aibu to be pissed off by inconsiderate people?

[Areasonablegal]

I am in late pregnancy and have a young child who is 16m.

Thanks to mil both of us have been ill since early december. - what was a bad cold and chesty cough for mil turned into something far more serious for me and lo as we have no immunity given that he is a baby and i am pregnant - chest, throat and ear infections that we couldnt shift and ended up with both of us on several sets of antibiotics and ill for several months...also, aside from antibiotics its a case of only being able to have paracetamol to help with the nasty symptoms. My lo stopped sleeping as he was too poorly and so did i which made it all 100x worse as i am a stay at home mom who has no help with lo.

Mil always turns up here when she is obviously ill and then pretends not to be, because she obviously knows she is shouldnt. My oh thinks iabu but im sick of it.

Why cant people keep their germs to themselves rather than deliberately putting themselves around vulverable people and pretending they arent ill whilst coughing their guts up over everyone amd passing their germs on.

I know i sound ranty but tbh its not mil who is pregnant and cant take meds when ill...nor is it mil who has to stay awake all night for weeks (in this case months) on end when lo is poorly....not to mention that it is not her who is left looking after a grumpy, ill child whilst also ill, pregnant and sleep deprived!

So, she turned up for a few hours this morning unannounced...and after she left she called oh for help with some stuff today as she has a really bad tummy bug and has had it really bad since yesterday! (But still came here today, was all over my lo and once again pretended not to be ill!).

Am i losing my shit for no reason or is it fair for me to be pissed off that she keeps turning up ill (knowingly and hiding it from us) and making us ill too all the time? My oh has now got a bad tummy...

Im genuinely concerned about this bug as im worried it could send me into preterm labour if i get it.

How can anyone be so selfish?!

[TobleroneBoo]

Thats disgusting behaviour from her & your DH!

[MrsHathaway]

Have you explicitly pointed out to her that she's making you ill? She may not have made the connection.

If so, start turning her away. Open the door in surprise and say you're just going out. No you can't wait. Nope.

Or say "you're looking a bit peaky, MIL. Are you ill again? Last time you brought us a bug DC1 ended up on antibiotics/in bed for a week and we just can't go through that again." At the moment she's getting away with not mentioning it - do you think she'd lie to your face?

[Areasonablegal]

MrsH, she definitely knows and i think this is why she hides it.

It doesnt help that she has another dc who is always ill but because that dc parents dont mind her being around their child whilst ill, (because she often catches it from them in the 1st place!) she expects it to be ok with us too.

Ive told her it isnt ok and that i dont want lo or me (whilst pregnant) to be around sick people as it comes down on us harder because of the immunity issues.

When she was here earlier she didnt kiss me on the cheek to say bye - probably because she knew she shouldnt have been here and that she would pass it on! - didnt stop her slobbering all over my lo though. Im fuming.

[MrsHathaway]

If she's rude, be rude back!

If she can't recognise that your (yours and DC's) immune system is weaker than her other DC/DGC and different approaches are needed then she's either RUDE or hard of thinking. Either way a little plain speaking is needed.

As for your OH, he needs to be more assertive as well. Surely he doesn't think this is ok?

[StrawberryShortcake32]

Don't let her near your LO.Another vote here for saying you are just going out the door. Make it somewhere she won't want to go in case she suggests she come too.

Although she is most definitely being very selfish it seems you also have a definite DH problem. He needs to be sticking up for you and telling her how it is. It's his mother!

[Areasonablegal]

Thanks x I agree. My OH just doesnt seem to get it re our lack of immunity. He thinks its just made up or something. It doesnt help that mil keeps peddling the story of how the other parents are ok with her being around their dc when she us ill - He thinks im being silly to get so annoyed

[MrsHathaway]

Does he notice when you're ill, or does he think DC is faking diarrhoea?

[Areasonablegal]

Exactly!

[Areasonablegal]

He thinks i have it in for mil and thinks she isnt doing it on purpose. Bollocks

[StrawberryShortcake32]

I don't understand how you don't do something like that on purpose. You know you are ill, don't come into contact with vulnerable people. If you do then you are purposely knowing they could get it.

[Areasonablegal]

Exactly Strawberry....it makes me so angry! I would never do that!

[Areasonablegal]

• when i have confronted her she always says things like 'no, im not sick, some food/drink lies just went down the wrong way'....then shes coughing her guts up and its fucking obvious she is lying.

[Areasonablegal]

She us a selfish bitch who doesnt give 2 hoots about me, her dc or unborn dc. She only cares for herself so in her fucked up head mind, if she wants to see dc or pass time as she is bored then she will and bollocks to the consequences for us.

[Areasonablegal]

Dgc not dc!

[NinaMarieP]

YADNBU.

