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DP's recent behaviour - AIBU?

(113 Posts)
EvaDescendingTheStair Tue 07-Feb-17 14:36:16

Hello MN,

Lurker of several months, first time poster. I will try to keep this has brief as possible without drip feeding.

I've seen enough to know that I may be flamed but here goes...

I have been with my DP for over 7 years. We are both 29 and have lived together for 6 years, no children, one splendid furry emperor cat.

Our relationship has had its ups and downs but until about 4 years ago was generally pretty strong, all the couples we know envied our situation. Sadly I can't see anybody envying some of the scenes guests have witnessed at our house in recent months.

I have been signed off work with stress, depression and anxiety since September 2016 and spent a period in a mental health hospital last year. I am a recovering alcoholic and have not drunk since the 4th of November 2016.

When I first returned from hospital, my DP was lovely - he had cleared the house of alcohol, took two days off work to stay with me, offered to help out around the house (I generally wait on him hand and foot and he doesn't have to lift a finger) and was generally lovely particularly given my peculiar behaviour due to increased medication. This lasted about 10 days. Since then he has had his friends round here drinking with increasing frequency and has reverted to doing nothing, asking me for everything. He talks at me about things while I'm clearly doing something else (usually for him) then accuses me of rudeness and not paying attention because I'm not looking directly at him. Everything I do is either met with indifference (he generally forgets to utilise please and thank you) or picked to shreds.

I've realised over the last few days that I don't want to be around him, the stress makes me feel ill and I've been sick several times in recent weeks, usually when discussing or thinking about him come to think of it but it could just be coincidence.

The worst of it is, I have been subject to pretty unpleasant texts, phone calls and behaviour from him recently.

Mid January he came home from work around 5pm and found me asleep in bed (I have been sleeping a lot both at night and during the day since being on quite a high dosage of anti depressants but this is interspersed with extensive periods of being awake every few days - I'm talking 50 hours +, really need to sort out my sleep routine), he shouted at me to get up and sort out the kitchen (I hadn't eaten the night before, that morning or during the day so all washing up bar a couple of mugs and spoons had been generated by his eating, petty but true) and pulled the duvet off me. He then poured a whole pint of cold water over me as I lay in bed curled up in a ball (it was sitting by the bed as I'd refilled it about an hour beforehand to drink then fallen asleep). He then shouted some more and went away. The frostiness waned throughout the evening and I even ended up giving him sex that night (it's just not worth the hassle if I don't, he'll get his way sooner or later). By 'giving him sex' I mean having sex and acting a bit like a porn star purely for his benefit, I don't fancy him at the moment despite him being an extremely fine 6' 6" specimen, I'm sick of him.

On the 19th of January he came home from work and again I was sleeping. He shouted at me and pulled the duvet off, again I was lying on my side in a ball. He put his torso near my knees and was being a dick so naturally I assumed he was about to do something unpleasant and extended my arm to near my knees. He moved his face into my hand at the same time and claims I intentionally lashed out at his face. I was barely conscious as had been woken from a deep sleep by a shouting twat and in no way did I intentionally hit him. In return he landed two hard vertical punches on my side, one on my hip and one on the side of my stomach. Hard enough to hurt significantly and I have a pretty high pain threshold. I received the following text message later in the evening:

"You're a c*nt I can't believe you have the cheek to A. strike out at my face while I'm attempting to wake you and B. rot in bed all morning, afternoon an (it cuts off here because my phone's a dinosaur but the gist is clear)."

On the 1st of Feb I pressed a button on my phone that blocks his calls (childish, I know, and now I can't turn it off - have been economic with the truth and claimed I've done something to calls and don't know how to change it back, partially true) and received the following texts:



Incidentally, I wasn't in bed at the time.

AIBU in thinking this is not a normal healthy relationship?

I feel he is holding me back with regards to mental health at the moment and would really like to ask him to stay somewhere else for a few weeks so we can both have some space but have a feeling he'll react badly to this suggestion. I fled a house from my previous partner though so am reluctant to be the one to stay elsewhere plus there is no way I am being parted from my cat and he loves living in our house, outside at the back is perfect for him (trees and bushes all the way down a big hill, rich in tasty rodents to disembowel and crunch up on my floor) and we're on a fairly quiet road. I can't just pick him up and drop him anywhere, my DM is desperate for him to 'stay' (she means end up living with) her, which I just can't allow, she's not having him. I can afford the rent and bills on this place on my own as long as I'm careful with money (I seem to have oodles now it's not disappearing on 3 bottles of wine a day though!) My DP's parents and at least one of his cousins have the space to put him up and he and his cousin are like brothers.

