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To wonder if sometimes it isn't best to leave a bad relationship?

(15 Posts)
ohpalsgem Wed 08-Feb-17 16:34:53

This isn't about me, or anything on here although I am mindful of a couple of RL friends who are both in pretty abusive marriages.

I know that the advice to leave is sound. But sometimes, wouldn't it just lead to further misery?

In both the cases I know, the women have no family - one had her parents die when she was still young herself, the other grew up in foster care. Their husbands earn all the money. They have a good standard of living but limited earring power themselves. Leaving would mean they were very isolated, lonely and in precarious and stressful financial situations.

I want to tell them both to leave, but they both say they can't. That they are better where they are.

Are they right?

ProudBadMum Wed 08-Feb-17 16:35:59

No

You never better off been abused. They might be poor if they leave but rather that than dead

Areyoufree Wed 08-Feb-17 16:37:40

No. Absolutely not. I know someone who was in that kind of situation, and it was a real struggle, but she got away, and now has a new life. It's never better to stay in an abusive relationship.

RoughBeast Wed 08-Feb-17 16:40:45

Leaving would mean they were very isolated, lonely and in precarious and stressful financial situations.

Leaving aside entirely the financial side of things as it would be regulated in the case of divorce, surely you're not suggesting that the loneliness of an abusive marriage is better than living by yourself?

Screwinthetuna Wed 08-Feb-17 16:41:05

Abusive??? Never, it's never the best option to stay in an abusive relationship.

Boring? Bicker a lot? Lame sex life? Then, I'd stay and make an effort to improve marriage, especially if I had kids with the man

ohpalsgem Wed 08-Feb-17 16:42:17

I don't know Rough, I'm not them. But I do think both feel lack of their own family acutely.

PickAChew Wed 08-Feb-17 16:43:29

YABU.

Magzmarsh Wed 08-Feb-17 16:44:16

I'd take being alone over stuck with someone who hated me/I hate any day of the week.

TheHodgeoftheHedge Wed 08-Feb-17 16:53:46

I left my abusive relationship a few years ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and it cost me nearly everything. But I had to save myself and I'd do it all over again to be free and happy and not trapped with someone who was supposed to love me but treated me appallingly.

Squirmy65ghyg Wed 08-Feb-17 17:44:20

They're not right but until they hit rock bottom they might not realise.

Being free is important. Money is an irrelevance if you're living a shit life.

WhooooAmI24601 Wed 08-Feb-17 17:53:09

Nope. Never happier, never better, never worth staying.

I moved area when I split with DS1's dad (no abuse/dv but needed a definite break). It absolutely was lonely and isolated and difficult for a while. I went without a lot of things while I went back to work full time and had to learn to deal with everything solo, including a 5 month old. And now, 11 years on, I have an incredibly happy life I'd never have had if we'd stayed together.

It's such an awful thing for a child to grow up watching unhappy parents in unhappy marriages; not only are they doing themselves a disservice but they're showing their DCs that unhappiness isn't something you can change or walk away from, it's to be tolerated and accepted. I've always hoped to give my DCs a healthier view of marriage and relationships, and can't really work out anyone feeling otherwise.

BitchQueen90 Wed 08-Feb-17 18:04:24

I left an unhappy relationship. No abuse involved, I was just fed up of my exH paying more attention to his xbox than me and our young DS. I was a SAHM and had to go on benefits until I was settled. Was it hard? Yes. Was I happier? One hundred per cent.

Life is too short to be miserable. No amount of financial security is worth putting up with crap from somebody. I left a relationship that I was just unsatisfied with, let alone one where I was being abused.

Eolian Wed 08-Feb-17 18:07:27

I have no personal experience of this, but I'd say no. The idea of being single does not scare me. The idea of being in a miserable or abusive marriage horrifies me.

ohpalsgem Wed 08-Feb-17 18:08:27

I don't think either are scared of being single but of being so totally alone with small children.

yummytummy Wed 08-Feb-17 18:12:31

My abusive marriage ended. I am a single parent isolated and with no family and very little support. It's horrible. But even so I still feel like I can at least breathe in peace. But truly honestly there isn't much difference and most of the time I struggle as now I am utterly alone. At least when he was here there was someone here for me. Before the abuse anyway

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