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AIBU?

I think my colleague is lying about an I'll relative wwyd

33 replies

whatisforteamum · 07/02/2017 20:21

I have I'll parents and df is terminal although doing okish at the moment so although colleagues know they are likely to pass away soon day to day it is work as normal.
Recently a younger colleague has mentioned they too have a parent with cancer which I guess is likely if one in two of us will be diagnosed.I have been sympathetic.But lots things don't ring true.they were admitted to a hospital then discharged as beds were unavailable.then readmitted to one in the next county a week later!!.
Next they were doing OK then they were under sedation.I'm struggling with the sympathy now as I know the cancer journey is very tough as I've seen plenty with DM and df I just think this person isn't telling the truth.I don't want to be awful to them and in a lot of ways its none of my business except when we've covered for them.wwyd....ignore or ask after their relative ?

OP posts:

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ThePinkOcelot · 07/02/2017 20:24

Personally, I would continue to ask how their relative is. You never know, it may be true. Why anyone would lie about that is beyond me!

Trifleorbust · 07/02/2017 20:26

Firstly, sorry about your parents.

You really can't treat this person as if they have made up a close relative having cancer, though, not on the basis of what you have said here. It is highly unlikely that they would invent such a serious issue. Please continue to show sympathy, or distance yourself from the colleague of you are really having trouble believing what they are saying to you.

BrownEyedLady · 07/02/2017 20:28

Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Llanali · 07/02/2017 20:32

As above!

Cancer presents very differently in different patients and situations. There's no way of predicting the path it will take.

For example, the respite care in our area is in the hospital; it is totally possible you could've gone into hospital, been recommended respite care, but there been no availability. So you go home, but a trust in the next county does have space....

Counties mean nothing. For example Peterborough is Cambridgeshire, but shares services with Stamford which is actually Lincolnshire.

Similarly, I have come across patients sedated lightly if they cannot cope with symptoms and side effects from Chemo- so they could be well enough for chemo one week, then smhave some seizures so be sedated the next.

There is no way of telling.

harderandharder2breathe · 07/02/2017 20:32

Give them the benefit of the doubt, if you can't then just back off from the colleague

ShatnersBassoon · 07/02/2017 20:34

Unless this colleague has form for being a total fantasist, there's no reason to doubt her.

What she's saying about her relative being pushed from pillar to post doesn't sound at all unlikely. Cancer treatment isn't one size fits all.

MixedGrill · 07/02/2017 20:36

None of that 'doesn't ring true' just because it doesn't match your experience!

Sorry about your Dad.

honeylulu · 07/02/2017 20:40

I thought this was going to be about fibbing to skive off work...
I would say that both my mum and my SIL were diagnosed with breast cancer last year and their treatments and recovery were so different. Mum had mastectomy, recoverd reallywill from surgery, then chemo a few weeks later which made her so ill she was switched to radiotherapy.
SIL has several months of chemo (and felt ok with it) to shrink tumour, then a mastectomy afterwards and has really struggled with her recovery from surgery, was in a wheelchair at first etc. So experiences can be so different.

Birdsgottaf1y · 07/02/2017 20:49

I've worked in end of life care, as well as having numerous relatives have/die from it.

There hasn't been a similarity in the symptoms, or their treatment, to the point that I would go around saying that people are lying about a diagnosis.

Our main A&E (Liverpool) won't necessarily admit someone under a Terminal pathway, because of a shortage of beds, but the one in the next County (Clatterbridge, Wirral) would, once symptoms worsen.

Everyone I've known has had a fluctuation in symptoms.

Nicky333 · 07/02/2017 20:55

Not that I'm saying your colleague is lying, but I know someone who did lie about having cancer. He's currently in prison for obtaining cash and services fraudulently, which people gave to him because of his 'cancer'.

user1484226561 · 07/02/2017 20:56

nothing you have said "doesn't ring true"

whatisforteamum · 07/02/2017 21:00

Thank you all.This person has lied about trivia before and jokingly said they wouldn't trust anything that came from their mouth.I really hope they aren't lying for attention and their relative has health problems anyway.I will continue to ask after their relative as a decent person would.my df and DM have had many close calls with advanced cancer and if anyone heard their prognosis they would think I was a liar.

OP posts:

TinselTwins · 07/02/2017 21:03

they were admitted to a hospital then discharged as beds were unavailable. this happens all the time, partularly for procedures like operations. You can be admitted to a "normal" bed pre-op, but if there are no recovery or intensive care beds for post op complications they'll cancel some cases.

then readmitted to one in the next county a week later!! Yup! standard! see above!
Next they were doing OK then they were under sedation again, happens… unfortunately people come through fine then have complications later..

