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AIBU to cut DM out of my life?

(10 Posts)
DrRichardKimble Tue 07-Feb-17 15:33:43

I'll try not to make this too long winded!

DM divorced DF just after I was born and a few years later married a man who turned out to be abusive and we all moved away from our home town and relatives. SF beat us when we're were naughty (see how I justify it sad) and the EA was constant (i was once threatened with being locked up in police cells if I didn't tell the truth) but DM stayed until I left home at 21, imo because he was middle class and she enjoyed the lifestyle. DM would physically punish us too and I remember her grabbing my hair and yanking my head down once. She would also snap a lot and lose her temper easily (she once kicked our dog down the stairs and broke it's leg).
Despite this I always had a good relationship with her until I reached my 30's and started to question my childhood. I think my own issues became too obvious to ignore (relationships and 3 suicide attempts, first one at 16) and through counselling realised I had blocked out most of my childhood memories, which isn't a good sign.
I began to stand up to DM which annoyed her as DS (who left home at 16 to get away) is less affected and very easy going and therefore her favourite. There are too many examples of her moods to list but years ago when I moved in with XDP she offered to buy carpet but when I told her we were spending Xmas day with DP'S parents as we went to hers the previous year she refused to buy the carpets. I had PND after DS1 and she said it was all in my head. When I got married she told DB to keep the receipt for the wedding present. Oh and she told DF (when they split) that I wasn't his daughter (don't think its true but who knows) which led to him writing that in his will for his whole family to see.
More recently she has stopped speaking to me on quite a few occasions but most of the time I have no idea why (it could be something like me not phoning her) but she makes it obvious that she's annoyed. I go out of my way to do things for her and spend a lot of money at Xmas etc on her presents. Last year I got her a new tablet to replace an old one I gave her and when she opened it she said, I already have one. This year I got her a hot water dispenser as she has a bad wrist and complained about lifting the kettle, she doesn't use it as she wants to fill a pot not a cup. I also got her a smartphone and fire tv stick but she can't use them as they're "too complicated".
I finally lost it when she came round to tell me something and I was unloading the dishwasher while my dinner was in the microwave. I kept unloading as she spoke as I was knackered after work and wanted to sit down. She flounced out of the house and I ran after her with her gloves she had left. She snatched them out of my hand (roughly, as it made me jump) and told me I was rude for not stopping to speak to her and drove off.
I've now reached the stage where I'm fed up with her moods and tired of feeling guilty, even when I don't know what I've done. Because I suffer from anxiety I find things like this so hard to deal with.
I don't want to keep going through this anymore but people have said she's my mother so I should ignore it. AIBU?

Gottagetmoving Tue 07-Feb-17 15:42:21

You keep trying to please your DM and I am afraid that is making her treat you even worse.
I am all for resolving issues with parents and not cutting them out but from what you say I think you have put up with enough.
There is NO excuse for her or your SF to have ever hit you.
Your mother bullies you and abuses you. I doubt she will ever change. YOU can't change her or make her be nice to you. You can only change how you deal with it and maybe then she may have to stop and think, but don't bank on it.
Have you ever tried talking to her about her behaviour?
I know it is difficult but you may have to cut her out of your life.
Counselling would be useful. Not to change her but to help you understand why you feel the need to please her.

DrRichardKimble Tue 07-Feb-17 15:46:56

Got thank you. You actually made me cry as I was expecting to be called a cow. I haven't really spoken to her about it as we're not that sort of family. I've tried counselling but my lack of memories made it hard. It did help me see that I WAS abused as a child though as I never really believed it.

Gottagetmoving Tue 07-Feb-17 15:57:22

Sadly, You get caught up in a cycle of abuse when you try to make things better by pleasing an abuser and you feel it is your fault.
Lack of memories is not that important. It is how your mothe ris with you now that matters and how you are dealing with it,
Try counselling again. A different counsellor can make a difference!
Your mother will be more difficult once you stand up to her -It is a tactic to halt you in your tracks and make you back off.
Your DM will be aware she has been in the wrong - she just doesn't want to admit it to you or herself.
You sound kind and caring. Don't ever blame yourself for how she treats you.

DrRichardKimble Tue 07-Feb-17 16:08:16

I'm going to carry on standing my ground! Thank you flowers

Katy07 Tue 07-Feb-17 16:13:27

She abused you as a child and she's still trying to do the same. Don't let her. You'll not change her by continuing to try and please her; you'll probably not change her either by standing up to her but you'll feel better for it. Try not to feel guilty because she's the one in the wrong not you. brew and cake

Ilovecaindingle Tue 07-Feb-17 16:19:15

I cut my mother out years ago. Don't feel bad for putting your own welfare first. . You will feel the benefit before too long. .. And don't look back.

DJBaggySmalls Tue 07-Feb-17 16:26:21

I went NC with mine for the same kind of reasons. It was like having a rotten tooth pulled. flowers

peggyundercrackers Tue 07-Feb-17 16:30:12

i would stand my ground but wouldn't cut ties with her. if she gets annoyed and leaves just leave her be, don't fall over yourself to please her, treat her the same as you would treat other people.

DrRichardKimble Tue 07-Feb-17 16:30:47

Thank you all star
I feel slightly foolish for doubting myself but the fact my sister is in regular contact with her probably added to that.
I'm glad I made the decision to step away, I already feel relief from not worrying about doing something wrong. And thank you for cake just what I needed.

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