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Am I right to just stop making an effort?

(12 Posts)
ellash Mon 06-Feb-17 13:02:21

I apologise for the lengthy post - it does have a point to it!
I've always had a rocky relationship with DF. He cheated on my mum and left us when I was 5, was in a new relationship & had another child with his new girlfriend. We still got on well until I was about 16 when he called me fat/ugly (I was a size 10-12) and said I'd never amount to anything like my older brother has. We didn't speak for 2 years and later he apologised and we started seeing each other again.
We didn't see a huge amount of each other and when I got my driving licence he always wanted me to go to him & I did - every weekend and if I didn't on the odd occasion I'd get numerous calls & voicemails telling me I used him and I wasn't bothered about seeing him.
By the time I turned 23 I was seeing him about once every 2-3 weeks & I moved into my new flat with my friend about a 20 minute drive (rather than 5) just off the motorway in town. We were in there for a year and he NEVER once visited. Still expected me to go to him every time.
During this time, I graduated from university ON my birthday. He didn't attend even though I asked him to come. This was in the same town as I lived in so not far at all. (Was also his day off from work)

Last year, I found out I was pregnant with DS. He had a go at me (unexpected pregnancy, in shock) but then didn't speak to me for months. Until the end of my pregnancy when he wanted to make amends and fix our rocky relationship.
I advised him I felt like our relationship was never going to be the same but I was not going to deny him the relationship with his grandson as long as he put in the effort to see him and just love him.
He is now 4 months. He came 2 times in the first week he was born & I'm now living 5 mins away from him again. Since then, I've been to see him at least every week up until last month. This has cause my dad to go to my brother and accuse me of not making the effort to go to see him (I currently don't have a car either) and even said that every time he asks to come round I always say no because I'm busy. I told him he's welcome to come round anytime after work/ at weekends to visit! He asked me once and this was on the same day he complained about me & I was out with DP and DS.
Then about 2 weeks ago he said he was going to come over and didn't.
I haven't attempted to contact him since.

AIBU to just stop making the effort and leave him to it? I don't want DS to have a part time relationship with his grandad but he clearly doesn't care enough either to make the effort to see him!

deliciousdevilwoman Mon 06-Feb-17 13:06:49

YANBU. He is toxic and selfish. As difficult as it is, focus on your son/own life. Engage with him if/when he makes contact with you. And if he wants to see you/his grandson, then he does more of the leg work.

DearMrDilkington Mon 06-Feb-17 13:10:44

You'll feel sooo much better if you just cut him out of your life. His going to continue to let you down and as your ds grows up he'll get the same treatment.

It's not worth

NoCleanClothes Mon 06-Feb-17 13:14:45

YANBU he sounds like a narcissist and a worse than useless dad. I would actively avoid seeing him if I was you. He's not going to change and once your DS is old enough he'll probably be treated the same way you were. No Grandad is better than one like your DF.

DJBaggySmalls Mon 06-Feb-17 13:14:57

YANBU, you and your children can do without him in your life. flowers

hmcAsWas Mon 06-Feb-17 13:17:11

It doesn't sound like your father has a single redeeming feature. I'd go no contact

Bluntness100 Mon 06-Feb-17 13:17:15

Just stop and don't feel guilty you owe this man nothing. You've paid your dues and then some.

It's not easy to realise our parents are deeply flawed people. All we can do is not be them, to learn from the way they behave. slowly break contact, turn it back on him and ask why he hasn't been round as per your agreement and leave it there.

Katy07 Mon 06-Feb-17 13:20:37

YANBU. I'd have given up ages ago

EssentialHummus Mon 06-Feb-17 13:32:51

Everything bluntness said. Enjoy your little one flowers

toptoe Mon 06-Feb-17 13:44:08

He's emotionally immature and controlling. I would wait for a reciprocal visit before visiting him again. In the meantime, he is likely to go about slagging you off but remember it's his problem and most people will be glad it's not them who has to put up with it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 06-Feb-17 13:49:28

Going by your own history with him I wouldn't hold out hope of any meaningful relationship between him and your DS. Why has all the effort only flowed one way?

ellash Tue 07-Feb-17 09:58:02

Thanks everyone! I think I just kept trying with him to a) keep the peace & b) part of me believed he might actually want a relationship with me. Why else would he complain about not seeing me?
My mum has (obviously) always believed he's an arsehole and advised me to walk away years ago but I just needed clarification from people who aren't my mum or my brother that I'm doing the right thing.
Funnily enough, last night he called me. I didn't answer as I was settling DS down for bed. Awkward. confused

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