My MIL had sinusitis a few weeks ago. She immediately messaged me to say not to come over with 12 week scan pictures as planned, as she didn't want me to catch it from her.

Your MIL on the other hand seems to think it's fine to pass on every illness she gets - not nice even if you aren't pregnant or a small child.

[EmeraldScorn]

She obviously has no common sense and you're just going to have to be more assertive; Tell her straight that if she is unwell in any way then she is not to come near your home.

It's pretty selfish to risk passing on a cold etc to a pregnant woman. As for your husband don't seek his approval or opinion on the matter, go ahead and bar the mother in law on every occasion that she is coughing etc.

[StrawberryShortcake32]

Screw that! Does she come over when DH is home as well or is it just to see you and DC? If it's all of you maybe you could excuse yourselves and go upstairs for a 'nap' or something and leave DH to entertain her.

[Gooseygoosey12345]

Let DH look after your lo in the night until he's better THEN ask him if you're being unreasonable. He's being an arse and your MIL is unbelievably selfish, I'd be fuming.

[pluck]

Don't open your door! I already refuse to open the door or answer the phone when it's suppertime/ when I'm working.

You could blatantly lie to HER that you and your little one are ill and you couldn't POSSIBLY be so selfish as to pass it on.

[Mumzypopz]

I wasn't aware pregnant mums have no immunity? Are you sure about that? You would be vulnerable if you picked up bugs, but don't think you have absolutely no immunity? Your little one will be building up an immunity. Does she go to nursery or anything? Could she also be picking things up from there?
I know that sounds harsh, and it can't be pleasant with you having to look after her whilst pregnant etc, but a little bit of me is thinking unfortunately that's life, we all pick up bugs etc, especially at this time of year. Equally though, I do agree she could be more mindful of visiting people if really I'll herself. My MIL came to see my new born DS and announced happily on her way through the door that she had bronchitis, so I do know how you feel.

[MrsHathaway]

Your immune system is lowered during pregnancy so that you don't reject the target significant foreign body in your uterus. That's why (for example) pregnant women are advised to avoid common food poisoning risks such as shellfish and unwashed lettuce.

It is also why the end of pregnancy can trigger autoimmune diseases as your immune system kicks back in, and in some cases goes haywire.

[Pinotwoman82]

It annoys the hell out of me when people are like this

[Areasonablegal]

Thank you all!

So, im not being unreasonable then 😊

My lo does not go to nursery as i look after him. The only times he has got ill are from my inlaws turning up ill and passing their germs on.

It makes me angry to a point that if she does it again (she will!) i will simply tell her to go away! Im past caring about the ensuing arguments with my OH for my perceived rudeness to his mother - its fucking rude for her to do what she is doing and im simply protecting my pregnant self and my babies!

Mumzy - sorry but if my mil announced on her way in to see my newborn that she had bronchitis, id have kicked her straight back out again, amd so would my OH. The issue i have is that she hides when she is ill so that we dont turn her away. Such a selfish cow.

And re immunity, as someone has already clarified, pregnancy switches ypur immunity to an extremely low level to stop you rejecting the baby. Pregnamt women are advised to have the flu jab and avoid those who are ill for this very reason.

The more i think about it the more pissed off i am at her for being such a selfish and negligent cow!

[Mumzypopz]

When you are given the flu jab, they are injecting some of the virus into you, so your immunity levels aren't that low, otherwise they wouldn't do that. They are low granted, I understand that now, but not non existant. You should still be able to fight off colds, etc, as otherwise you would have the need for pregnant ladies to live in a bubble. You could just as easily catch bugs going to the supermarket unfortunately. The flu jab is to prevent you getting the flu because you are more vulnerable because you are pregnant. If your little one went to nursery, she would be picking up loads of viruses etc. Totally your choice not to send her and understand why not as you would probably be on mat leave anyway, but what I am trying to say is that it's the norm for little ones to catch things and it builds up their immunity. I know it's hard when they are ill, but I'm of the view that they need to catch the little things to help them build up an immunity, so as they then don't catch the big things. Still do agree it's wrong of her to come and visit you if knowingly ill. Perhaps take yourself out somewhere so as you aren't in when she arrives.

[NarkyMcDinkyChops]

Thanks to mil both of us have been ill since early december. - what was a bad cold and chesty cough for mil turned into something far more serious for me and lo as we have no immunity given that he is a baby and i am pregnant

You do not lose your immunity when pregnant, and 16 month olds have plenty of their own. And you could have got a cold from anyone. Do people really expect everyone with a cold to stay home and hide away?

Granted your MIL shouldn't have come with a tummy bug, buts not going to send you into preterm labour. Yes she should be more considerate, but you clearly hate her and are very paranoid about illness anyway, so I'm sure you'd find another reason to be pissed off with her.