Any advice on The Crunch Talk?

Thank you smile xXx

Sorry for essay, argh sad

DementedUnicorn Tue 07-Feb-17 14:38:55

Don't talk. Leave

Somerville Tue 07-Feb-17 14:40:24

I hope you won't be flamed. I don't see why you would be. I'd suggest asking for this to be moved to relationships though, where there will be more targeted support, if you would like that.

I think ending this relationship is essential, but also could be dangerous. He is verbally, physically and sexual abusive and you have proof of it with the texts. I would encourage you to call on as much support as you can, and to phone Women's aid for advice on ending the relationship safely.

BingoBingoBingoBango Tue 07-Feb-17 14:41:33

This is awful. You need to get out.

NavyandWhite Tue 07-Feb-17 14:42:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MillionToOneChances Tue 07-Feb-17 14:42:26

Have a friend or family member there with you and tell him you need him to move out because his aggression towards you is getting out of hand. If he won't move out, you and the cat move to your mum's until you find somewhere else. Don't engage, don't fight with him, just end it. You can't go on like this.

FlipperSkipper Tue 07-Feb-17 14:42:29

He is abusive. You need to find the strength to leave this relationship, you deserve better.

Hopefully someone will be along with proper advice soon, but I couldn't read and not reply.

SecretLimonadeDrinker Tue 07-Feb-17 14:43:11

Please, please leave him, he sounds awful and you deserve so much better then to be treated like this. Contact women's aid as a starting point.

MillionToOneChances Tue 07-Feb-17 14:43:14

And Somerville's advice about Woman's Aid and getting this moved to Relationships is bang on.

Somerville Tue 07-Feb-17 14:44:55

Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247

TheSparrowhawk Tue 07-Feb-17 14:45:08


He rapes you
Punches you
Verbally abuses you
Pours water over you

You don't need a Crunch Talk. You need the police.

livefornaps Tue 07-Feb-17 14:46:06

Get your mum round to help, pack his stuff, put it outside and change the locks

ohfourfoxache Tue 07-Feb-17 14:46:31

Leave. Now. And take the cat.

Actually, also inform the police- he has assaulted you.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 07-Feb-17 14:46:55

You need to leave, he sounds awful. Hope someone will be here to give you better advice flowers.

Orangetoffee Tue 07-Feb-17 14:47:02

He most likely was the cause of your stress, anxiety, depression imo. He ia abusive, please leave him.

venusinscorpio Tue 07-Feb-17 14:48:03

OP, he is abusive and he's not going to get any better. He is not doing your MH any good at all. Please just tell him the relationship is over, with someone else there if you feel scared.

BalaRua Tue 07-Feb-17 14:48:32

This is absolutely horrible to read.

You are being abused.

You need to pack your things and get to somewhere safe, immediately.

I'd do it while he's not around to avoid angering him and risking something even worse happening.

PLEASE get out. flowers

ohfourfoxache Tue 07-Feb-17 14:48:54

Holy fuck, this in in AIBU? shock

I'm amazed you even have to ask.

This thread needs to be in relationships. It is clear yanbu

DJBaggySmalls Tue 07-Feb-17 14:49:49

Get help and get out flowers
Womens Aid can offer practical advice and support, including the Freedom program.
0808 2000 247
Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline Run in partnership between Women’s Aid & Refuge

Trifleorbust Tue 07-Feb-17 14:50:54

Leave. You know this is the only advice any sensible person would give. Take the cat.

DeleteOrDecay Tue 07-Feb-17 14:51:00

Oh you poor

He is horrible and abusive, please leave him.

RainyDayBear Tue 07-Feb-17 14:52:36

I was going to say LTB after you said he was bringing friends round drinking when you're a recovering alcoholic (well done for keeping going, you're doing fantastically well with so little support). Leave, take the cat, don't look back! Lots of good advice from previous posters and the relationships forum give excellent advice too.

girlelephant Tue 07-Feb-17 14:52:57

OP another person to say please leave. Your mental and physical health are in danger. Do you have family/friends you can stay with?

formerbabe Tue 07-Feb-17 14:53:29

You don't need a "crunch talk''. You need to leave...he sounds awful. Thank your lucky stars you don't have children with him and can have a clean break.

Congratulations on your recovery by the way flowers

Basicbrown Tue 07-Feb-17 14:54:58

I wonder why you have a drink problem/ depression and anxiety...?

Getting rid of this vile abusive lump would be more effective than any therapy or medication. Yanbu but need to ltb.

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