To expect my partner not to watch porn ?

[Mammamia2016]

Hi all,

My partner is seemingly obsessed with porn, any opportunity he gets he will try and watch it. I put a block on the internet, so as he couldn't get onto that he then watched creepy videos on YouTube.
I am getting to the point now where I am completely sick of it, he won't have sex with me for up to a week but will watch porn in between, everytime I have found something I get so upset and every time he says he won't do it again. Now I am just numb to it and wondering wether I need to just call it a day?
We have a little girl who is 6 months, it's got worse after I've had her, I'm almost certain he watched it whilst I was in hospital after a very traumatic birth with our daughter whilst she was just hours old. I feel a lot like it's my fault, he often tells me I'm no fun anymore and we don't really have sex. He doesn't try it tbh and I'm very low in confidence. I was quite badly raped before I got with him , which he doesn't know about, I don't know if that's a factor into why I feel so betrayed and upset with him watching porn or wether it is just a normal reaction.
I am thinking of leaving him, but every time I say anything I am 'being over the top'.
Am I ?
Do I follow my heart and stay with him, or go with my gut and leave him?

Thanks in advance

[RacoonBandit]

He does not value you or your relationship and puts porn at the top of his list.

Follow your gut.

[BorrowedHeart]

Nothing wrong with watching porn, I think you having an issue with it annoys him. Let him watch it, he's not a child take the blocks off fs.

[BorrowedHeart]

I think you are being "over the top"

[Somerville]

The answer is alway, always, to go with your gut. We have instincts for a reason and you need to listen to yours.

[BorrowedHeart]

Just to add, if it's something you can't handle and what to leave him, that's completely your choice, however, don't blame him for you wanting to leave.

[BorrowedHeart]

Want*

[19lottie82]

Theres a huge divide re the debate on pornography but I think it's perfectly normal.
I think YWBU putting a block on your internet to stop him watching it, he's not a child.

Have you tried to revive your sex life with him? Could you look into counselling?

[Somerville]

Nothing wrong with watching porn

Lots of people disagree with you on that. And actually, even of the people who in general think there is nothing wrong with watching porn, it is still generally acknowledged that if it is getting in the way of a couples sex life then it is problematic. The effect of porn (which often has non-con elements) on victims of sexual abuse is also something that many people who generally don't have a problem with porn are acutely aware of being a problem.

[Mammamia2016]

The block is off, I'm aware he's not a child.

[19lottie82]

somerville yes you're right plenty of people disagree with that statement, but plenty agree with it.

[Somerville]

OP
There are plenty of people who flock to threads on porn to tell women that it is your problem, not your partners, and you should suck it up.

However it would be a problem to me in my relationship so I understand that it is to you. There is a massive lack of respect in him acknowledging that it hurts your feelings and affects your sex life and promising not to do it again, but then continuing to do it anyway.

Personally I would end a relationship over this. Self-respect is important and it would errode mine if my partner behaved like yours does.

[ageingrunner]

It sounds like he's addicted to watching it. Watching porn every spare minute he has is not normal in any way.

[Millie04]

The only way porn would be OK in my relationship would be if we both wanted to watch soft porn together to add something to an already fairly healthy sexual relationship.
I personally find porn is mostly about objectifying women in a very negative way. I don't like it and it would seriously concern me if my partner continued to do something knowing that it upset me so much. It seems to me that as it has got worse since you had your baby there is something there that he is finding hard to deal with? Transition to fatherhood with all those responsibilities is not always natural and easy. I wonder if he uses the porn as a diversion tactic/coping mechanism?

[RacoonBandit]

He watches porn because he chooses to OP. You are not to blame.

As for the internet block no he is not a child but if like me you pay half of the cost i would make sure porn could not be accessed as i damn well would not be paying for the privilidge.

[Mammamia2016]

Im sure the women ok with their partners watching porn are happy in their relationships, it's not upsetting their day to day lives and affecting just about every part of their life. I always thought I wouldn't mind if my partner watched porn but things change. It is the lack of respect that hurts me the most. Thank you to everyone else who has replied constructively and not just digging me out. It is much appreciated and I am taking everything on board. I will be looking into counselling, and take it from there.

[Somerville]

OP, specialist counselling might well be a good step forward for you since you went through such an awful experience. Rape crisis would be a good place to start with accessing this. rapecrisis.org.uk/rapecrisisspecialistservices.php

I don't think you'll come out of counselling feeling okay about porn. Having counselling myself (over a different kind of trauma) gave me more self-awareness to recognise my triggers and more self-confidence in protecting myself from them.

[19lottie82]

racoon so what would happen if your DH decided he didn't like MN and set the router to stop you from visiting the site, because he was paying half the internet costs. Would that be ok with you?

[19lottie82]

OP I hope things improve for you and your relationship. To me it sounds like more than just the pornography and I think counselling would be a good idea - good luck.

[RacoonBandit]

MN is not an industry which is rife with abuse so to compare MN to porn is stupid.

However if i frequented a site that I know DH hated and he had valid reasons such as it was affecting our relationship then I respect him enough not to use said site.

[DJBaggySmalls]

MN is a converstaion. Its not intimate. Sex is supposed to create intimacy within a relationship.
People can play cool wife if they like, but if there partners were screwing someone else in their bed how cool would they be with that?

[Sallystyle]

He would no longer be my husband.

My boundaries are quite clear. I would have no respect for him anyway.

I am sorry you are dealing with this OP

[Olympiathequeen]

Leave him. Even without your dreadful experience this behaviour is unacceptable. I've nothing against porn itself, although I don't personally like it (exploitative etc) but your partner seems obsessive and is ignoring the person he is with in favour of it. That's just not normal.

Frankly he sounds horrible

[Scrumptiousbears]

If he watched porn before you met him then it's unfair to put a ban on it.

I agree it sounds like there is more to the relationship problems than the porn thing.

While MN and porn can't be compared the principle is the same. OP is trying to control DH doing something he wants to do.

[TheStoic]

Don't threaten to leave. Just leave. If he asks why, it's because he can't handle intimacy with an actual human female, so you'll leave him to his pixels.