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To be shm after children are at school

(922 Posts)
Notthinkingclearly Sun 05-Feb-17 17:45:30

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

chickenowner Sun 05-Feb-17 17:47:43

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone!

mambono5 Sun 05-Feb-17 17:47:51

Nice way to start a fight online. Are you really that bored?

BabyHamster Sun 05-Feb-17 17:49:40

Who is asking you to justify yourself? Just don't bother with them. If it works for you and your family it's not really anyone else's business.

MrsGB2225 Sun 05-Feb-17 17:50:45

If you, your husband and your family are happy with your set up, why seek validation online?

grobagsforever Sun 05-Feb-17 17:51:28

You are not spoilt or lazy but you are perhaps a little foolish. You are taking a massive gamble with your financial independence (as in you have none). So your entire future financial well being is dependent on both nothing happening to your DH and your marriage not breaking up. Statistically speaking, you have a a greater than fifty percent chance of one of those two events happening.

Plus you risk boredom, resentment etc.

It's absolutely your choice. But please think hard about the gamble you are taking. Life changes in a heartbeat.

grobagsforever Sun 05-Feb-17 17:53:09

You could mitigate this risk.slightly by having DH to contribute to your own private pension.

user1484394242 Sun 05-Feb-17 17:54:44

It's no one's business, you shouldn't have to justify to people.

If your bills are paid and you are happy doing what you do, why not?

Astro55 Sun 05-Feb-17 17:57:20

Do you want to work?

The PTA and helping out at school are voluntary - so easy to give up -

Have you looked at part time work - if only to get out the house and have adult conversations?

Why not retrain or increase your skills while you have time.

You have lots of choice - why not make the most of it?

NoCleanClothes Sun 05-Feb-17 17:57:58

I think the problem is that in lots of fields it's very difficult to have two people in actual careers. In my old field there is no such thing as part time and hours are 9am-6pm minimum (extra during busy times). That would mean someone else bringing up my kids during the week and only really seeing them on the weekends. I could work part time but in my area that basically means retail or admin which isn't something that interests me.

I knowI my DH wouldn't want me to go back to work (but would support me if I did choose to) as it would significantly increase his workload at home. The disadvantage I think is mainly that when the DC are older and benefit less from being at home I'll feel bored and a it redundant.

Notnownornever Sun 05-Feb-17 18:00:48

Your choice your decision and if you are fully in board withit why seek anyone else's opinion or criticism?

Personally I think women who don't work once kids are in full time school (especially senior school) have it easy day to day but are mad long term for the reasons above.
It seems bizarre to me that it is accepted as the norm in so many families and I'm afraid I do see women using their days to gym and shop and stuff then maintain they are running the household.

You can't justify it with oh I am part of the PTA really can you? But as said if it is a family decision then don't justify it just do it.

Think about it, talk to OH, decide what works for you then just do it and ignore the rest of us.

HecateAntaia Sun 05-Feb-17 18:03:26

As long as you and your husband are in agreement that this is the set up you both want who gives a shit what anyone else thinks?

This is the arrangement that works for our family and we dont need your approval

Should shut them up.

Willyoujustbequiet Sun 05-Feb-17 18:04:34

You have no need to justify yourself or feel bad for choices that suit your family.

I suspect a fair few who would question your choice are envious if truth be told.

formerbabe Sun 05-Feb-17 18:05:13

I'm a sahm to school age dc. We are certainly not well off..But it is far far easier in terms of childcare and housework. One of my dc also has lots of appointments so it's just better for me to be around. We also have no family help. I'm always busy and have plenty to do. I thought I'd have lots of time to read, watch TV, exercise etc...But the day flies by. I do go to the gym most days though. I don't care what anyone else thinks...If anyone thinks I should be working then I'd invite them to do the school run for me, cover sick days, school holidays and take my dc to appointments so that I can go to work!

Sung Sun 05-Feb-17 18:13:14

This is yours and your husbands choice alone - you do not need to justify it to anyone.

Personally I couldn't justify it. My DC have just started secondary school - working (part-time) from when they were a few months old until now has meant that we have now paid off our mortgage, I have kept my 'hand in' at work, DH doesn't resent me, we would be ok it he lost his job, we both have good pensions, we can help the DC financially to set up in adult life (no student loans, help with house deposit). We managed between us to not need any childcare during the primary school years as I was part-time - so I could justify that over full-time.

Trifleorbust Sun 05-Feb-17 18:15:45

It sounds like quite a nice life to me, but not unreasonable if you are both happy with the division of work.

Piratefairy78 Sun 05-Feb-17 18:26:04

YANBU. If I could do it I would. I'm fortunate that I have a job for 4 days working 9-2 that pays quite well. I have to travel and hour each way though which many people nowadays won't do. I could never have applied for these hours, everyone who's part time was full time at one point and cut their hours over time for various reasons.

deadpool99 Sun 05-Feb-17 18:40:46

OP, you don't have to justify yourself to others. I also have kids with stuff going on which means lots of appts. I do work very part time but it can get too much sometimes when one of the DC are going through a bad patch. If my DH was working abroad and earning enough for us to be well off, then in my circumstances of having 2 demanding DCs, I would stop working. When I was a SAHM I used to get nasty comments from a full time working mum. She also says similar stuff to other SAMS. I just avoid her now. If you want to work because you are getting bored or strapped for cash or worried about the future then do so, but don't do it because of what others think.

Pettywoman Sun 05-Feb-17 18:42:38

Just do it if you want to. I'm a sahm and mine are at school although I do work Saturday and Sunday.

deadpool99 Sun 05-Feb-17 18:42:50

Forgot to add that DH has had opportunities to work abroad but I said I'd have to give up my part time job and SAHM as looking after my DC on my own 24*7 and working part time would kill me.

Allthebestnamesareused Sun 05-Feb-17 18:58:15

I get this too - youngest is now 15. Some people ask what I do ALL day. Nine of their business. It works for us as a family, husband earns v good £££. I get to go to son's sports fixtures and anything else on at school. I do now have a very part time term time (seasonal) job for which I can tell the employer (school) my availability. Each to their own. Don't feel guilty about living your life your way even if people try to make you feel inferior.

If people say I'd be bored by your life tell them they obviously haven't got a good enough imagination as your days are full!

early30smum Sun 05-Feb-17 19:01:37

I have plenty of friends who are SAHMs of school age children. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. But I'd be aware that not having any financial input into the marriage and also the fact that it can be very dull after a while could end up causing problems. If you enjoy not working, and can afford to do so, no problem, but it wouldn't be for me.

early30smum Sun 05-Feb-17 19:02:50

The other thing I think sometimes people forget is, even with school age children, they still need looking after before school starts and after it finishes- it can be hard to find a job that fits into school hours, or childcare before/after school and in the holidays can end up costing more than what some people would earn!

formerbabe Sun 05-Feb-17 19:05:51

The other thing I think sometimes people forget is, even with school age children, they still need looking after before school starts and after it finishes- it can be hard to find a job that fits into school hours, or childcare before/after school and in the holidays can end up costing more than what some people would earn

Exactly! I've lost count of the number of times people have suggested I get a term time job...Yep, there's just loads of them confused

katedan Sun 05-Feb-17 19:11:04

I am quite shocked by some of the responses here. When your children are at school your children need you as much/ more than when they are very young. They are not at school that much of the total working hours in a year so it's of childcare etc often makes working not viable for some people. I returned to work when my children started school as it was the right decision for me however my DH massively out earns me ( despite working the same very long hours!) so if he left me tomorrow I would be screwed however you can't think about the what ifs you just have to make the best of what you have!

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