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I know I'm not BU, but can someone confirm it for me?

(68 Posts)
YawningHippo Wed 08-Feb-17 07:26:46

Am I being unreasonable to be fed up?

My DP is/was a heavy drinker ( I would say alcoholic, but the doctor didn't feel it was at that level and offered no help). He used to drink excessively ( 5+ cans, regularly more, and often cider/gin and tonic almost daily). Anyway, NYD he 'gave up', his choice prompted by our DS being due in May and to be fair didn't touch a drop for 4 weeks. Not long but still an achievement considering his difficulty with it.

He went to the doctor for help/advice and came away with sleeping pills/anti anxiety medication. Despite previously saying that he wanted to attend meetings he's used the fact the doctor wasn't concerned as justification that his problem wasn't 'that bad.' He believes he can manage it. So last week he comes to me with that conversation and we 'discuss' him being able to slowly introduce the occasional drink into his life. I said I didn't want him to, that he'd made such a good start and perhaps he should return to the doctor to get more support as he clearly needs it. I told him that he has a problem with alcohol and that he can't manage it, his words when he gave up. He's taken this as a point to prove me wrong so he is drinking again to show he can control it. Found 3 cans in the bin and a large bottle. Just feel so let down by him. His argument is that if it's only a couple of times a week then it's fine and normal. I disagree, as far as I understood if you had a problem with alcohol dependency giving up completely and getting ongoing help was the best way forward.

He can be very inconsiderate about things and quite closed off. Like letting me struggle in from the car with multiple bags while he settles on the sofa on his phone. And he is really possessive over money ( we have separate finances), he bought our DS's pushchair from his Very account so has been consistently going on about how he's spent all that money on his son whenever I try to discuss what else we get to plan to get. If he takes me out then a fuss is made about how he's 'treating' me. Normally he finds a way to get me to pay it, or even if I've paid the last couple of times, splitting it so he can save money because he never any apparently. He works and gets a good wage but he bets, so often drops into conversation that he's won £70 or similar, but I never see a penny.

Sounds such a catch doesn't he!?

I'm not stupid, it's just taken me a while to realise that this really isn't what I want. I want the him I get glimpses of sometimes when he can be bothered, but day to day he frustrates and disappoints me. I've other DC so I feel confident that I'll cope with another one on my own, much as I wish I didn't have to do it.

So I suppose I'm not being unreasonable, but I think I just needed to write it all down.

Fackorf Wed 08-Feb-17 07:30:35

I don't think you are being unreasonable flowers

toomuchfaster Wed 08-Feb-17 07:33:08

YANBU, but maybe get this moved to Relationships so you can get good advice.

Trifleorbust Wed 08-Feb-17 07:34:03

YANBU. This won't get better. flowers

contractor6 Wed 08-Feb-17 07:35:33

He can give up but obviously doesn't want to.
However given all the other things you've said, are you going to get support from him after baby is born?
Only you can make decision but I'd be out of there

YawningHippo Wed 08-Feb-17 07:35:34

I've just put so much of myself on the back burner for two years to try and sort his issues and I'm just so fed up of it all. I've completely lost who I was, who I left my failed marriage to become. I feel so cheated. I've lost all my friends, my social life, all on the chance that he was right for me.

DameDeDoubtance Wed 08-Feb-17 07:36:21

Like toomuch said, get this moved to relationships.

He isn't a nice person is he, he sounds very selfish and immature.

YawningHippo Wed 08-Feb-17 07:37:42

I can raise the baby without his support if needed, but I doubt he'd not offer me something each month. He is genuinely excited about being a father and due to his own disaster our childhood, he'd never see a child of his not have support.

oleoleoleole Wed 08-Feb-17 07:38:31

He's probably secretly drinking and that's where his money goes. Issue an ultimatum that the drink goes or,you will.

ChuckSnowballs Wed 08-Feb-17 07:38:39

Gambler and drinker. Cool. And lazy with it. Oh and a tightwad.

What's not to like?

