hmm

MerryMarigold Thu 09-Feb-17 12:52:05

Also, I think you have been lied to so much that you now have a hierarchy of 'lying' which in itself is mental scarring. Lying is lying and you can't trust a liar about anything they say.

Isadora2007 Thu 09-Feb-17 12:54:26

He is right. But you're not being unreasonable more unable to make a clear decision based on the emotional abuse of your mother towards you all your life. I'd be looking for some counselling to help you create strong boundaries to protect you if you want to keep on seeing your mum in your life. That way you can see clearly the lies and deception and protect yourself accordingly.

Blinkyblink Thu 09-Feb-17 12:59:22

Op, I am aghast that you're even asking the question.
Your mother has serious mental health problems, and no way would I leave a child with her.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Thu 09-Feb-17 13:04:22

Ask yourself a question.

If this wasn't your mother, if this was someone who wasn't family, would you let your children anywhere near her knowing what you do?

I don't think you would.

I think your husband is right. flowers

YetAnotherSpartacus Thu 09-Feb-17 13:05:19

You poor thing. I do agree with your DH on this one. I think he just wants to protect you, your DCs and yourself.

Your capacity for forgiveness is staggering TBH, which may not be a good thing. Some acts don't deserve forgiveness and I'm not sure that your mother's do.

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