I see nothing that doesn't ring true, in fact a liar probably wouldn't be thinking of all these standard bed-state issues that are happening across the NHS at the moment.

TinselTwins · 07/02/2017 21:06

If they're a liar they're a very good one. All kinds of booked stuff gets cancelled either for emergencies or lack of beds. It's the low level "grind" of living with an illness, IMO a liar would just go for the "highlights" not the mundane things about being pushed back and forth.. but then I don't have the mind of a liar really, I'm just saying that if they do, they're very good. It rings VERY true.

Benedikte2 · 07/02/2017 21:12

In a recent episode of Hospital two cancer patients had their operations delayed because of lack of beds. One was put off, I think, about 3 times in total before he finally had his oesophagus removed. So just because the op is urgent does not mean the patient can be treated urgently. Also item on news a week or so ago about aNHS in some areas not meeting the targeted time for chemo and radiotherapy .
I'm sorry about your DP OP. I've been through it and it's a gruelling way to lose loved ones.
Be kind to your colleague and if later it transpires she's been untruthful then the shame is hers

TinselTwins · 07/02/2017 21:15

sometimes the more serious/urgent an op is the more likely it is to be delayed, because there's a whole chain - if its a very serious risky operation the person doesn't just need a ward bed they'll also need a recovery bed then an intensive care bed then back to a ward bed. So 3 beds all need to be lined up for them. At the capacity A&Es are working at you can easily see how they get postponed.

theclick · 07/02/2017 21:19

They may not be lying at all.

My FIL went from being ok when I was leaving for a work trip to nil by mouth by the time I got back and basically bed-ridden. Within a week long period. He was going to come home; instead he ended up in hospital for three further weeks.

Also they may not want to go into details about it so they just say they're ok - I didn't want to talk about him at work as I'd start crying which I don't like doing at work.

I'd give the benefit of the doubt for a while.

lalalalyra · 07/02/2017 21:29

Cancer care varies so much from area to area.

I have a relative who lives in Lanarkshire, gets her treatment in Glasgow, but the hospice care is in Forth. Even though that is the norm in that area the difference in treatment, standards and even funds is unreal. The hospice day care recommend something, the hospital agree and then the OT disagrees because they have a different policy or procedure. It only took 2 weeks for the weekly day care space to become available and there is no provision for an overnight/weekend respite, despite the fact the hospital have recommended it because they are used to dealing with a different hospice who do offer overnight/weekend respite yet they are amazed that she got day care so quickly because it takes ages elsewhere.

You can't judge from one experience. Everywhere is so different.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/02/2017 21:31

But lots things don't ring true.they were admitted to a hospital then discharged as beds were unavailable.then readmitted to one in the next county a week later!!

It does happen. I had a cancer op cancelled.

Sofabitch · 07/02/2017 21:35

Cancer sucks. We were told my grandad was in his final days last week. They stopped fluids read his last rights he hadn't woken up in days. Then suddenly woke up and has been better each day. And less than a week later is about to be discharged home. I mean he's still dying but the whole up down shit is hard work and emotionally draining. I think its pretty normal for there to be a large variance in how it affects peole9

whatisforteamum · 07/02/2017 21:43

I agree that my parents were both on chemo together and planned their funerals etc in 2012.thanks for the perspective and I'm so sorry to everyone e who has been on this rocky cancer journey.

OP posts:

Noodledoodledoo · 07/02/2017 21:46

Mine wasn't cancer but I was admitted with a suspected appendicitis but the registrar sent me home for a good nights sleep as it wasn't an emergency and made me go back the next morning for the repeat bloods. We are only 15 mins from the hospital overnight and he said I would be better off sleeping in my own bed than sitting on a seat in a&e!

Best wishes for your dad

Libitina · 07/02/2017 21:46

I'd say trust your instincts!

Don't call them on it, but just back off slightly in order to protect yourself at this time.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 07/02/2017 21:53

my mum went from looking completely healthy and having migraines to struggling to swallow and on meal replacement shakes, half hour to navigate 1 set of 13 stairs, unable to wash herself etc in less than a month rushed to hospital for severe anemia, kept in a week then allowed home, 5 days later major decline and she died.
cancer is very unpredictable, its different for everyone and treatment affects everyone differently. I would never question somethig like this, imagine if it is true how awful you'd feel for thinking they were lying.

GinIsIn · 07/02/2017 21:53

There isn't anything that you've said about their experience with cancer that doesn't ring true. It simply doesn't match your experience. We had all that sort of thing and more with my DF so I can easily believe it.

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