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AIBU to think my DM is being selfish/unreasonable?

(32 Posts)
Toofondofcake Mon 06-Feb-17 09:52:24

DM has hung up on me in a mood because I'm not begging her with vigour to visit us and called her out on some untruths.
Here's the background DM is in support work and previously was in a super stressful all hours job but after hankering for a year for a 9-5 has got one and was over the moon, saying she'd be over every weekend, help with childcare etc.
Been in new job two months now and most weekends has made an excuse and not visited. I am back from MAT leave and Saturday is now a working day for us. She could happily have the DC on Saturdays if she wanted but never wants to. We've offered to visit her on Sundays after church or for her to come over here, she's taken us up on it once.
Yesterday morning I called and asked what she was up to ( in the impression she'd had a thing with friends on Saturday) turns out friends had cancelled and she planned on relaxing yesterday, I invited her over. She had a go that I didn't sound enthusiastic enough and I told her I was a bit annoyed that the last few weekends we'd been second choice to her social life. If she wants a social life no problem but this is three weeks since she's seen her grandkids and she lives half an hour away.
Now am I being unreasonable or is she? Am I being too sensitive or is she being as self involved as I think she is? Honesty appreciated but not unpleasantness please.

NapQueen Mon 06-Feb-17 09:54:36

Tbh she's probably just trying to enjoy the fact that she now has weekends to herself and the freedom that gives.

Toofondofcake Mon 06-Feb-17 09:59:41

Fair point napqueen. I'm more irritated that she implied I wasn't excited enough to see her and that she expected a huge deal to be made when she hasn't bothered with us for weeks. Maybe I'm being too irritable about it.

Taylia Mon 06-Feb-17 10:01:20

It's a bit off that she's not wanting to see her GC but maybe after years of the all hours stressful job she's enjoying some free time. Not having to be anywhere or do anything.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable. The novelty will soon wear off for her.

BewtySkoolDropowt Mon 06-Feb-17 10:02:14



She's an adult. Her children are grown up. She doesn't have any responsibilities and if she wants a relaxing day, great.

So imo: SIBU to call you out on not being enthusiastic enough

YABU to expect her to work to your timetable. Yes, she thought she washed to be there more when she first got the job. Turns out she doesn't. Not yet anyway. New jobs can take a bit of time and adjustment and it can be pretty full on for the first few months, even in a low stress environment.

Jinglebells99 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:03:29

I think you are being unreasonable. She's done her child rearing and has a job, her weekends are her own to do what she wants, and sounds like she doesn't want to spend her free time looking after your kids. Some people are lucky and have family who want to look after their grandchildren. My mum never helped out with mine although she did a lot for my sister's children. It still grates, but I accept, they are my kids, and my responsibility. I think I will be different if I ever have grandchildren, and would want to be involved but you can't make people.

Only1scoop Mon 06-Feb-17 10:03:43

I also think she's enjoying her free time. She probably doesn't want to end up in some awful routine.
Plan something nice all together perhaps.

Comtesse Mon 06-Feb-17 10:11:17

You don't sound unreasonable to me. She was the one who said she would come and see you every weekend but got arsey when you invited her over in the "wrong" way.

Lostwithinthehills Mon 06-Feb-17 10:14:04

She could happily have the DC on Saturdays if she wanted but never wants to.

I think this may be an important issue that you have glossed over in your op. If your mum never wants to have your children on a Saturday 'happily' has no place in your sentence.

Your mum has a 9-5 job, is it also mon-fri? Why should she take on a second (unpaid?) childcare job on a Saturday? If Saturday is a working day for you it's your responsibility to find childcare that doesn't involve expecting your mum to do it.

It maybe that once this is sorted out your mum will be a bit more friendly.

Toofondofcake Mon 06-Feb-17 10:56:50

Maybe I've phrased some of my post wrongly for it to be understood. She used to be going on all the one about how much she wished she saw DC more regularly and very much wanted to help and wanted to have DC over for sleepovers etc, so much so she made a huge deal out of buying princess beds for them but now when we have said they could stay over when she is free she's making excuses. We've offered to go to her and go out for lunch etc or just to all relax together, I don't actually need her for "childcare" as DH is off on Saturdays.

Only1scoop Mon 06-Feb-17 11:05:33

Then I'd let her take the lead in that Op

I'm sure she will offer at some point

She's probably just settling into her new lifestyle.

Toofondofcake Mon 06-Feb-17 11:06:29

You guys are right I'm just miffed that she was going on and on about how things would be and now she's in a huff with us because she's not wanting to be involved anymore.

user892 Mon 06-Feb-17 11:33:55

She's allowed to change her mind. My DM lived 20 mins away and would sometimes only see DCs once a month. Never offered to have them overnight.

Chloe84 Mon 06-Feb-17 11:58:54

She had a go that I didn't sound enthusiastic enough and I told her I was a bit annoyed

You were absolutely right to call her on it.

What the fuck is she expecting, for the bloody red carpet to be rolled out?