YawningHippo Wed 08-Feb-17 07:39:29

To be honest, it wasn't advice I needed. I know that nothing can help. I just needed the fiery ladies of AIBU to agree/disagree with me and hold me steady.

Montgomerysleftpaw Wed 08-Feb-17 07:40:21

I wrote a v similar thread to this recently. I'm currently either on a trial separation from, or in the early stages of leaving, my partner. We have a 5 mo son. I'm so sorry this is happening to you- I know how you must be feeling

This is how things are panning out for us- PM if you'd like a chat and some solidarity

YawningHippo Wed 08-Feb-17 07:41:23

I know it's not secret drinking, he has no chance to do it secretly and he's a brazen type so would never hide it on the principle of 'take me as i'am or not at all'. He came to me to discuss drinking again as a curtesy to our relationship, he'd already decided to drink again.

wowfudge Wed 08-Feb-17 07:42:46

YANBU. As you have said yourself, there's not a lot in the relationship for you.

OutsSelf Wed 08-Feb-17 07:43:20

Yanbu also do not get drawn into discussion about how much he can/not drink. He can do what he likes, but you do not have to be around him when he is drinking and you have a right to object to his spending family money on alcohol.

Being the alcohol police is a way into madness, and you can't let him suck you into it. Think what your expectations are regarding his behaviour and his financial contribution and distance yourself from his calculations about how much alcohol he is able to drink under those conditions. He has to know that the alcohol is him, all him, and he can't write mad little stories about what you have set or allowed. His own drinking is all him, and the only thing you should say about is, do what you like but no drinking round me or the DC, not even small amounts as your past brahviour has shown that you can't always stick to a plan to drink a small amount. If he thinks that's grossly unfair that is his look out and if he really can manage it, not drinking when he is spending time with you and the DC will not be a problem at all.

Auspiciouspanda Wed 08-Feb-17 07:45:58

He's a relapsed alcoholic that doesn't want to give up booze. You don't want to bring your children up around someone like that. Your children will see his awful behaviour (including his selfishness) and think it's normal. It is not.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 08-Feb-17 07:45:59

Yanbu but you know that - a drinking, gambling, selfish man child - what a prize

BakeOffBiscuits Wed 08-Feb-17 07:51:23

As others have said he's an alcoholic, please don't let your children be brought up by him. It's really not fair on them or you.

He also gambles, is mean with his money and leaves you to carry heavy shopping whilst pregnant. Just leave him, things will only get worse when new baby arrives.

AddToBasket Wed 08-Feb-17 07:57:32

YANBU of course. I agree that being the alcohol police/issuing ultimatums is the road to madness. However, he may not have appreciated what he is risking. A few counselling sessions before you decide what to do next would be money well spent. You can discuss why you feel you have to leave and you'll know you tried.

YawningHippo Wed 08-Feb-17 08:03:57

He knows exactly what's at stake, that's why he chose to try giving up in the first place. I really do feel like I can't do more.

FurryLittleTwerp Wed 08-Feb-17 08:08:53

He is an alcoholic, regardless whether the GP thought him "not too bad".

It's more the attitude & the regularity, the psychological dependency, than the actual amount.

Very few alcoholics can manage to stick to the occasional drink, certainly long-term.

Penfold007 Wed 08-Feb-17 08:10:20

YANBU you know what you need to do. Your existing children and your as yet unborn child deserve better and so do you. Give the baby your surname and don't put the father on the birth certificate. Your P probably wasn't truthful with the doctor.

OutsSelf Wed 08-Feb-17 08:10:25

Don't do it anymore. It's not worth the endless, exhausting strategising of how to get him to x, y, Z., or make him understand, or the ongoing challenge of thinking constantly, oh am I being unreasonable, perhaps x or y boundary if mine is too rigid. Fuck all of that right off, pack his bags, and take a high five from all of us.

NormaSmuff Wed 08-Feb-17 08:11:28

it is not up to the GP whether he goes to groups surely?
just look in the phone book, find a group.
have you thought of going to al anon yourself?

NormaSmuff Wed 08-Feb-17 08:12:14

he gave up for 4 weeks?
that is nothing.

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