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To expect the teacher to support an upset child fully and not walk off!

(229 Posts)
OopsDearyMe Mon 06-Feb-17 09:54:59

My DD1 has aspergers, I know that. I am fighting to get a piece of paper that also says that.
My daughter has had no real problems going to school for months, but never likes going. She starts to get upset the night before and I relialise I probably could have handled this better, I told her last night that she might be able to stay off school today, I did it because she was so upset and anxious, she barely sleeps 6 hrsa night as it is and so she would sleep, I lied (and hate myself) I told her that she would still need to get up and dressed for school and come with me.
Then at school, I asked how she felt about going in, she began to get very upset, her teacher came passed and at first went to walk straight passed us. But I called out to her and explained , her response was a half hearted , oh well we have Computing today so you'll enjoy that won't you? Then walked off!!!
Leaving me with DS who still needed dropping at his school, and a crying DD who is gripping my arm and pleading with her eyes to take her home. The only thing I could do was leave and take DS. None of her peers approached her and her only two friends were not there.

I am so upset, both at myself!!!

But could the teacher have no taken 5 minutes , her manner was so not child friendly either, so pissed off.

AndShesGone Mon 06-Feb-17 09:58:20

I think you shouldn't have asked her how she felt the second before she had to go in.

It just raises emotion that you then expected someone else to deal with confused

Floggingmolly Mon 06-Feb-17 09:59:07

How old is your dd?

MissMrsMsXX Mon 06-Feb-17 09:59:21

She's your child.... why wouldn't you want to comfort her?

SaucyJack Mon 06-Feb-17 10:01:21

So you lied to your kid that she could have the day off of school, and then expected to be able to dump her on the teacher and run, leaving the teacher to sort out the mess you'd made?

You're right to say that you could've handled it better.

MadHattersWineParty Mon 06-Feb-17 10:04:23

That teacher might have had a million and one things to do before the bell/register/first class. Plus you were there so she probably didn't want to step on your toes and she assumed you'd deal with it. With the best will in the world the teacher has a lot of other pupils to think about.

I understand her not being 'child-friendly' in that moment.

Sirzy Mon 06-Feb-17 10:07:00

Like you said yourself I think really you handled it badly. It's a learning curve though.

In an ideal world the teacher would have had time to sort things, but we don't live in an ideal world and first thing Monday morning she probably had a list of things to do before she started teaching.

cansu Mon 06-Feb-17 10:07:01

Ok teacher did not do well here but maybe hadnt grasped situation or felt it was nt her place to interfere. You know you shouldnt have said what you did to your dd of course but sounds like you are tryong to manage a shit situation. Ask for an appointment at school to discuss how they can help your dd. Also dit down with your dd and talk about going into school.

ExplodedCloud Mon 06-Feb-17 10:07:28

You have no idea what the teacher may have had to do so she may have been in a hurry. What did you expect the teacher to do?
As you say, you created the expectation that there was an option and then changed the rules which is a really bad way to deal with a child who has ASD. Consistency and calm are essential.

nancyclancy123 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:08:27

The huge issue is you telling her she could have the day off and then asking her how she felt about going in? How did you expect her to feel?

hearyoume Mon 06-Feb-17 10:10:11

Have you any idea how many tasks a teacher has to get done in a day?

SavoyCabbage Mon 06-Feb-17 10:10:50

She was with you though, her own mother. She probably thought you were dealing with it as you were right there. Presumably the teacher was on her way somewhere. To collect her class. I don't have five minutes in the morning as we go in and then do a quick register and then straight to assembly.

MrsJaniceBattersby Mon 06-Feb-17 10:12:47

She's has Asperger
You lied to her , got her to put on her uniform , took her to school and expected her to just go in ?
How confusing for any child

You expected the teacher to sort out what you created ? Is that right or am I being too harsh ?

Userone1 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:14:04

You've realised you caused the problem by telling her she didn't have to go to school, then getting her dressed and taking her all the while pretending she wasn't going.

Kids with ASD cannot cope with unexpected.

If your dd is generally anxious about school, make an appointment to speak to the SENCO and see what steps can be taken by school to make her less anxious. Visual timetables, predictability etc

MadHattersWineParty Mon 06-Feb-17 10:14:40

leaving me with DS who still needed dropping at his school

So? That is so far from being the teacher's problem!

Whathaveilost Mon 06-Feb-17 10:15:32

You are being so UR!

You clearly know what you've done wrong.
You've started the situation up by lying to your daughter and then wound her up at the school and on top of that trying to blame some one else that is probably busy!

I know that you are stressed but. You really do need to take responsibility for your actions and not pin the blame as well.
The teacher is not in the wrong here.

kissmethere Mon 06-Feb-17 10:16:03

It sounds like you're both stressed right now and it's being handled well. You reached out to the teacher and she didn't jump on board not surprisingly.
I think it's best to stick to the idea of you're going to school, it's going to happen, you are going into the classroom etc, I will be leaving and will be there when you leave at the end of the day.
my ds wore me down every single morning and night before, though the school did jump on board when I told them how he was at home and offered support.
Be sympathetic but try not to get frazzled as it's easy for things to break down. Easier said than done.

OopsDearyMe Mon 06-Feb-17 10:16:33

OK I get I handled it badly, but whatever stuff the teacher had to do, surely an upset child should have been more important, and the class could wait a few minutes? I'm more annoyed because this situation is made worse by her aspergers, it complicates things.

For example, Had i approached to subject of going in earlier,we would still be in the house now and everyone would be late. I did not simply dump her on the teacher, I stayed until the very last moment I could before DS was going to also be late. Had this happened at his school, the teacher would have consoled and taken the child into class with them, surely that's the right way to act?
Me hanging around surely drags the issue out and means she still hopes I will take her home!
Her teacher should know her pupils surely and how to deal with each in an individual way.

MrsMrMiss ...???? I did comfort her???!

Finola1step Mon 06-Feb-17 10:17:04

First thing Monday morning, your DD's teacher has probably got 101 things to be cracking on with. She didn't ignore the situation, she just didn't respond in the way you wanted.

I get that you ate frustrated but you are frustrated at the wrong person.

kissmethere Mon 06-Feb-17 10:17:44

Sorry error in my first line, stressed and not being handled well...

Userone1 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:17:53

It was mean of teacher to walk away. If this is the kind of thing that happens every morning, even when your dd is expecting to go to school, Speak to SENCO.

In future maybe just be a bit late dropping off your ds, if your dd is extremely upset.

Finola1step Mon 06-Feb-17 10:18:45

And no, the rest of the class can't just wait.

Jinglebells99 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:18:46

I don't really see how the teacher could have been expected to deal with your upset child moments before she needs to take responsibility for a whole class of children. You shouldn't have told your child that she didn't need to go, and then sprung it on her that she was actually going. I think you need to arrange a meeting with the school and plan how to support your child in attending school. Sounds like the teacher was trying to jolly her along, which was probably all she had time for at that point in the school day. I do have sympathy for you though, as my daughter was anxious last year when she started at a new school. I made a plan with the school though, that she was greeted by support staff, and I arranged to pick her up early if the school called me.

MadHattersWineParty Mon 06-Feb-17 10:19:12

An upset child who has her mother with her and does not take precedence over a whole class waiting for their teacher, no.

ExplodedCloud Mon 06-Feb-17 10:19:20

Are the school on board with her having ASD? If so, definitely talk to the SENCO to see if they can suggest ways to deal with her school anxiety.

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