She sounds a bit narcissistic. Of course it's absolutely fine to want to enjoy weekends the way she wants to but don't have a go at someone because they're not begging you to grace them with your presence.

I wouldn't be issueing any other invites until she makes some effort herself.

Slimmingsnake Mon 06-Feb-17 12:01:57

Wow,I'd love it if my dm just saw my kids once a month,no stings no childcare...she's never done any childcare ever,and my eldest is nearly 20

SingingInTheRainstorm Mon 06-Feb-17 12:04:24

My DM hasn't spoke to her grandchildren in years. Choose your battles wisely.

Toofondofcake Mon 06-Feb-17 12:22:06

Yeah I do realise that we are lucky to have her living close and although our relationship has been rocky it's been getting better recently.

It annoys me that when she's around she acts like Mary fecking poppins and goes on and on about how she so much wants to see us more but then contradicts herself and doesn't bother her arse or accept our offers to visit.

She is a bit narcissistic but I genuinely don't mind her indulging in a social life she deserves it. She just is being a bit hypocritical IMO.

I also get the fact I'm probably being over sensitive in this situation compared with how you ladies would handle it because I have a life time of baggage with her.

Nousernameforme Mon 06-Feb-17 12:41:43

See I could have written your op. We used to live at the other end of the country oh it was awful she couldn't see her GC like her friends do and she misses them so much and if we lived closer we could do all the things yada yada yada.
A few years ago for unrelated reasons we did move back to the hometown she worked 4 days a week and popped round for a hour or so a month as she had shopping to do on weekends and housework to do during the week fair enough. She then reduced her hours down to 3 days and we still don't see her.
In the 4 years we have been here she has baby sat once although she regularly offers or makes plans and offers the children exciting days out it's always in the future at an unspecified time.
We have given up with her now The children do not have a relationship with her she has broken their trust too many times and that is entirely her fault we have done all we can. I would go NC but the drama it would cause would be horrific much easier this way it's not like we see her

SallyLeStrange Mon 06-Feb-17 12:48:52

She had a go that I didn't sound enthusiastic enough and I told her I was a bit annoyed that the last few weekends we'd been second choice to her social life

Only you will know the truth , DID you have a tone in your voice? As when she picked up on it, you unloaded that you were actually pissed off - so she seems to have picked up on your tone. So it is likely you DID have a tone as you DID have a problem

Sentences like She is a bit narcissistic but I genuinely don't mind her indulging in a social life she deserves it. She just is being a bit hypocritical IMO suggest you actually DO mind, as to deny otherwise would never occur to anyone if they hadn't even thought about it

You have a real chip on your shoulder, and seem to think that your mother does not / has not, done enough for you. What more do you want from her? She has done her child rearing

You seem to want your mother to drop everything and make your life easier - which I find astonishing

is she being as self involved as I think she is? No she isn't, but I recognize that trait in your post as the only thing that matters to you is YOUR life and someone else making it easier for you

SallyLeStrange Mon 06-Feb-17 13:01:46

I think people need to adjust their expectations on how much grandparents want to get involved , in some cases. Not every grandparent wants to regularly child mind...

Toofondofcake Mon 06-Feb-17 13:02:02

Sally fair enough I probably did have a tone.
Regarding the whole social life thing I think you're off mark though, she lives in the same village as her sisters who all go out on a Friday evening to the local as their social life, she has every opportunity to go out with them as she says she wants to, she really does deserve it as she works hard and has done all her life, I encourage her to.

I don't actually want her to do anything for me. I don't need her for childcare although she says she'd love to see and mind the kids more often. My toddler misses her and asks for her, I've told her this, she acts heartbroken then when I say well why don't you take her to the park this Saturday it's "oh actually I might be having a drink with so and so" so I suggest maybe Sunday lunch then or a walk down the coast and it's " hmmm you don't even sound like you really want me to come" and tbh I'm a bit annoyed that I have to convince my own mother to spend time with me and my children who she claims to be GM of the year to.

Yeah I'm very annoyed, yeah I feel like it shouldn't be this way. If she feigned disinterest in my DC at least it would be be hypocritical of her.

Toofondofcake Mon 06-Feb-17 13:04:51

Again sally. I do not want her to childmind. I want her to be involved in our family in a family way. You know, enjoy spending time with us. The way she pretends to want to.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest Mon 06-Feb-17 13:13:11

I think a lot of grandparents like to think of themselves of the doting, loving grandparents because it's a nice image but then have other things they'd rather prioritise than spending time with their grandchildren.

There's nothing wrong with seeing friends instead but you can't then expect to be first priority when it's not reciprocated.

ny20005 Mon 06-Feb-17 13:15:08

Don't make any mention of coming to see her & leave the ball in her court & see what happens

Only1scoop Mon 06-Feb-17 13:21:44

I agree I'd actually smooth things over

'DM sorry if I didn't sound too enthusiastic, had a bit on my plate, of course we would really love to see You....let us know when a good time'

then completely leave ball in her court. She can't be snipey with you then.

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